08-29-07

Why does life have to get in the way of life?  That is the question for today.  I just don’t understand.  My kids pick today to be as rotten as they can be.  or it may be that they are acting normal and I just can’t deal with it.  I don’t know. But, I really feel like knocking them against a wall.  Although I would never do that.  Just a feeling.  It will pass.  at least I hope it will.   lol

I am letting them blow off some steam.  They are dancing.  Not to music I think they should be but, well, we hardly ever agree in that department.  

We have to leave here about 5:30 and I am getting sick to my stomache.  I just want it to go good.  You know?  I know I know, it is just balloons and a few poems.  but, I am so afraid, I am going to break down in front of people and cry.  Don’t really want that to happen because I am trying to keep this light hearted.  We’ll see.   Well, that is all for now.

J.T.’s Birthday…

J.T.’s birthday is the 29th.  I have totally not been with it.  But, well, that is to be expected.  I promised him a 1st birthday party and well, he is going to get it.  I got balloons, we are doing a release. And for all of those enviromentally conscience people’s out there.. I got the ones that are biodegradeable.   And we are going to attach wishes to them.  I got him his 1st birthday balloon and it is too adorable.  I am having a horrible time finding a pinwheel. Because I was going to attach his mylar to the pinwheel at his grave.  I might have to go with something else.   Not sure what though.   I am just all in a titter about it.  I want it to go perfect but, well, what ever does?? Seriously, something always has a snag or two in it that is what makes it fun or frustrating depending on the way that you look at it. 

I am only inviting Stacy’s family to it.  This is our time.  We are spending it with just us.  I am being selfish yes because well, I feel we are the only ones that deserve to be there.  I am sorry if that is coming off harsh but, well, I really don’t mean it to be.  We are there out of love, not pity or guilt.  And that is the way I would like to keep it.   Please no one yell at me for that statement.   I really am beginning to realize that Stacy and I were the only ones going and visiting because well, God knew that we would give our undivided attention and love to him.  We were there for him not for show or because of duty.  Not discounting the nurses that were there and loved him like their own.  But, we sacrifice family and other things to be with him.  Which is how it should be.  I am his mother and well, I should have been up there and I was.  Stacy was a friend, she sacrificed her family time and she could have been doing other things but, she chose to be up there and was strong for me when I needed her to be and she knew without hesitation when those times were. 

It is funny well, not funny but, you’ll understand what I mean in a minute.  Looking back and talking with each other how there were times when I was freakin out so to speak and she acted like there was nothing wrong that everything was going to be ok.  And NOW!!! j/k I find out that she was just as scared as I was.  She hid it very well.   We talk about Johnathan all the time and I absolutely love her for it.  Because without her I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to about him.  She was there she remembers she went through it all with me and him and She is just the bestest friend a person could ever ask for. 

LuLu a PCA at children’s who loved Johnathan as much as we did, told me as we were leaving that last day.  She hugged me and she said don’t get rid of that one right there.  Keep her close because you’ll never find another like her.  Those are the truest words I have ever heard.   Did I ever tell you thank you Stacey??? If I haven’t Thank you so much for being the greatest friend a person can have.  Shaun stop laughing at me!!!!!!

Johnathan Thomas Michael Poling

08-29-06

Weight 1lb 15.5 ounces

13 1/4 inches long. 

Left this earth for his heavenly home 05-17-07 weighing:  14lbs 8 oz and 26 1/2 inches long. 

 I love you and miss you so much Bubbas, if you are looking down here be ready to party Wednesday because we are going to rock that cemetary lol….. 

 If any of you would like to make a wish.  Just leave it here and I will be sure to include it in with mine.   And if you don’t want to that is ok too.  

AHH I am back…..

My lovely keyboard was broke and I couldn’t type.   I have been really busy too and it has been sooo hot.  I really haven’t been trying to be on here.   My bible study is going great.  Beth Moore can sure teach it.  lol. 

 I learned alot about my faith these last few days and it has been very humbling I think that is the word that I want to use.  I need to be active in my faith and it always going to be challenged and it is going to grow and it will take a step back and go forward.   But, I really want to be active in my faith.  To keep learning an building it.   I really have had my faith tested with J.T.  I seen miracles happen with him. I seen them everyday.  Every day that he made it was a day he beat the odds and wasn’t supposed to be here.  Every day that he fought to live was a miracle.  Every surgery that he made it through it was a miracle.   I seen all of my prayers answered but, not the last one.  The one to see him completely whole and healed.   But….. was it?? I mean he is whole and healed.  He is suffering no more and one day I WILL see him again.  I know this.  I really know this, but, I still want my baby with me at home.  So, our prayers were answered.  Just not like I wanted them.  And yes, my faith was wavering.  But, this bible study has gotten me so excited again is the word that I think I want to use.  Excited about my faith and wanted to learn and know and just be a child of God. 

Like Martina sings:  God is Great But sometimes life ain’t good.  And when I pray it doesn’t always turn it out like I think it should but, I do it anyway.

And I guess I’ll leave it at that for right now.

Trying to add pics.

staceyHarleyJust thought I would try this. Here is Stacey last year.  Oh boy is that big.  stacey

Let me try Harley: ok, she ended  up up there really big.   I’ll figure this out yet..

The boys….

Ok, here goes the update.  It is really sad actually.  The boys went with their grandmother.  Who was actually really rude about it. 

She lied to me, she said that their house had electricity, gas, and they had food.  None of which was true.  The mother had used all of the food stamps to buy drugs and I called the electric and gas company and their wasn’t even an order in to get it turned on.  She got mad at me for checking and calling her on it.  She said that I should have trusted her.  Well, not when it concerns to children who have been through so much already.  So, they are with their grandmother.  That concerns me so much.  I would go into it but, it really isn’t going to change anything.  So, they are with their grandmother and grandfather.  I really don’t know how they are doing.  She and I have had no contact.   But, I pray that they are well. 

Beth Moore Bible Study

My pastor is letting me borrow the dvd’s of this study.  I absolutely love it.  He told me she is a southern lady who is excited about the word, and well, yep, she is.  I watched the first lesson last night.  I was totally excited with her.  I can’t wait to get more into it.  I really see God shining through her. 

In other news. ….  Stacey had a sleep over last night for her birthday.  I told her she could invite 3 friends.  Don’t you know that girl ended up with 5 over.  Now, what happened here???  I don’t understand.   But, oh well, they fell asleep early actually, about 1 o’clock. And they are still sleeping so, it wasn’t that bad.  They danced and played and did all the hollering that little girls do when they are having fun.  Mikayla and I sat in my room and watched some tv.  We rarely do this and we talked about 2 year old things.  You know the whole love you mommy love you too love you too too too.  And she was also talking about someone I don’t know who but, she was telling me they took her shoes and she said they were i think on the roof.  It was really funny.  She made me laugh so hard.  

Well, that is all for today.  

Booster President

Ok, I am Booster President this year.   I am not sure how this year is going to work.  I have been thinking about this all night.  I really don’t want to be up at that school everyday like I was last year.  I was just pulled so thin because of being up there, going to the hospital every night, and then we were in a program called FAST.  It was too much. I want this year to be more relaxed.  I think I deserve it.   I am going to be teaching a class at church.  Which from what Janelle said, most of the lessons someone else gets together.  It sounds really fun. 

This year we have two presidents.  I am only in charge of family nights.  Which doesn’t mean I won’t help with the fundraisers. Just means I don’t have to set them up.  Which they are already set up for the most part we did that this summer.   So, I am having 2 arts and crafts family nights,  a science night with cool experiments, and a dr. Suess reading night.  Last year they went really great.   I hoping they do the same this year.  I just am not into the whole talk to people have a smile on my face all day long blah blah blah. 

With that being said, I am not going to be mean to anyone.  lol.  I am just at a point right now, where I don’t want to deal with people.  I don’t want to have to make conversation, I don’t want to have to sell the school so that they will be more involved.  But, I got elected and I guess I better do my job. 

Ok, enough whining.

I read Hebrews like my pastor asked me to do.  Very powerful book, I never realized.  Put alot of things to rest for me.  I can say that.  If I can figure out how to do different catagories on this thing, well, I am going to go chapter by chapter and tell what it means to me.   I think this will also help me. 

Well, that is all for now. 

Toodles.