more entries from xanga

Sunday, June 17, 2007

JT outside (montage)

Here is a link to a new montage.   It has music.  It is pics of all of us when we took him outside.

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Thursday, June 14, 2007

Crazy Dreams.

I have been having some weird whacky dreams.   All about being pregnant.  I blame it on someone whom we are waiting to have a baby.   Woman have that little man so these will stop.  lol.  

They are about me having a baby.  I was in the NICU arguing with my Retta.  She was telling me that I needed to go love my baby and hold him and let him know that I am here.  I told her NOPE, not gonna do it.  I told her to take him.  She doesn’t have any kids and she would take great care of him.  She told me no I am Aunt Retta.   Not Momma Retta.  I argued with her and told her I can’t and will not under no circumstances love another baby.  I didn’t want another baby and wasn’t having that one.  She could put it back.  My whole dream was Retta arguing with me.  I remember her jerking my face up and telling me that I was going to be this baby’s mother and there was nothing that I could do about it.  I will go over there and hold him and she plopped him in my arms.  All I could see was eye lashes and thought how much they reminded me of JT’s long and curly.  Then she told me she was going to go get the buggy and we were going home.  Then I woke up. 

Bobbie is having no more babies.  I don’t want anymore and I am not let me repeat not pregnant.  Good now that we have that cleared up.  lol

I am writing a book about my NICU experience.  Retta thought that I should.  I am starting at the beginning, with my pregnancy.  I have journals full of how I was feeling and what was going on.   I love to write.  I wasn’t going to do it but, I thought why not. I started writing and couldn’t stop.  Now, whether it ever comes into print is another thing.  But, it will be a great tool to me.  I have wonderful memories and reading them and knowing what all we have survived and been through and the heartbreak, and the joyous moments.  I see where I have grown in the Lord.  I put all of my faith and trust in him.   He did what was right and He did it beautifully.  I couldn’t have asked for more.  That sounds like a weird sentence doesn’t it?    I would explain but,  I have no words for that.  The people that were there know and he sent us everyone that we needed to get through this.  And we are getting through it.  Good Days Bad Days Extremely Hard Days.  But, we are getting through it.  

I promise my next blog entry I will write about something else because I know everyone is sick of hearing about me and JT.  I shove it down people’s throats and I don’t mean to.  But, I think that is my way of keeping his memory alive for me. 

March of Dimes

I am starting early on the March of Dimes Walk.  I am designing T=shirts and we will be raising funds through out the whole school year.  So, if anyone would like to walk with us and help raise that would be great.  You will get a t-shirt with JT’s photo on it.  Great incentive.  At least I think so.  I have been looking through the SHARE community on the March of Dimes web site and have came up with some really good ideas.  Now, to make them I am sure that I can.  I just have to put my mind to it. 

Well, that is all from me today.  My kids are moving around upstairs and I know little miss crazy woman known as Mikayla will be down here in a minute going Eat mommy Eat.  

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Saturday, June 09, 2007

Putting it all together

Well, it has been a few days.  My lovely children spilled something on my keyboard and killed it.  I was pushing stuff and 3 or 4 letters and numbers were showing up.  I finally convinced my husband to go buy another one.  I mean it is only our 3 one in 2 weeks.  What is the problem?  lol. 

I have to tell a story.  So, here it is.

I was driving around the cemetary about  a week and a half ago and I noticed this grave marker.  It looked really big and by golly, I recognized the name on it.  When I was 15 – 18 I had volunteers that came and did things with me.  Their names were Jean and Howard.  They were the cutest older couple.  They wore matching clothes and they just loved each other.  They grew to love me also. I became a part of their family.  It was nice to be wanted because back then, nobody did.  I had lost touch with them over the years.  I knew Howard had passed away, but, I didn’t know where he was buried and I stumbled upon it.  I really think it was shining bright because there was a reason I needed to find it.  That day I was really down because I didn’t have any family in that cemetary, and I was upset because JT was by himself with no family.  I tell you the Howard’s headstone looked 20 feet high.  Seriously, I can’t explain it.  It looked really big. At least as tall as me.  I got out, and even walked up there and payed my respects and talked to him awhile and explained why I was there.  It really is comforting to sit in a cemetary and just talk.  Then, I left.  I was going to go visit Jean sometime that week.  I didn’t get around to it until Sunday and well, Sunday she wasn’t home all day.  So, Thurday, when we went to go pick out JT’s headstone, which is going to be beautiful, let me add that.  Timmy and Stacey and I decided to go and visit JT and then I went to show them Howard’s grave. 

Well….. his headstone is not as big as I thought it was the first time I seen it.  It only comes up to my hip.  Why did it seem so big to begin with?  I think I needed comforted and someone showed me the way.  WE all know who that was.  lol. 

We went right that second to Jean’s house.  She was home and I told her all about JT and she told me all about Howard and how lonely she has been feeling.  He has been gone for 4 years now, and she still feels like he is going to be coming home.  They had been married for 53 years.  Can you believe that?  How awesome. We talked and she had some great words of comfort to give me and I her.  She also, would like for me to drop the kids by and for me to just take some me time.  Whether that be go to the cemetary or to just go do something for myself.  She said she would enjoy it so much.  She loves kids and they wouldn’t be a problem.  I am going to start visiting her once a week from now on.  We already set it up.  I think this will help both of us. 

There are lights shining all around me to help me with my grief, I just need to look up and stop walking with my head down and worrying that people can’t handle it and just open up.  I have been trying to do this.

She is also going to help me with praying in front of people.  She has the same problem.  She is afraid that she would say the wrong thing or not have anything to say.  She also said that she went to bible study at a couples house that I met through them for 34 years and never once did she pray out loud, but, she is going to help me and help herself in the process.  She is such a great woman, I don’t understand how I lost contact with them. 

Well, there is my story.  I hope you enjoyed it. 

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Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Ground hog day

Well, I am cleaning again today.  Because yesterday, I was interupted because my 2 year old decided to take some of my daughter’s friend’s ADHD and Bi-polar mediacation.  She took two of them.  There was 4 in the pill holder.  I fished the lithium out of her mouth thank you Jesus. 

I rushed her to the ER and they gave her charcoal through an NG tube.  They were trying to explain to me what an NG was.  ha ha.  JT had one of those and I also put them in frequently.  I almost grabbed it from her and put it in myself.  She slept for 6 hours.  They were going to keep her but, she woke up and was her usual ornery self.  She tried to stab Timmy with her SAT probe.  So, she was fine.  They just watched vitals for an hour and sent us on our way.  I was so scared.  I kept thinking oh my goodness, I can’t do this again.  I can’t watch my baby die.  You should never have to do that.  Then, I mentally smacked myself in my head and started praying.  I held her hand and prayed for all I was worth.  I didn’t bargain, I didn’t plead, I just asked.  Then, I told God, this is in your hands, You have control over this situation.  Nothing I do will fix this.   After 6 hours of praying, She woke up ornery and crazy. 

Prayer was going to be my subject for today.  I really have a lot to say about it.  This was just another prayer answered. 

Prayer is our connection with God just like the Bible.  This is the time that we talk with him and tell him our fears and joys and ask for healing or for comfort or for the affairs of the world.  We ask for protection of those around us. 

I talk to God like I would a father.  That is what he is.  But, I never had one on this earth.  Well, of course I did but, he didn’t and still doesn’t take an active part in my life.  I started about 9 I would talk to God.  My Grandmother thought I was crazy and talking to myself.  But, alot of things had happened to me in my life at the point and I needed comfort and I turned to god. 

I have a hard time praying in public.  It is not something that I can do.  I take prayer personally and it is something that is between God and me.  There is a verse in the Bible  it talks about not boastful and take your prayers to your prayer closet and I think that I have just taken that to heart. 

I found the verse: 

Matthew 6:6 (New International Version)


6But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

In the KJV it is prayer closet. 

But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly

I only used KJV until I stumbled upon NIV. 

I need to work on praying outloud.  I have a hard time talking in front of people.  And prayer is so personal for me that it would be too hard to do, but, I am going to work on it.  Maybe this Thanksgiving I will be able to do the prayer for Thanksgiving dinner. 

But, this is something I feel I really need to work on. 

JT taught me so many things.  He had so much courage.  I wish I had half of what he had.  He was a miracle.  I know his courage came from all the prayers we had going for him.  We had people as far as Australia praying for him.  And as high up as Canada.   And everywhere in between.  You wouldn’t believe the e-mails I recieved.  From the 17th to the 19th I had over 217 e-mails and these came from all over the US and beyond.  It was amazing to see how many people he touched.  This one little child.  And they were all united in one way.  They were praying.  Praying for JT.  A few people told me that people that had never prayed had prayed for JT and brought about a relationship with God.  How amazing is that?  Just awesome I tell you. 

Remember the baby?  The one sent to save us?  Jesus Christ.  With him we can do anything.  You just have to accept him as your saviour.  Let him come into your heart and let him start working. He’ll help you and show you the way.   He hears your prayers.  He even hears prayers you can’t put words too. Your spirit calls out to him and will connect you with him.   It is the most amazing relationship you will ever had. 

Ok, I’ll get off of my soap box.  Nothing here probably makes sense to anyone but, these are my thoughts. 

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Monday, June 04, 2007

Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning

Cleaning.  Today, I am working on cleaning.  The house.  But, it got me to thinking how I need to clean up my life also.   JT has been gone for 18 days now.  For the past 9 months, I have not been a productive member of my family.  They have gotten into their own routines, ones that I have not been a part of,  different rules.  None of which I know.  My whole life was centered around Johnathan and caring for him and learning all about his illnesses and surgeries and care and weekends were spent with him.   I just wasn’t here.   Now, I have to learn how to be home and with my family and where my place is and how to fit . 

I know I am the mother, but, I honestly haven’t been here.  Even if I was home, my heart and mind was still at the hospital.  I was always worried that his diaper was wet and noone hand changed it or, what if he is crying and no one hears him.  I leaned on God alot which is what you are supposed to do to make sure his needs were met when I wasn’t there.  But, I am a mother so, I worried about him even so.

I would just plain miss holding him and looking at him. 

I miss holding him looking at him, smelling him, changing his ostomy and emptying it, giving him baths, taking his temp and BP and playing with him and asking him yes and no questions to see how he would answer.  I called him my magic 8 ball baby.  He was so smart and observive (is that a word?).   He loved being around people and he loved people talking to him.  

My heart is just so broken right now.  And it always will be.  I know we will be together again.  All of us as a family.  When we meet in heaven it will be the most glorious time.  I will meet him and our saviour Jesus Christ and God.  I couldn’t think of 3 people I would want to see more.   I mean come on now, Jesus, the man who died for our sins.  Who took all of our sins on his shoulders.  Shed his blood for us.  What a priviledge it will be.   God, creator of all, loving, caring, disciplinarian when he has to be but, in a kind loving way.   Johnathan my son, my only son born of me.  

I prayed so hard for a son when I was pregnant with JT.  I had 4 girls, so, I though a boy would be nice.  Ya know.  He answered that prayer.  I prayed for him to survive that 1 night.  The docs didn’t give him 24 hours, he did.  Everything that I prayed for was answered.

My prayer for him to go home that was answered.  Just it wasn’t to my home.  It was to the Lord’s home. Which is now JT’s home. 

A couple days before JT passed away, I said a prayer for God to just end his suffering to heal him and take him home.  I could just look into JT’s eyes and see the pain he was in.  But, smiling he was as he always was.  I said God, if it is your will that you take JT to heaven with you, please just end his suffering.  Just don’t let him go alone and give us time with him to tell him we love him and that we always will.  That prayer was answered.  

I prayed that prayer because I knew at the time that the time was near.   You can just feel it sometimes and I knew.  I prayed that prayer on a Tues night and Wednesday, JT went into septic shock.  I spent the last night with him and everyone else came up Thursday and spent the day with him.  We rocked him, kissed him, hugged him, told him how much we loved him and always would.  Told him to stop fighting.  He tried not to.   Then at 5:15p.m.  My baby left this world with a smile on  his face.   You could tell the moment because it was like someone grabbed his hand and he felt the love and warmth.  and it was just beautiful.   Knowing that my son, had met Jesus.  He is watching over us, eating chocolate and free from all the pain and procedures and iv’s and oxygen and blood and medicines.  That is what I wanted for him.  To be healed and that prayer was answered. 

More on prayer later.  This really got long.  lol.


Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Well, this has been one tough week.  I don’t know why but, everything is aggitating me.  I think that everything is just getting to me.   So, I am going to have the hubby watch the kids and go relax.  How do I do that though?  hmmm…….  Good question. Any Ideas?  I am plum out.  lol.

Potty training is stressful because little crazy girl has to go all of the time.  She has to wash her hands before and after and brush her teeth.  So between all of that and trying to get the stuff at home done and the stuff at school and still find time to spend with my children and getting up to see Johnathan I am just not fairing to well. But, I just pray about it and The Lord sees me through everyday. I wouldn’t have made it this far without him. 

Well,that is all for today.  Really I am going to get this blogging thing down yet.   lol.

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

It has taken me forever to figure out how to make another entry.  I just wasn’t looking in the right place.  lol.  

Well, Johnathan is back in Dayton.   I am glad but, sad at the same time.  I am happy that he is closer, but, sad that I don’t get to be there with him all the time and take care of him and be his mom.  He is back in the NICU and I know he is missing his tv. He loves Fox News.  Really, he does.  Weird for a 6 month old.  And I know he is going to miss his Temptations.  I think I am going to take him a cd player up there so that he can hear them every now and then. 

Tomorrow, he will be getting dedicated.  I am so happy.  I have been wishing for this to happen and with him being in the hospital and not able to go to church, I couldn’t see how this would happen.  But, my church just stepped right up and said we will come to you.  Isn’t that awesome??? Yes, Awesome is my new word.  It explains things that I think are more than fantabulous. 

My girls are with their dad right now,   I only have Mikayla at home.  She is my 2 year old.  She is so neat.  And has a mind of her own.   It is so weird going from 4 kids to just one.  I have had my girls with me all of their lives and have been the only one to take care of them.  Their dad hasn’t been a steady presence in their lives.  He wants to be more involved now and I am giving him the opportunity because well, they need their dad.  I pray that he doesn’t mess up and break their hearts.

Well, I have to start my day.   Toodles. 

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Monday, March 05, 2007

new one

Well, this is my first attempt at this.  With the boards closing everyone is starting a blog at various different places and I am see which ones are user friendly.   So here is this one. 

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