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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Doctor’s Appt.

Today I go to the doctor’s.   I have to be there at 11.  But, here I sit.  I don’t want to go.  I abhor going to the doctor.  It is always let’s stick you.   But, I having alot of depression (obviously), and headaches and I think my thyroid is finally to the point where I need medication. I have been having heart palpatations and that in itself scares me.  I can’t sleep.   And when I do sleep it is just not good sleep.  I can hardly eat but, I still have gained like 10 pounds in the last 2 weeks. Don’t really understand that.  It is all probably associated with grieving but, I really need to make sure nothing else is going on. I also have to make an appt with the gyno because I really need to get my tubes tied.  Talk about paranoid.  I am.  But, here I sit and I should be in the shower.   My doc is only 3 minutes up the street but, I do have to go pick up my friend who is going to watch the girls.  She is only 3 blocks away.    so, that won’t take any time either.  Oh well, who knows.   None of the kids are up.   It is really quiet here and that may be why I am still sitting here.  I like the quiet.   I like the little bit of free time.  

Ok, here I go to get ready.  

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Sunday, July 08, 2007


I don’t know what to call this post.  I don’t understand why you have to make a title anyway…..

But, I have been sitting here just thinking and listening to Petra. I love them.  They can really rock.   I am so confused right now.  I don’t know what to do.  I think I am depressed.  I am not sure.  I just don’t know what to do.  I want to be by myself all the time.  I have no patience.  I guess I am just going through a phase.  Ha thought those were over once I reached adulthood. 

Now, I am listening to Rodney Adkins.  IF you’re going through hell.  Yep. I feel it.  I think, what else can be thrown at me???  I mean I just went through something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  Not that I have any.  But, you know what I mean.  Well, unless you count my step daughter’s great grandma.  She is really mean. 

I guess, it just comes down to I feel like I am not allowed to grieve.  Everyone thinks that I have had enough time.  Move on.  What the heck is that suppose to mean?? 

Plus, I am depressed at the moment too because Timmy is with his mom.  I get so scared when he goes over there.  I drove past (ok, call me a stalker), him his little cousin and his sister are outside with NO parental supervision lighting off bottle rockets.  Uh uh,,,,  is the woman out of her mind?  She has issues.  Really big ones.   I almost solved them for her.  But, no, I was calm about it.  I just took them from them, broke them in half, stuck them in my trunk, took the lighter and busted it on the ground.  There’s some sparks and pretty lights for you.  Calmly walked in there and told her that next time something like that happens she won’t never see him again.  Anyone of them could have been maimed or killed. 

Where was she you ask?  Laying on the couch watching tv.  What kind of parent does that?  Let me know. 

I don’t even let my children this includes Timmy touch lighters or matches.  I just don’t understand what is going on in some people’s heads. 

She told me that they knew what they were doing and what was the problem?  I just didn’t even try to explain it because well, it would have gotten me no where fast.   And I probably would have ended up deckin her the mood that I was in.  And believe me, I am not a violent person.   Unless, it comes to the saftey and security of my children.  Mess with my babies and well, you better watch out. 

I am friends with someone again and she has a lot of depression problems.  I think she is bringing me down.  Mostly because I am letting her.  My heart is hurting and I am letting her let me be depressed.   That made absolutely no sense, but, I know what I meant.

I have been praying vigilantly for the Lord to help me through all of this.  I know it is going to take a long time.  But, please I wish some of this hurt would go away.  It feels like it is getting worse and I am getting panicky.   I barely sleep anymore.  I barely eat to the point I think I am making myself sick.  I made a doctor’s appt it is Tues.  So, hopefully, I’ll get some help with this.  I am not one for going to the doctor’s or taking medication. So, hopefully she will give me an alternative to medication.   I don’t like junking my body up.   Well, ok, I am afraid to take medication.  I don’t like the way that it makes me feel.   I suffered after both c-sections because I didn’t want to take any pain medication.   I ripped the scripts up or got them filled and stared at them.  Do you realize after a surgery they give you vicodin like they are candy.  I kid you not, I got one with refills on it.   I mean come on it came with 30 pills.   Who needs that much?  I guess they have to make their money somewhere huh? 

Ok, now that i have rambled and gotten a lot of things off of my chest.  I feel sorry for anyone that really tried to follow that.   I do apologize.  OOOOHHHHH  I think I have come up with a title. 

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Monday, July 02, 2007

My heart is hurting

I don’t really know where to start.   Well, I guess at the beginning.  lol. 

About a week and a half ago, I was going through my 13 yo dd’s (Ashley’s) history on the computer.   I came across a website that she was a member of.   I was searching around and seen some really vulgar stuff.   Little 13 and 14 year old girls posing in underwear and bra’s claiming to be lesbians and such.  I was in shock. I mean, she knows where she is supposed to go on this thing and where she isn’t.  I called my bestest friend and talked to her about it.  I had no clue what to do well, except for the customary lecture and grounding.   I really wanted to smack her and ask her what the heck did she think she was doing.  

Well, we came up with the idea of setting her up and teaching her a lesson.  Stacy, went on there and made a profile.  She said she was a 13 year old girl.   You know made stuff up.   Like a pedophile would.   She started having conversations with her.    Like you know the usual.  What things do you like.   what grade etc…

Well, Saturday night we were all going to  a friends house.  She lives 3 blocks away.  Mikayla had fallen asleep, so, I told Ashley that she had to stay and watch Mikayla and to call when she woke up and I would come and get her.   I told her that she was allowed on the computer and not to go anywhere that she was not allowed to.

I than called Stacy and let her know that I was leaving.  

Well, in less than an hour’s time she got out of her what city that she lives in, that she is home alone, watching her baby sister and then she gives this person who she thinks is a 13 year old girl   our address.   

Stacy called me extremely upset.  I was too.  I just couldn’t believe that she would give that info to anyone.  She has been told repeatedly not to give out ANY personal information. 

Well, Ashley has only seen Stacy’s cousin Patrick a couple of times.   And we sent him up to the house.  Mind you she is not suppose to answer the door. And it is 10:00 at night.   She opens the door to him and oh boy did he scare her.   He said Are you Ashley?  She said yes, eye’s big, I was just talking to you on the internet, She is standing there door wide open.   He said a few other things to  her like stay off the internet.   Then he left.  The whole time we are hiding.  

Her first reaction should have been to call the police.   Which we alerted the police what we were doing in case she did the right thing and called the police.  

I am so disappointed in her right now, Also, scared and angry and few other things.   I mean she not only put herself in danger, but, her little sister too who was asleep on the couch.   She is no longer allowed to see the light of day.  Mike and I have sat around and talked and we are going to be spending more time as a family together.  Which means I get limited computer time.  I nor he is allowed on the computer, or the x-box or anything else this includes tv if the children are awake. 

Sun, Tues, Thurs  We are taking a family walk.

Wed – is family game night.

Friday is make your own pizza night

Saturday Afternoons is find something free in our city to do. (or surrounding areas)

Sunday- Church no exceptions.  I haven’t been going lately well, because once I woke up late and the rest of the last couple weeks we have had plans.   Well, no more. 

We have also institued wake up and go to bed times.  

Absolutely no computer for any of the children, not even a game.

We are going to sit down and talk to the children tonight about why all of this came about.  That way they can understand why all of a sudden they are on lock down. 

For the next week they are not allowed outside or to have friends over.  This way we can get our schedule flowing with out distractions..

Well, that is my internet story.  

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