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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Doctor’s Appt.

Today I go to the doctor’s.   I have to be there at 11.  But, here I sit.  I don’t want to go.  I abhor going to the doctor.  It is always let’s stick you.   But, I having alot of depression (obviously), and headaches and I think my thyroid is finally to the point where I need medication. I have been having heart palpatations and that in itself scares me.  I can’t sleep.   And when I do sleep it is just not good sleep.  I can hardly eat but, I still have gained like 10 pounds in the last 2 weeks. Don’t really understand that.  It is all probably associated with grieving but, I really need to make sure nothing else is going on. I also have to make an appt with the gyno because I really need to get my tubes tied.  Talk about paranoid.  I am.  But, here I sit and I should be in the shower.   My doc is only 3 minutes up the street but, I do have to go pick up my friend who is going to watch the girls.  She is only 3 blocks away.    so, that won’t take any time either.  Oh well, who knows.   None of the kids are up.   It is really quiet here and that may be why I am still sitting here.  I like the quiet.   I like the little bit of free time.  

Ok, here I go to get ready.  

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Sunday, July 08, 2007


I don’t know what to call this post.  I don’t understand why you have to make a title anyway…..

But, I have been sitting here just thinking and listening to Petra. I love them.  They can really rock.   I am so confused right now.  I don’t know what to do.  I think I am depressed.  I am not sure.  I just don’t know what to do.  I want to be by myself all the time.  I have no patience.  I guess I am just going through a phase.  Ha thought those were over once I reached adulthood. 

Now, I am listening to Rodney Adkins.  IF you’re going through hell.  Yep. I feel it.  I think, what else can be thrown at me???  I mean I just went through something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  Not that I have any.  But, you know what I mean.  Well, unless you count my step daughter’s great grandma.  She is really mean. 

I guess, it just comes down to I feel like I am not allowed to grieve.  Everyone thinks that I have had enough time.  Move on.  What the heck is that suppose to mean?? 

Plus, I am depressed at the moment too because Timmy is with his mom.  I get so scared when he goes over there.  I drove past (ok, call me a stalker), him his little cousin and his sister are outside with NO parental supervision lighting off bottle rockets.  Uh uh,,,,  is the woman out of her mind?  She has issues.  Really big ones.   I almost solved them for her.  But, no, I was calm about it.  I just took them from them, broke them in half, stuck them in my trunk, took the lighter and busted it on the ground.  There’s some sparks and pretty lights for you.  Calmly walked in there and told her that next time something like that happens she won’t never see him again.  Anyone of them could have been maimed or killed. 

Where was she you ask?  Laying on the couch watching tv.  What kind of parent does that?  Let me know. 

I don’t even let my children this includes Timmy touch lighters or matches.  I just don’t understand what is going on in some people’s heads. 

She told me that they knew what they were doing and what was the problem?  I just didn’t even try to explain it because well, it would have gotten me no where fast.   And I probably would have ended up deckin her the mood that I was in.  And believe me, I am not a violent person.   Unless, it comes to the saftey and security of my children.  Mess with my babies and well, you better watch out. 

I am friends with someone again and she has a lot of depression problems.  I think she is bringing me down.  Mostly because I am letting her.  My heart is hurting and I am letting her let me be depressed.   That made absolutely no sense, but, I know what I meant.

I have been praying vigilantly for the Lord to help me through all of this.  I know it is going to take a long time.  But, please I wish some of this hurt would go away.  It feels like it is getting worse and I am getting panicky.   I barely sleep anymore.  I barely eat to the point I think I am making myself sick.  I made a doctor’s appt it is Tues.  So, hopefully, I’ll get some help with this.  I am not one for going to the doctor’s or taking medication. So, hopefully she will give me an alternative to medication.   I don’t like junking my body up.   Well, ok, I am afraid to take medication.  I don’t like the way that it makes me feel.   I suffered after both c-sections because I didn’t want to take any pain medication.   I ripped the scripts up or got them filled and stared at them.  Do you realize after a surgery they give you vicodin like they are candy.  I kid you not, I got one with refills on it.   I mean come on it came with 30 pills.   Who needs that much?  I guess they have to make their money somewhere huh? 

Ok, now that i have rambled and gotten a lot of things off of my chest.  I feel sorry for anyone that really tried to follow that.   I do apologize.  OOOOHHHHH  I think I have come up with a title. 

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Monday, July 02, 2007

My heart is hurting

I don’t really know where to start.   Well, I guess at the beginning.  lol. 

About a week and a half ago, I was going through my 13 yo dd’s (Ashley’s) history on the computer.   I came across a website that she was a member of.   I was searching around and seen some really vulgar stuff.   Little 13 and 14 year old girls posing in underwear and bra’s claiming to be lesbians and such.  I was in shock. I mean, she knows where she is supposed to go on this thing and where she isn’t.  I called my bestest friend and talked to her about it.  I had no clue what to do well, except for the customary lecture and grounding.   I really wanted to smack her and ask her what the heck did she think she was doing.  

Well, we came up with the idea of setting her up and teaching her a lesson.  Stacy, went on there and made a profile.  She said she was a 13 year old girl.   You know made stuff up.   Like a pedophile would.   She started having conversations with her.    Like you know the usual.  What things do you like.   what grade etc…

Well, Saturday night we were all going to  a friends house.  She lives 3 blocks away.  Mikayla had fallen asleep, so, I told Ashley that she had to stay and watch Mikayla and to call when she woke up and I would come and get her.   I told her that she was allowed on the computer and not to go anywhere that she was not allowed to.

I than called Stacy and let her know that I was leaving.  

Well, in less than an hour’s time she got out of her what city that she lives in, that she is home alone, watching her baby sister and then she gives this person who she thinks is a 13 year old girl   our address.   

Stacy called me extremely upset.  I was too.  I just couldn’t believe that she would give that info to anyone.  She has been told repeatedly not to give out ANY personal information. 

Well, Ashley has only seen Stacy’s cousin Patrick a couple of times.   And we sent him up to the house.  Mind you she is not suppose to answer the door. And it is 10:00 at night.   She opens the door to him and oh boy did he scare her.   He said Are you Ashley?  She said yes, eye’s big, I was just talking to you on the internet, She is standing there door wide open.   He said a few other things to  her like stay off the internet.   Then he left.  The whole time we are hiding.  

Her first reaction should have been to call the police.   Which we alerted the police what we were doing in case she did the right thing and called the police.  

I am so disappointed in her right now, Also, scared and angry and few other things.   I mean she not only put herself in danger, but, her little sister too who was asleep on the couch.   She is no longer allowed to see the light of day.  Mike and I have sat around and talked and we are going to be spending more time as a family together.  Which means I get limited computer time.  I nor he is allowed on the computer, or the x-box or anything else this includes tv if the children are awake. 

Sun, Tues, Thurs  We are taking a family walk.

Wed – is family game night.

Friday is make your own pizza night

Saturday Afternoons is find something free in our city to do. (or surrounding areas)

Sunday- Church no exceptions.  I haven’t been going lately well, because once I woke up late and the rest of the last couple weeks we have had plans.   Well, no more. 

We have also institued wake up and go to bed times.  

Absolutely no computer for any of the children, not even a game.

We are going to sit down and talk to the children tonight about why all of this came about.  That way they can understand why all of a sudden they are on lock down. 

For the next week they are not allowed outside or to have friends over.  This way we can get our schedule flowing with out distractions..

Well, that is my internet story.  

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Friday, August 03, 2007

Had a meeting with my pastor yesterday.

It was a really good meeting. Stacy went with me because well, we are joined at the hip you know.  lol.  Just kidding.  We both had questions.  We got our questions answered.  And he even gave me a way to politely tell the JW’s to not come back.   So nice of him.  Because really, I can’t be mean.   It just isn’t me.   He also suggested that I read Hebrews.  And I have read to the 9th chapter and a lot of the questions that I have or had really are answered in there.  He showed me passages where the JWs change so that what they are saying sounds right.  But, it is out of context and where they should be reading as symbolic they read as literal and so on and so forth.   Very interesting conversation and very eye opening also.

He also gave me some prayers to help me out.  I have a hard time praying out loud “in front of people”   I don’t think those prayers will help me with that but, well, i love the prayers.  They did show me that a prayer is a prayer.  You don’t have to be fancy you just pray.  I really appreciate that. 

After we left there which we were there for an hour and a half and it just flew by.  He even said that if we had more questions and wanted to come back or if I just wanted to talk about JT then let him know and we can meet again.  How awesome is that? 

But, after we left there, I took Stacy to the cemetary and we visited Johnathan and looked at all the markers in the baby section.  I think cemetaries are beautiful and peaceful.  I would rather not be visiting my son there but, well, if it has to be there I am glad that he is in a beautiful and peaceful place.  I showed her the marker for Howard that I thought was so big which in actuality wasn’t.  She showed me where all her relatives were.   I think it was a great time.  This was the first time she had been there since he was buried and I wanted to be the one to take her.  I don’t know if she was ready or not but, I took her anyway.  I think that was selfish of me, but, I just thought it was something that she had to do. 

We also thanked him for letting us know that it was ok to be angry with God.  He has big shoulders and can take it.  He also said which I know but, I just need to hear it that Johnathan served his purpose.  There was a reason he was sent here and a reason that he was only here for 8 1/2 months.  I know this and I feel that is right in my heart and I know that we won’t know the extent of that purpose until we talk to God on the other side.  But, it helps me a little more every time that I hear that.  I have heard several stories of how people have prayed for the first time.  Praying for my son, or whose faith has grown because they have heard and read his story.  I think that it is awesome.  I hope that their faith and prayers continue, and that they keep growing in the Lord, and if JT’s short stay managed to do that then that is awesome news.   And I say thank you.  That doesn’t make my heart not hurt anymore or feel like it is being torn from my chest, or the wanting of my son back, but, it does help to know that.  

Well, I guess, I have talked enough.   But, I wanted to update you on our visit and the questions have been answered. 

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Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Thinking Blogger award

Wow, me, make people think?  How cool is that?  I would like to say thank you to Ginger for picking me.  How sweet is she?  I would like to accept this award on behalf of all the little people that got me here.  lol. 

Ok, I need to pick 5 people that make me think.  Or whose blogs make me think.  hmmmm……  Well, there are a lot of them.  And I think that alot of them have already been picked.   But, well, I am going to put you anyway. he he.

Here are the rules of participation:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,

2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,

3. Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.

ok, here are my people:

Barbara Sue


Chocolate Chic

Tressa’s other corner


Those are my picks and if this is your 2nd or 3rd time getting picked than you just know you have really made some people out here think.  That I feel is a great accomplishment. 

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Monday, July 30, 2007


Just taking a break.   WE meaning the kids and I have totally trashed the house trying to clean it.  I have a living room full of yard sale stuff, and a dining room that is completely torn apart because I am going through it and organizing it and trying to see if there is more yard sale stuff.  I just finished the computer desk so, I figured why not get on this thing for a few.  And a few is what it is going to be.  lol.  I have kept myself so busy it is unreal.  I sewed an apron, and am almost done with a quilt and the tearing apart of the house.  Plus, I have a booster meeting tonight.  Which I have all of the stuff printed off for that.  So, that is done.  I just need to finish this dining room.  We are going around the outsides and throwing stuff in the middle where Harley and Stacey are going through it and getting out all the trash and then putting it in piles of where it goes in the house.  The system was working fine until I got on here and they all scattered.  I guess they deserve a break too.  I haven’t had pop since Friday night.  I am giving it up and I think I got energy now because of it.  Let’s hope so. 

Well, the natives are getting restless and fighting so, I guess it is back to work for all of us.  lol

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Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Really depressed….

Just like the title says. I am really depressed.  I am just not interested in anything.  I can’t focus.   Stacy (my friend)  said I need to update this.  So, I am.  We went out Saturday night, just to get out and get away.  We happened upon the Jazz and Rib Fest at the park.  It was really great.  See here in little ole springfield, we have a Summer Arts Festival that runs about 6 weeks and everything there is free.  Well, except the food.   So, we decided to stop and walk around get some exercise and really enjoyed it.  We sampled some ribs and corn too.  They had resonable prices.  I was surprised. 

We were talking and we got on the subject of life after death.  Like where our souls go and such.  I have had some Jehovah Witnesses that have been stopping by and I said ok, I will study with you but, I don’t agree with some of the things that you teach and expect me to disagree.   She agreed.   But, she told me Saturday morning I think that it was that bodies are just lying there waiting.  No souls go to heaven, heaven is full.   Now, that goes against everything that I am taught and well, I just can’t believe it.  I have heard of the resurrection and I have heard souls going to heaven.  

Stacy and I were also talking about the fact that every bible is different and everyone interprets it a different way.  We could each read the same verse and have different interpretations of it.  It is so confusing.  I told her that we really need to find someone and talk to them about things someone who is really well versed in the bible.  Maybe who has special training in the original format so to speak. 

We also talked about different religions.  How do we know which one is right.  I mean you have Jewish, Buddist, Hindu, Christian, etc…..

They mostly all have a basis of each other but, different aspects.  Now, how do we know which one we are supposed to be or ….. here is a crazy thought, what if they are all right??? My favorite verse is Ephesians 4:5  There is one Lord, One Faith, One Baptism..

If that is the case, then we ALL should serve the same God, believe the same, etc..

Sorry about all of the etc…

I am not sure.  I really need to get a hold of my pastor and pick his brain so to speak.  I just really don’t like bugging people, but, this is bugging me. 

I think the Jehovah Witness people are doing what they are supposed to do.  Putting a seed of doubt in my heart and I really don’t like that.

I should really just tell them no go away don’t want to hear it, but, I am truely not that mean. 

Jean told me that you need to minister to all people regardless of your differences.  I feel though that i haven’t the tools to do so.  I would really like to get into a good bible study and just start learning and learning some more.  Because the more I try to do it on my own, the more I can’t do it. I have no one to ask questions to or get another point of view.  My grandmother sends me a bible study book once a month it is a A Closer Walk.  That is fine and all, but, I have no direction.  I need direction.  I pray for it but, when there is no one but myself to lead, then well, I get no where.  Very discouraging at the moment.  But, I plan on fixing that. 

Well, thanks for listening to me. 

oh yeah, on a side note…  The dug the place (hole) for JT’s marker.  I hope it comes in soon. It is beautiful.. 

So see you all another day here soon. 

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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

And then there is today.

Today has been so exhausting.  Stacy (my friend) and I have spent most of the day out and looking for places to get clothes for the boys.  We went to WIC, they had nothing.  Then to Saint Vincent dePaul, they had nothing.   Dollar General had every size flip flop but the right size for Shane and we basically got nothing.   And I don’t have the money to just run out and get them anything.  I had two dollars two dollars to my name and well, that isn’t going to get anything.   lol.   

So, here I sit very tired.   Ashley put a movie in for the boys and mikayla to watch.   Which is good.  So, hopefully that will keep them occupied for a while.   I also learned today that my baby girl is a little bully.  She likes to hit and tell them NO! she got in big trouble for that.  So, most of the day, she has sat.  I really should have spanked her but, shane and jordy have been hit so much that when I went to spank her they started screaming so, well, I figured that probably wouldn’t be a good idea to put them through watching that. So, she got off easy.   At least in my mind she did. 

Ashley is baking a cake and is going to surprise them with it.   We did manage to work together and got the kitchen all sparkly just to have her mess it up.  lol  but, oh well, it was going to happen eventually. 

Well, off to take Harley to counseling.   La la alalalalalala

At my house

Nothing happening to much here.   I have a friend and his girlfriend over here and she is in labor so, yeah!! We are waiting for a baby.  We don’t know the gender yet.  The baby has been hiding it.  lol.   So, I keep asking her if her water broke and calling her turtle turtle because she gets stuck.  I remember being there.  It’s funny when it is someone else.  She thinks it is funny too. 

I really have mixed emotions about it.  I am happy they are having a full term healthy baby, but, then again I feel like I hate her sometimes.  It isn’t fair.   But, what in life is?  Pretty much nothing.  I wrote JT a really long letter today.  I was feeling really depressed, so, I wrote him.  It made me feel so much better. 

OH yeah!!!! Speaking of the little chuba wubba, His headstone is now in.  It is gorgeous. My step son called me because they were at the cemetary doing a memorial for his uncle and they went to visit JT’s grave and he called me all excited that it was finally in.    I rushed down there so quick to see it.  I was really excited and it looks better than I expected.  I never realized to the full extent how long his name actually is.   lol.   I think his name is longer than he was when he was born.  It says Johnathan “JT” Thomas Michael Poling.  Then his dates.  08-29-06  –  05-17-07

Always loved

Never to be forgotten

and there is a small heart after that and he also has a praying angel on there. 

I was so excited though.  Kinda sickening what I get excited about these days. 

His birthday celebration went great we did a balloon release and watched the balloons until they were gone.  Sang Happy Birthday and Brittney and Ashley read a poem. 

While we were waiting for everyone to get there the kids went around the cemetary reading headstones.  We deemed it a field trip in history.  lol.  Which is true.  There is a lot of history in that cemetary.

I have been really busy with school starting and Ashley starting she uses my computer at the moment until we can get hers hooked up.  I don’t know why I am dragging my feet on that.  Just laziness I guess. Who knows. But, hopefully in the next few weeks I’ll get to it.  lol

Well, that is all for my horendously long update.  I promise I will try to write more often.  he he.