Sadness

I have had no ambition to write these past few weeks. I usually love to write. I would write anything or about anything. Something as boring as writing a term paper was just heaven to me. But, here lately I have no ambition.

A had a sad and happy day Saturday. Happy because it was Megan’s birthday party and well, I love Megan dearly. She is one of a kind. You meet her and can just see the mischief in her eyes. She turned 4 Saturday. She is Mikayla’s best friend and Stacy’s daughter. We had fun at the party. Stacy even did a few magic tricks. lol.

It was sad because well, I got a call from the NICU. I had been out running errands all morning. I had to get a bag for Megan’s present and also get stuff for our halloween party and pay some bills. I had to run home so Ashley could get something from the house and Mike comes running out with the phone. He said the NICU called. I argued with him for a while and the whole while I was about to get sick. Why could they possibly be calling me. He said yes, they did call. So, I took a breath held it and called. Yes. they had called. Joyce answered the phone. I asked if someone had called me she said well, yes, they did. She knew who I was and didn’t even have to say my name. She said she knew my voice. She had really sad news. Retta, who was a PCA up there had passed away Wednesday. In her home. No rhyme or reason. Just happened. Now, to know Retta, she always knew when to give you a pat, a hug, or just sit with you and tell you yes, it isn’t fair but, you gotta just love him. She showed me how to use a really big crotchet needle to make baby blankets that took like a day and a half to make. She touched so many people with her humor and her compassion and love she had for the babies and parents that were going through our journey in the NICU. She was awesome at what she did and did it selflessly. I feel safe in knowing that JT has someone up there that he knows and that he welcomed her with open arms. But, she will be greatly missed here. I am so glad that she helped me so much and she was a surprise guest at his funeral. Vicky said she was bringing someone and that someone was Retta. She just recently sent me a card letting me know that she was thinking of me. She didn’t forget you when you left and that is a trait that not alot of people have.

So, thank you Retta for the Love and the selfless way that you took care of those around you.

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Last Night was a riot!

Last night was a good end to a terribly ridiculous day. Hubby and I went to see the LAF comedy tour. Wendy Liebman, Greg Giraldo, and Colin Quinn were there and it was hosted by Joe deVito. It was a lot of fun and a lot of laughs.

Yesterday started out ok, but, just the stuff that happended to me was crazy. The kids and I got up and cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen spotless, the living room most of the way and were going to leave the dining room for today. Well, the kids made the menu for the week. I made the grocery list and we were off to the grocery. Read this, me and six kids. We get about 3 blocks away and all of a sudden, nothing but, loud very loud noise and then rumble. The part that my hubby had fixed on the exhaust had broken and it was hanging and scrapping. We turn around and make it home with out blowing up and hubby rips it off and tells me that he can’t fix it this time. Oh pooh. So, anyway we get back into the car and think we are again heading to the store. We hear a loud pop and I thought that my tire had blew. So, we turn around in the alley and go get hubby again. He is laughing because well, I never thought to even look at the tire. The exhaust or he said the muffler part fell off, Yep, there it was in the alley. So, again we go to the store. I have my list and we get there and shop with out any of the screaming and the I wanting that usually accompanies it. We only forgot two things because well, we had looked all over that place and couldn’t find them. The kids helped bag and actually did a great job of it. they loaded the car and then when we got home unloaded it and helped put it away. After that we watched X-Men 1 and 2 and then got ready for me and hubby to go out. So, after all the fiasco we went through trying to get to the store and finally getting there, it was actually a great day.

I don’t know if you know anything about my house, but, my kids love to pick on and fight with each other and well, we didn’t have that yesterday. I guess it is right keep em busy and they won’t have time for it. lol.

The Comedy tour was a blast. Greg Giraldo was the best. I think it was because he was louder and I could understand him. The other two were kinda not speaking into the mircrophone the right way and you could only hear bits and pieces of it. But, still it was time alone without kids for once. It was nice.

So, that was my crazy day yesterday.

WE Survived

Yep, you read it. We survived. It was hard and it wasn’t easy but, we survived. We all got to tell our story and it was hard talking and listening. As we listened we found out that some of the crazy things that we have thought or done are just normal. We didn’t leave. I wanted to so bad a couple of times. I am not a cryer in front of people. I tried so hard not to, but, well, it was inevitable.

I have talked about my fear before of while I wasn’t there that Johnathan just layed there and no one payed any attention to him. Well, one of the ladies there lost her son in April. He was in the NICU. I vaguley remember her. But, she said whenever she walked by he was smiling and playing with his toys and nurses where around him and he was just so happy. I really needed to hear that. I thanked her and it made me so happy inside to hear that. She just went on and on about how he was so happy and his chubby cheeks. Yep, that was my boy. I am kinda grateful once in a while that he was in the corner because to get into the nursing room you had to pass him and I know alot of people couldn’t resist saying hi and he loved that. But, on the other hand there wasn’t much privacy for us while we were visiting. Not that there really was much in the first place. lol.

That really made me mad the day that he died. People were walking by to go pump and it just interrupted our last little time. Plus, one little girl. Well, she wasn’t llittle just young almost got cussed out because she couldn’t stop staring and I know it wasn’t her fault. I probably would have given that same look if I had been in that situation. At the time though I wasn’t thinking rationally and well, she almost got a dose of all the hurt and anger and frustration that I was feeling at the moment. I know she’ll never know it but, I apologize to her everytime that I think of that moment.

We talked about go into their bedrooms after they were born. Well, that hospital was his house. It hurt so bad. It hurt so bad knowing that we were right across from the courtyard. Where we took him outside and had the greatest time. But, I needed to do this. I don’t think that I can bring myself to ever go back up to the NICU because that was his bedroom. You can feel him in that hospital. Sounds weird. But, I could feel him.

We drove past his window to get to the parking lot and I almost got upset because I didn’t think that I could see his window because they are building a parking lot. I kept saying that I didn’t want to see the window but, I knew that I did. I was messing with Stacy when we left and said look there is JT in the window. lol. She didn’t look and I know I sure didn’t I scared myself. We got a big laugh at that.

All in all we heard different stories that were different from our, but, like ours. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but, we found out that yeah, even us being as crazy as we think that we are. WE are just normal.

Tomorrow is getting closer

Yep, tomorrow is grief group at Childrens. I am so sick right now in thinking about going to that place I am scared. I don’t know if I can do it. But, I will. I think of driving in and seeing his window and knowing that he is not up there. What if I run into one of his nurses? The time we leave is the time that they are leaving. I don’t know if I am up to that yet. I do want to see the fish tank. That calmed us and gave us amusement during his heat cath. Plus, watching all the children walk up to it was really neat to watch. I really need to be able to let myself walk in there and get it over with. What if God Forbid something happens to my other children. And they have to go there or if Ashley has to go back for x-rays there because of her hip displaysia? So, there are other reasons I have to be able to walk in there.

I read on someone elses blog about how God is alive and working in your life no matter what. That is what I got from it and no matter how much you don’t feel him there he is. Sometimes I feel like he has abandoned me. Several times a day I feel that. I mean I just feel like screaming at him and I have alot. I know he has heard me. I know he is working but, a lot of the time it is hard to “feel” it. Kinda like you know a clock is working really hard. It looks on the outside that not much is going on, but, on the inside all of these gears are just working diligently together to keep time. To me it may not feel as though God is working and in my life at various times through out the day, but, He is and I know this in my heart, but, sometimes my head tries to think he isn’t. So, thank you so much for writing that yesterday CC. I really took it to heart.

Please pray for us, Stacy and I tomorrow evening to give us the strength that we need to do this.

are you???


You Are 27% Impulsive


You’re a pretty stable and serious person. You don’t take things lightly.
This doesn’t mean you can’t have fun – you just have fun responsibly.
You definitely have a spontaneous side, but you only let loose when it’s appropriate.

Anger

I am working through so much anger right now. Sometimes it is unbearable the weight in my chest. Sometimes, I really don’t want to let that anger go because I know that would mean that I would have to move on. Sometimes I can really hold a grudge and be so unyielding in forgiving or letting go. I really don’t want to stop being angry because in some ways it helps me get stuff done. You should see the scrubbing I do in the kitchen when I get to where I am so angry that I have to just do something. my kitchen gets clean at least. Sometimes, I want to scream. But, I don’t because that would be a release of some of that anger. And I won’t cry in front of people. I get mad because sometimes I almost can’t stop it. Something as simple as driving to church this morning. I kept having flash backs of JT’s funeral because my pastor did the funeral. And that brought me back to JT. I got angry because I wanted to cry. I tell you inside I am a mess. You look at me and you wouldn’t think anything was wrong with me. I act bubbly and happy and well, I am not. No where near it.

I start Grief group at children’s Wednesday. Oh how I am trying to avoid that. I told Stacy that I was going to avoid her for a few days and make us miss it and well, I couldn’t keep that. I call her to much to avoid her. It would literally hurt me if I couldn’t call her just because. And that is no joke. She laughed and thought that it was funny, Ha ha. Well, I did to after I told her. She laughs and it is contagious. I think she said she would come looking for me and stalk me if she couldn’t get ahold of me. I think she is a stalker and she is already stalking me. I think she needs help. (Just kidding Stacy laugh).

Well, anyway, she said we could sit by the door and if it got to much we could just leave. My problem is walking in there. I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t even think I can make that drive. But, as always, I will do the right thing and do it no matter how much it hurts. I was talking to my counselor and told her I really wish I could handle this and just be all tore up crazy laying in bed day in and day out. I never get to be that. She made me mad because she said that I am handling this in a very healthy way. I HATE hearing that. because if this is the healthy way and it hurts this much, I would hate to see how much the unhealthy way hurts. I don’t want to deal with it. But, like I said, I am the idiot that always does the right thing the right way no matter how much I hurt. And I don’t like that. I don’t want to be ok in front of my kids and husband. I want to be a torn up broken up mess. I want to tell them. Hey. I need to be a mess. I need to just cry for no damn reason. Just let me do it. Let me just stop being so stinkin strong for you because I am afraid of how it might make you feel because I don’t want you to feel the hurt that I am feeling every single minute of every day so much that I am afraid it is going to crush me. Take some of this load of off me PLEASE!!

Mikayla was at church today and some idiot came up to me and asked me oh my is this your youngest. She is getting so big. No you freak, it isn’t my youngest is dead. That is what I wanted to say but, no, I didn’t I just went on and said Yes, she is. Really, I would never be that rude to her. My girls all call her maw maw and have since they were born. she just hasn’t really been in our lives for about 5 years. And she always says some really off the way stuff anyway and doesn’t think before she speaks. So, I forgave her. Or maybe I didn’t at this point I have no idea. It is still tearing at my heart, so, I guess I didn’t but, the thought was there for a moment.

I realized today that it had been days since I looked at JT’s pic on the wall. The clock is right next to it and I avoided it. I have been looking on the microwave or the computer or asking the girls what time it is. I guess avoidance is my middle name.

I am sorry to lay this on anyone that reads this. I just needed to get it out. And writing is so much easier for me than talking. I talk so much more better than I write. Well, most of the time anyway.

I love you and miss you Bubba!!!