Anger

I am working through so much anger right now. Sometimes it is unbearable the weight in my chest. Sometimes, I really don’t want to let that anger go because I know that would mean that I would have to move on. Sometimes I can really hold a grudge and be so unyielding in forgiving or letting go. I really don’t want to stop being angry because in some ways it helps me get stuff done. You should see the scrubbing I do in the kitchen when I get to where I am so angry that I have to just do something. my kitchen gets clean at least. Sometimes, I want to scream. But, I don’t because that would be a release of some of that anger. And I won’t cry in front of people. I get mad because sometimes I almost can’t stop it. Something as simple as driving to church this morning. I kept having flash backs of JT’s funeral because my pastor did the funeral. And that brought me back to JT. I got angry because I wanted to cry. I tell you inside I am a mess. You look at me and you wouldn’t think anything was wrong with me. I act bubbly and happy and well, I am not. No where near it.

I start Grief group at children’s Wednesday. Oh how I am trying to avoid that. I told Stacy that I was going to avoid her for a few days and make us miss it and well, I couldn’t keep that. I call her to much to avoid her. It would literally hurt me if I couldn’t call her just because. And that is no joke. She laughed and thought that it was funny, Ha ha. Well, I did to after I told her. She laughs and it is contagious. I think she said she would come looking for me and stalk me if she couldn’t get ahold of me. I think she is a stalker and she is already stalking me. I think she needs help. (Just kidding Stacy laugh).

Well, anyway, she said we could sit by the door and if it got to much we could just leave. My problem is walking in there. I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t even think I can make that drive. But, as always, I will do the right thing and do it no matter how much it hurts. I was talking to my counselor and told her I really wish I could handle this and just be all tore up crazy laying in bed day in and day out. I never get to be that. She made me mad because she said that I am handling this in a very healthy way. I HATE hearing that. because if this is the healthy way and it hurts this much, I would hate to see how much the unhealthy way hurts. I don’t want to deal with it. But, like I said, I am the idiot that always does the right thing the right way no matter how much I hurt. And I don’t like that. I don’t want to be ok in front of my kids and husband. I want to be a torn up broken up mess. I want to tell them. Hey. I need to be a mess. I need to just cry for no damn reason. Just let me do it. Let me just stop being so stinkin strong for you because I am afraid of how it might make you feel because I don’t want you to feel the hurt that I am feeling every single minute of every day so much that I am afraid it is going to crush me. Take some of this load of off me PLEASE!!

Mikayla was at church today and some idiot came up to me and asked me oh my is this your youngest. She is getting so big. No you freak, it isn’t my youngest is dead. That is what I wanted to say but, no, I didn’t I just went on and said Yes, she is. Really, I would never be that rude to her. My girls all call her maw maw and have since they were born. she just hasn’t really been in our lives for about 5 years. And she always says some really off the way stuff anyway and doesn’t think before she speaks. So, I forgave her. Or maybe I didn’t at this point I have no idea. It is still tearing at my heart, so, I guess I didn’t but, the thought was there for a moment.

I realized today that it had been days since I looked at JT’s pic on the wall. The clock is right next to it and I avoided it. I have been looking on the microwave or the computer or asking the girls what time it is. I guess avoidance is my middle name.

I am sorry to lay this on anyone that reads this. I just needed to get it out. And writing is so much easier for me than talking. I talk so much more better than I write. Well, most of the time anyway.

I love you and miss you Bubba!!!

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3 Responses

  1. Hi Bobbie….thanks for the comment on my site. I miss you, girlfriend!
    I can’t even tell you how much I feel for you. I’ve never gone thru what you’re going thru and I can’t imagine the pain you go thru daily. Don’t stop writing about it. It’s good for you. I’m so glad you have your friend Stacy. She sounds like a rock. How wonderful she will go to the meeting with you and sit there and stay with you. She sounds awesome. Please just give her a hug for me and tell her I said “thanks for taking care of Bobbie”. 🙂

  2. Ditto what Tam said.
    Remember we’re here for you. Also while I’d lay odds (except I too do the “right” thing and don’t gamble) that you’ll never do some of the stuff you’ve written. But there is One you can just be yourself with. You can rant and rave, yell and scream, to not be strong for. Let Him be a rock for you. Allow Him to know what’s deep in your heart. He can handle all of it and He’ll love you.

    You do need to get it out and there’s no one like Him to do that with.

    (((((Bobbie))))) and (((((Stacy)))))

  3. Thanks you two.

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