WE Survived

Yep, you read it. We survived. It was hard and it wasn’t easy but, we survived. We all got to tell our story and it was hard talking and listening. As we listened we found out that some of the crazy things that we have thought or done are just normal. We didn’t leave. I wanted to so bad a couple of times. I am not a cryer in front of people. I tried so hard not to, but, well, it was inevitable.

I have talked about my fear before of while I wasn’t there that Johnathan just layed there and no one payed any attention to him. Well, one of the ladies there lost her son in April. He was in the NICU. I vaguley remember her. But, she said whenever she walked by he was smiling and playing with his toys and nurses where around him and he was just so happy. I really needed to hear that. I thanked her and it made me so happy inside to hear that. She just went on and on about how he was so happy and his chubby cheeks. Yep, that was my boy. I am kinda grateful once in a while that he was in the corner because to get into the nursing room you had to pass him and I know alot of people couldn’t resist saying hi and he loved that. But, on the other hand there wasn’t much privacy for us while we were visiting. Not that there really was much in the first place. lol.

That really made me mad the day that he died. People were walking by to go pump and it just interrupted our last little time. Plus, one little girl. Well, she wasn’t llittle just young almost got cussed out because she couldn’t stop staring and I know it wasn’t her fault. I probably would have given that same look if I had been in that situation. At the time though I wasn’t thinking rationally and well, she almost got a dose of all the hurt and anger and frustration that I was feeling at the moment. I know she’ll never know it but, I apologize to her everytime that I think of that moment.

We talked about go into their bedrooms after they were born. Well, that hospital was his house. It hurt so bad. It hurt so bad knowing that we were right across from the courtyard. Where we took him outside and had the greatest time. But, I needed to do this. I don’t think that I can bring myself to ever go back up to the NICU because that was his bedroom. You can feel him in that hospital. Sounds weird. But, I could feel him.

We drove past his window to get to the parking lot and I almost got upset because I didn’t think that I could see his window because they are building a parking lot. I kept saying that I didn’t want to see the window but, I knew that I did. I was messing with Stacy when we left and said look there is JT in the window. lol. She didn’t look and I know I sure didn’t I scared myself. We got a big laugh at that.

All in all we heard different stories that were different from our, but, like ours. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but, we found out that yeah, even us being as crazy as we think that we are. WE are just normal.

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2 Responses

  1. You are normal, Bobbie. Not Applie normal (who is 😉 ) but normal for the rest of us. I’m glad that you went last night. That was a big step for you.

    How is your hubby doing with all of this? do you two talk about JT or how you are feeling?

    (((Bobbie)))

  2. He is doing the man thing about dealing with this. I feel like I can’t talk about him around him but, I do. He just ignores it. We got in this horrific argument about a month ago that started out about timmy and his responsibilities and ended up about JT. He told me that he couldn’t just stop and think about it because then he wouldn’t be able to function. So, I guess he is just dealing with what happened the only way that he knows how to. Which is to not deal with it. But, I dont’ know what is in his head or his heart because I am not him. It just feels to me like he isn’t dealing with it, because he isn’t dealing with it like I am. I give him his space, but, I don’t let him get away with not remembering that he had a son.

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