grief group I accidentally put this in the wrong blog…

grief group I accidentally put this in the wrong blog…
Posted October 25, 2007 by Bobbie Poling
Categories: Uncategorized

This was supposed to go here it is from October 25th. Hopefully I can get it switched to the right one. lol.

Well, last night was our 3rd week. We have been enjoying it. Is that weird or what?? I don’t like getting there but, once that I am there I enjoy it. You can see the love everyone has for all of their children. It is awesome. Just to see them talking about their children gives me some comfort. This is a place where I can talk about Johnathan all that I want to and noone stops me. I am going to be sad next week at our last one. I am learning some things and I enjoy that too. I also have learned that just because I don’t think what someone is doing is not right for me, doesn’t mean that they are wrong for doing it for them. I really respect them for doing the things that help them get through things the way that they know how to.

We talked about Retta. I told them my dream. I don’t think that I have let you all in on my dream. Try as I might. I couldn’t go to the funeral. Well, Sunday afternoon, I fell asleep and had this really vivid dream. I dreamt I was in the NICU sitting by this baby. Have no clue if the baby was a boy or a girl. Just knew the baby was mine. And I was so tired from sitting there. So, Stacy and I went up to the nurses station and asked them if we could get into the Ronald McDonald House. She said it would cost .37 cents to get in there since it was after 9:00. So, she said she would call as soon as she gets the light bulb fixed. Don’t you know she climbed right on top of that desk and changed it?? How odd. Well, next think I know I am sitting on MY couch in the NICU. I thought that was weird, but, Retta was sitting next to me saying it is ok. Everything is going to be ok, I understand. Then Stacy comes up to me and says Well, we can’t get in the Ronald McDonald House now, only handicapped people after 9. So, I have to give her back the 37 cents. Then I woke up. I said my Good bye to Retta. I didn’t feel as bad for not going to the funeral. But, I still think I should have gone. I am just not ready to go to a funeral yet.
I think that somehow I was being comforted in the fact that I could say bye with out being there. I just got really upset after that dream though. How can I dream about Retta, and it be real to life I mean I felt like I was there and this was real, but, I can’t dream about Johnathan. It doesn’t seem fair. But, there you go. I look into my crazy mind. Hope you all enjoyed it. lol

Tired

I have been so tired lately, but, today, I laid down and took an hour and a half nap. I would’ve been asleep longer if I hadn’t of been woken up by the phone and my child shoving it in my face like it was some one really important calling me. Of course it was one of those 800 numbers, and now my lovely nap has diappeared into thin air. Poof! gone just like that.

Oh well, I have the Y program to go to in a few and I had been getting dinner fixed early and well, that is off. I don’t even remember how long it takes to make meatloaf anyway. My brain is to fuzzy for such complicated things at the moment. Hubby is going to have to take care of that.

My lovely daughter cleaned my room last night. Let me tell you it was a mess and has been for some time. Why lie about it you know. I was crawling over stuff to get into it. I got up and tripped this morning over my own foot. I look at it and think is this my room? She did a great job, but, that gave me a lot of laundry. The laundry I was in denial about. Now I have to do it because she dumped it all in front of the washer which just so happens to be in my kitchen. But, at least it is in front of me so that I have more of a chance of getting it done. She is a complainer too. What is this doing in here? Who told you you could bring cups up here? You know these need to stay down stairs there is no eating or drinking upstairs. So, here is where all the towels went. My goodness she sounded like me. And My hubby all mixed together. And my goodness if we sound like that I think I would never come out of my room. Talk about a nag. lol.

I am procrastinating again. I have to go do this workout stuff and I am just not up to it at the moment. I think I would do better if it was in the morning. This evening stuff is for the birds. And tonight is the obstical course. 10 push ups 10 crunches 10 jumping jacks. You get the picture.

I just had to stressful of a day at school. But, I did sit in on Stacey’s math class and had a great time. I even learned how to do some math and I am not joking. Seriously, math is not my best subject and they have new math out and well, let’s just say tonight I helped her with her homework and actually knew what I was doing. It was awesome. I am going back tomorrow and Stacey doesn’t mind one bit. She actually liked me being in there.

Oh man, I just got back from the YMCA program we played basketball and we won. Oh yeah. I made baskets. Oh yeah.

Anyway that was my day.

Good Night everyone!!

The last couple of days

I tell ya the last couple of days have been crazy. I lost a week and thought that it was the week of the 2nd. I thought secret santa at school was this week. And the executive meeting was Monday night. But, all of that is next week. Thank Goodness. Stacey had a dentist appointment yesterday. One of many that she has had for about two months now and she still has one more. The anesthesia made her sick and they pinched her tongue and she is in a lot of pain. I gave her pain meds but, that isn’t helping. And she is just sitting around moaning. I can’t blame her though I would be too.

Ashley is doing good with school. She gets it done now, and I don’t have to yell at her so much. She has a sore throat and thinks she has strep. I told her she was just being a hypochondriac. But, if it doesn’t get better in a couple of days I will take her to the docs.

Harley is just Harley, what can I say. Stubborn, rotting, but, ya gotta love her. lol. And let me tell you this. Her and Stacey both got Terrific Kid at school. They are on R and they got it for being respectful. My kids can you imagine it? Respectful. That is so nice.

Mikayla is being Mikayla. She has this new thing she is doing that if she doesn’t want to do something, she will say she can’t walk. She absolutely loves Dora to my dismay. But, she is learning stuff from her so, I guess that I can’t complain.

Mike is just Mike, he hurt his back at work last night and came home and went to bed. I really didn’t see him at all. I think he is working through some stuff. We had counseling together a couple of weeks ago and since then he has been a little grumpy so, I am giving him his space. I think that he needs it.

I am almost done with my novel but, I don’t think that I am going to finish it before the end of November. Wait, let me re say that. I am almost to 50,000 words. Because it is going to take more than that to finish it.

Next week is going to be hectic with getting ready for secret santa and cookie dough coming in. I hope I make it through. lol. I know I will. Just the dread of it coming up.

We are also going to a memorial service they do every year at the Nutter Center for people that have lost children. you get to set up stuff and share your child. Mike, Mikayla and I are going. The girls are going with their dad to see A garfield Christmas. This is on Sunday. Oh joy so, next week is really, really, busy.

Hope every one has a wonderful and blessed day and week.

Thanksgiving day!!

Well, today was the day for us. We had lots of great stuff and we turned the phones off. I even put a little message on there to let everyone know that we wouldn’t be answering the phone. Didn’t stop a few people, but, hey I didn’t hear it so, I don’t care. lol

We all cooked together in the kitchen. Stacey was having so much fun. I finally had to let her leave something for somebody else to do. She kept hogging it all. Everything turned out great. Nothing was burned, nothing was undercooked. Which is amazing in itself. Because I always mess something up. The dinner rolls weren’t even burned. Can you imagine that?? I can’t.

We all went around and told what we were thankful for and that was some real eye openers. Stacey was joking and said that she was thankful for Bratz, which made Mikalya thankful for Dora and well, it got really goofy. I loved it.

Then we layed around and watched season 3 of House. We love that show. The things they come up with I tell ya. It is just totally crazy but, in the end it makes sense some how or another. And House and his grumpy sarcastic self just makes the show. I didn’t get to see any of the shows last season so, I am catching up now even though I am watching the recent ones. At least now I know what happened.

All in all it was a great day.

so, that was my Thanksgiving. Finally as the kids would say they just couldn’t wait for all the food.

Thanksgiving

First off let me say Happy Thanksgiving.

As I sit here just enjoying my time with my crazy family, I began thinking. What would I do with out them. They are a crazy lot I tell ya. Me included. I have the want to be in charge let me take over everything because I can do it better than anyone else even if it is all wrong.
The moody sometimes depressed with an awesome sense of humor.
The whiny smart alec who is stuck to me like glue.
The rambuctious 2 year old who is trying to be independant and mimicks all around her.

I mean what more could I ask for. They bring me joy they bring me strife, they make me worry, they make me laugh.

Then there is my hubby who for the life of me I just love to death and makes me laugh and worry and angry and all the in between.

But, you know what, that is what makes up life. Without all that we would all be stuck in a rut.
Someone once explained to me that faith and walking in Christ is like a moving stream. To keep learning and living you have to be moving. Because when you are stuck in your faith in one spot, the water grows stagnant. You have to keep achieving for more.

So, on this Thanksgiving day, I am thankful for my family, my friends, my faith and the fact that Jesus died for my sins so that I may have eternal life. I am also thankful for the hardships that I have had to endure. I have been beaten down and by the grace of God and my faith have managed every time to come back up again. And believe me I have had lots of tragedy in my life. Some that I never should have lived through. But, I have. I have always had faith and trust in God. Because no matter what I was going through he was a constant in my life. He was the one that carried me through.

Even through my latest hardship. I felt him there the whole time. I seen miracle after miracle happen and my prayers where answered in whole.

We sometimes only call to God in our hard times. We only call to him when things don’t go our way or are rough. I need to learn to lean on him in the good times also.

So, for my life, all of it and everything it entails. I am thankful.

A quiz

What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com
You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavly by John Wesley and the Methodists.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

79%

Fundamentalist

57%

Classical Liberal

54%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

50%

Reformed Evangelical

46%

Neo orthodox

46%

Modern Liberal

36%

Emergent/Postmodern

36%

Roman Catholic

36%

I borrowed this from Elaine who borrowed this from Birdy.

Writing a book.

Well, I never thought that it would be so emotional writing about our journey in the NICU. I had to stop for a few days and just let it be. I feel sometimes like I am reliving it and my counselor said that happens and to do this is part of my healing. I am reliving it and being his memory keeper. I am keeping his memory alive the way that I know how to. He way to keep her son’s memory alive was to become a counselor but, it took her many years to do so. I know it will the healing process will take a long time. I am ony 5months 2 weeks and 5 days into it. It still feels like yesterday. But, this book is helping and I hope if it goes far enough to get done that it will help others too.

I am doing a lot of research and trying to put his conditions that he had into terms that everyday people will understand. Not the doctor jargon that I learned to understand. I really wish that there was someone there to help me understand better at first what a fistula was or NEC or just the medication and his IV nutrition. So, in doing this, I hope to break it down into everyday language.

Putting it down on paper helps me to know that it happened also, sometimes I think it was just a hallucination or a dream. did it really happen? It happened so fast. I think sometimes they lied to me and he is still up there. I am told this is normal. I hope so otherwise they need to break out the good drugs for me. lol.

On another note, Timmy had hernia surgery and is doing good. He is still here from this weekend and I can’t keep the boy sitting. He keeps trying to scare me and jump around and try to wrestle. I wanna smack him in the head. No not really but, I think a sedetive might be nice for him not for me. he he.

I have had a terrible cough for about 2 weeks now and I think it is about time to go to the doctor. It is keeping me from sleeping at night and I have become rather grouchy and I don’t think my people’s in this house are enjoying it. I know I am not.

I found this song circle of friends on one of my dy friends blogs. I love it absolutely. I miss the DY board. I keep trying to go to it. about as many times as I try to call the hospital. Keeping up on the blogs just isn’t the same.

Well, to all my dyers, I miss ya!!!

That poem down there.

I want to explain the poem some. I got it in grief group. I identify with alot of it. I am angry and I am bitter. Johnathan was buried in his easter outfit and I didn’t expect to bury him in it when i bought it. And people just think that I am suppose to move on and that isn’t to happen. Yes, I’ll go on, I won’t move on. because he was/is my son. I will think about him every day of my life. I sacrafice so much for him while he was here, that when he left us, I felt that my life had no purpose. I was walking around not knowing how to fit back into my household. Unable to do such things as know if it was ok for my kids to go somewhere because new rules were established while I was away. To not knowing how to run my house because I hadn’t done it in 8 1/2 months. I am coming out of the fog. But, JT took a big chunk of my heart and my will to be the just go get em person that I used to be. I am working through that. I laugh, I love, I live, but, not the same way that I used to before he came along. I feel guilty, I feel peace, I feel, content in the decisions that I made. I long to hold him again, I probably always will. Some people won’t talk to me now or feel uncomfortable talking to me because of losing him. I am now the mother whose son died. I used to be the mother of the Lockwood girls. Now, I carry a different name. It is hard to live with knowing that when people see you they see a mother that lost a baby. Not a mother who had a son, who she loved. I am a constant reminder of the ugly that can happen in this world. Because we all know that isn’t supposed to happen. But, it does and it happened to me. I live with it everyday, I don’t expect everyone else to have to feel uncomfortable about talking to me or even looking at me because it happened. And I don’t like the feeling of is she or he looking at me and walking the other way because they are afraid I might mention the words dead baby??

Stacy will tell you until recently I will not bring up the subject except to her, or on my blog. Until recently part involves talking at the grief group. When I need to talk about Johnathan I usually go here and write about it or I go to her. She has my memories of him. She is someone that I talk with about him and I know I will never get the uncomfortable feeling of she doesn’t want to hear about him because I am his mother.

Last night I did say something inappropriate, I hope the lady didn’t catch it, but, she was making goody bags for the kids we went to a Fall Festival sponsored by a church. It was really nice, this being their first year doing it. Somethings didn’t get set up and such, but, we had fun. With our children. It was nice. But, we had the kids line up and she was making goody bags and it was Stacy’s two girls and 3 of mine and the lady said and she was really sounding kinda rude about it to me any way, “Doesn’t anyone make boys any more?” I said yeah, but, he didn’t last that long. Ok, rude of me I know but, she just kept on going and Stacy and I even think her hubby doodle jumped in and said oh yeah we have a boy he just went home. I know the lady was stressed because things didn’t go exactly how she wanted them to but, that is to be expected. She just hit a nerve with me. I think I might call her and let her know that it was my rudeness and I am sorry. Because I really need to watch what I say. Everyone around me knows sometimes I start spouting off things and well, sometimes my mouth works faster than my mind. That is something that I need to work on. I know it I recognize it and I think that I need to start making myself accountable for it.

But, that poem just had so many things in it that identify with. Yes, I do have other children at home, some would say alot too many, blah blah blah, but, my family will never be complete again because we have lost one. And we all know that and I am working on getting up where we need to be to heal. Some are harder than others but, as long as we are working on it and not ignoring it, I feel that we will go on. Go on knowing that he enriched our lives and taught us things that maybe we needed to be taught. Needed to learn about ourselves no matter how hard it was when he left us and went home. Sometimes I am mad not at him but at the situation that he left us in. All the love we feel for him has no place to go. He is not here to give it to. And that makes me sad. Well, enough of the down drearieness. I just wanted to explain why I felt the poem pertained to me and I have turned it into a book. For everyone that has made it this far. Thank you.

A Poem

Here is a poem that I got from grief group. I absolutely love it. It is an angry poem but, it says what I feel. I did change the word daughter to son. but, that is all that has been changed.

THE UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS

Damn Right I’m Bitter! Damn Right I’m Angry

I heard through the grape vine that you think I’m bitter!!
Damn Right I am bitter!
I heard that you wonder if I’m not “Stuck” in the angry stage of grief.
Damn right I’m angry!
It’s only been a few months. Who gave you the right to decide how long I should
grieve?

My beautiful son is dead.
Not out on a visit to Grandma’s
Not off to school for a day.
DEAD.

I didn’t pick out his Easter outfit with the intention of burying him in it.
I didn’t bathe his little body and brush his hair knowing it was to be
my last chance to touch his warmth, never imagining the next
touch would be of a cold, hard, unmoving little boy.

Damn right i’m bitter!
Damn right I’m angry!

You have no right to judge me
Believe me, you have no idea of what I’m trying to live through.
If I make you incomforatagble, believe me, you return the feeling.
You go home to your healthy, living children and wonder how I can
act this way.
You go home to your normal life, while I go home to face a live
without my son.
The rug has been jerked out from under me
My network of faith, of religion, seems to have collapsed under me,
with no safety net.
I am fumbling in a foreign life, grasping for something that will help
this make sense.

You leave our meeting, rushing to take your children from the
nursery to playschool.
You talk about the about he hassle of finding time to get your kids’ Christmas
outfits bought, their Christmas pictures taken, the expense of gifts.
I leave empty-armed, no hassles for me, except to return to my quiet
empty home….alone.
No gift expenses for me, except funereal and the pruchase of a plot of
ground to place my baby in.
No big Christmas outfit decisions, only decisions for the heastone that
is supposed to express out love for our dead son.

So….you think I’m bitter?
You think I’m angry?
Damn right I’m bitter!
Damn right I’m angry!

Who Better?

Mary Von Bockem, whose daughter Catie, died at age three. 1966

Feeling, nothing more than feelings.

Do you remember that song? I have absolutely no idea who sings it but, it was stuck in my head. la la la.
For the past few days I have been so sick, I don’t know whether I am coming or going. My almost youngest Stacey woke up with a really high temp and she slept till about 1:00. I kept checking on her. She was still breathing, so all was good.

But, anyhoo, I am writing a book. Been working on it for a while. I was just writing about JT’s NEC (Necrotizing Entercolitis), surgery. Man, Oh man does that bring back such deep emotions. I felt terrified writing about it even though I know he came through it like a champ. Just like he did everything he did. But, my stomach is all crampy and just thinking about it made my heart skip a beat or two. And I even had some anger because of the doctor tell me my choices. We could do something about it or we could just let nature take it’s course. Like I wouldn’t give him every chance available. Boy oh Boy let me tell you I was really angry at that doc. But, he had to let me know my choices. I do believe I asked him if he was out of his mind. I was really scared at moving him to children’s because we started out in Miami Valley. I know someone at church that works at children’s and at the time she told me that he was better off at Miami Valley because they could do better things with babies as small as he was. But, I found out they are absolutely fantabulous with babies any size. But, you know people have their opinions and well, sometimes they can scare the beegees out of some one. But, anyway, I wouldn’t trade my time at Dayton Children’s for anything. It was a blessing that we were moved there.

Wednesday was our last grief group. Mary Ann and Charlotte both told me that everyone said hi from up there and that they had heard many stories of JT and all his antics. I really felt sad that it was over. We laughed so hard that last session. Can you imagine laughing at grief group???? Yeah, I felt the same why. How in the same hill do you laugh at grief group?? Well, we shared some really funny stories or, should I say that one of the participants did and had me laughing so hard I was crying. It felt really good to laugh like that. I haven’t done it in a while.

I still won’t go up to the 4th floor. My counselor told me that when I could go up there that would mean that I was healing. I don’t believe her. I don’t cry in front of people very well. But, she also said not to expect to go up there with out crying. blah, blah, blah, at this point. I heard her but, I am filing it away at the moment.

Ok, I am a skipper of subjects sometimes I write like I talk. I go here and there and back to here. Sorry.

The cookie dough sale at school kicked off today. Oohhh la la. I really dont’ feel like dealing with it, but I am. I got stuff done. Oh yeah, it is done for today. I imagine Monday is going to be bad because everyone and their great grandma is going to be sending in permission slips. I really don’t like that part. Running here running there. Making sure I have the list upto date. Not much fun. But, as with anything, I’ll get through it. lol.

Well, there is my lengthy somewhat jumbled all over the place update on what I have been doing.