That poem down there.

I want to explain the poem some. I got it in grief group. I identify with alot of it. I am angry and I am bitter. Johnathan was buried in his easter outfit and I didn’t expect to bury him in it when i bought it. And people just think that I am suppose to move on and that isn’t to happen. Yes, I’ll go on, I won’t move on. because he was/is my son. I will think about him every day of my life. I sacrafice so much for him while he was here, that when he left us, I felt that my life had no purpose. I was walking around not knowing how to fit back into my household. Unable to do such things as know if it was ok for my kids to go somewhere because new rules were established while I was away. To not knowing how to run my house because I hadn’t done it in 8 1/2 months. I am coming out of the fog. But, JT took a big chunk of my heart and my will to be the just go get em person that I used to be. I am working through that. I laugh, I love, I live, but, not the same way that I used to before he came along. I feel guilty, I feel peace, I feel, content in the decisions that I made. I long to hold him again, I probably always will. Some people won’t talk to me now or feel uncomfortable talking to me because of losing him. I am now the mother whose son died. I used to be the mother of the Lockwood girls. Now, I carry a different name. It is hard to live with knowing that when people see you they see a mother that lost a baby. Not a mother who had a son, who she loved. I am a constant reminder of the ugly that can happen in this world. Because we all know that isn’t supposed to happen. But, it does and it happened to me. I live with it everyday, I don’t expect everyone else to have to feel uncomfortable about talking to me or even looking at me because it happened. And I don’t like the feeling of is she or he looking at me and walking the other way because they are afraid I might mention the words dead baby??

Stacy will tell you until recently I will not bring up the subject except to her, or on my blog. Until recently part involves talking at the grief group. When I need to talk about Johnathan I usually go here and write about it or I go to her. She has my memories of him. She is someone that I talk with about him and I know I will never get the uncomfortable feeling of she doesn’t want to hear about him because I am his mother.

Last night I did say something inappropriate, I hope the lady didn’t catch it, but, she was making goody bags for the kids we went to a Fall Festival sponsored by a church. It was really nice, this being their first year doing it. Somethings didn’t get set up and such, but, we had fun. With our children. It was nice. But, we had the kids line up and she was making goody bags and it was Stacy’s two girls and 3 of mine and the lady said and she was really sounding kinda rude about it to me any way, “Doesn’t anyone make boys any more?” I said yeah, but, he didn’t last that long. Ok, rude of me I know but, she just kept on going and Stacy and I even think her hubby doodle jumped in and said oh yeah we have a boy he just went home. I know the lady was stressed because things didn’t go exactly how she wanted them to but, that is to be expected. She just hit a nerve with me. I think I might call her and let her know that it was my rudeness and I am sorry. Because I really need to watch what I say. Everyone around me knows sometimes I start spouting off things and well, sometimes my mouth works faster than my mind. That is something that I need to work on. I know it I recognize it and I think that I need to start making myself accountable for it.

But, that poem just had so many things in it that identify with. Yes, I do have other children at home, some would say alot too many, blah blah blah, but, my family will never be complete again because we have lost one. And we all know that and I am working on getting up where we need to be to heal. Some are harder than others but, as long as we are working on it and not ignoring it, I feel that we will go on. Go on knowing that he enriched our lives and taught us things that maybe we needed to be taught. Needed to learn about ourselves no matter how hard it was when he left us and went home. Sometimes I am mad not at him but at the situation that he left us in. All the love we feel for him has no place to go. He is not here to give it to. And that makes me sad. Well, enough of the down drearieness. I just wanted to explain why I felt the poem pertained to me and I have turned it into a book. For everyone that has made it this far. Thank you.

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One Response

  1. (((Bobbie)))
    Just keep posting here. You are helping to keep me grounded. Life is hard but sometimes I need to remember that others have it harder.

    Praying for you today.

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