Looking back and forward.

I was reading another blog and well, it made me realize things. Go figure me, realize something. lol. Don’t laugh to hard (Stacy).

I have most of my life felt as though I haven’t belonged anywhere. I was in a lot of foster homes starting at a really young age. My mother was what today they probably call, high functioning but, with a handicap. She was slow. She was normal until about the age of 9. My grandmother decided to try and kill all of them and gave them all my aunt and uncle included valium overdose. She made my mom hand them out and tell them they were candy. They all survived my grandmother included but, it gave them all some brain damage. At least that is the story I was told. My Grandmother told me this one day when I was about 6. She was mentally insane and I am trying to be nice here. She was apologizing to me for killing my mothers mind and spirit. She said she was so bright before that. Never came home with less than an A and was gifted in so many things. After she gave them the pills my mom turned into someone who couldn’t even use the least possible common sense that God gave someone. Her words not mine. And she said it was all her fault. My grandmothers that is.

So, fast forward a couple of years. Our house burned down and that was the beginning of the end. We got taken away. I lived in several different foster homes, A residential center, been to juvie a few bunch a times and a group home.

All this started at an early age. I became one of those kids. I was into drugs, drinking, a gang for a while, you name it that was me.

I was looking at my children thinking. When I was 10, 11, 13 where was I? I have been really down and depressed about the fact that our Christmas is going to plain old suck. Don’t know how else to explain it. But, here is the but. When I was going through all the foster homes and such and barely had a Christmas. I went years without gifts for Christmas’ or birthday’s. No family, all alone.

They have a family. They are all together. They have structure. They have a routine. They have me. something I didn’t have when I was growing up. They don’t know what it is like to feel the way I did. Which is what I wanted for my children. I wanted to raise my children. Not strangers. I was so afraid that history would repeat itself. That they would all be taken from me by now and nope.

By the time I was ashley’s age, I had taken drugs drank, ranaway, slept on the streets, been involved in other things. Skipped school. None of these things have happened to her. Well, she did runaway when she was about 4 for about 10 minutes. She came back because she had to use the bathroom but, I don’t think we’ll count that.

I am very blessed with what children I got. That sounds funny, but, I could’ve gotten one of those children that I see at school all the time. disrespectful, always in fights. I can deal with a little sass here and there towards me. But, with people like teachers and other adults they are repectful, they are not a behavior problem. I love them all and all of their little idosychrosies. I couldn’t imagine life without them. Yeah, I would get rest, I would be able to take a bath with out the door flying open and one of them tattling or fighting oh the fights. 4 girls is totally scary at this age. Because they can really whoop on each other. But, that is all in growing up.

I guess I started this to say that i am looking forward to the next years. Knowing that they will be with me. They will know what it means to belong to a family. They don’t have to worry about anything except maybe what to wear how to do their hair. If this boy likes them. NORMAL things in life. I had to worry about the abnormal.

My kids are blessing that I never thought I would have!

Thanks for reading my book. lol

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2 Responses

  1. (((((Bobbie))))))

  2. Thank God you are breaking a cycle of abuse. Your going to be able to set up new family values and family traditions. I’m glad you are able to value what is most important in life. Maybe you could make a Christmas craft or a decoration.
    Have a wonderful week.

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