I have been thinking for weeks and weeks about stuff. Yes, this is about Johnathan, just to warn you.

I just here lately have been able to process a lot of things and my sometimes manic thinking from that time. He has been gone now for a little over 8 months. I remember thinking through out it all. God has a plan. And I told God what that plan was. I said God, I have read this somewhere before in the bible. I told him all about Abraham and Isaac and saying I know what you are doing you are trying to find out if I am faithful enough to you. This is a test Lord, and I am going to pass it. JT was yours long before he was mine. He is yours, everything about him is yours. I am offering him to you and I know you will do your WILL. I just knew that at the ninth hour JT would be healed. I just knew it. You couldn’t tell me no different. Well, then came the day that my life came crashing down and it was about 2 days before he past away. I just sat there praying before I went to bed well, more like talking but, that is what praying is. And I just knew in my heart that God’s plan for JT was to go home with him. Not me his mother. The person God chose to take give birth to him. I was sooooooo mad. So, I told God. Mind you there is alot of telling God about me. Which, gets you no where I might add. You don’t let him suffer anymore. I said God I can see it in his eyes. I can see that he is tired. No matter how much he smiles and just seems content, I can see in his eyes that he is so tired. Just please God let me be there so that I can say goodbye and hold his hand and get him through this. Purely selfish reasons why I wanted to be with him. But, I am human. I know that if he passed away before I got there I know he wasn’t alone because his Heavenly Father would lead him home. But, it was just something that I needed to be able to do. and I do believe not because of my demanding nature that I plead with God to let me be there but, because he loves me that he allowed me to be a witness to his passing on to his new home. And yes, it was a hard, heartwrenching moment when I knew my little boy was gone, but, it was also a time to celebrate. Celebrate in the fact that he was free and whole and healed and riding on the shoulders of our Heavenly Father. It didn’t take away the hurt and the anger because oh yes, I had a lot of that. and I still do, but, it helped me to know that someone better than me his mother had him now. If any of you could have seen the smile on his face when he left us you would understand that there is a God out there.

I can understand now what it must have been like for God to send us his son, to die for us. Mere sinners. People who didn’t deserve to eat off of his shoes to save us so that we can live in his glory and his love and his righteousness forever. How much it must have hurt him to see him strung up on that cross and beaten, for all to see. I guess it took losing my son to see what a sacrifice that is.

Believe me I had faith before this happened. I was a believer I was trying to live the life God would want me too. But, it all boils down to the fact that I AM a sinner. But, I AM a child of GOD and I choose to be a believer in the faith. Something that has rich rewards in the next life. Because of the sacrifice and the blood shed for me.

Because of my son I can see clearer, I can hear God’s word clearer. I know that even though I am a sinner, with him all things are possible.

God, needed JT to be sent here for a time for some reason. I might not never know that reason, but, I do know that he didn’t take him because he didn’t love me or JT but, because he does love us.

I remember after JT died, I just wanted to lay down and die so that I could just see him and hold him and smell him again. I felt this way until a couple of months ago. Now, I don’t so much want to die. I just want to hold him again. I never really understood the whole my arms ached so bad to hold my baby. I never understood that until now. Because they do ache. They ache to hold a little boy that graced us with his love, but for a few months.

I know that ache will probably never go away. I will probably feel it forever. I can live with that knowing that when I am called home I can hold him again.

I don’t know where this post is going anymore. I guess I just needed to write and that is what I did.
I really went way off from what I wanted to say but, I guess what I did say is what was meant to be said.

Thanks for reading.

Starting FAST again

Well, me and Harley are going to be starting FAST again. what FAST is, is a program called Families And Schools Together. I have been through the program a few times. I love the program, for the most part. But, I and Stacy (friend), decided that we needed something to help us get closer to our children that well, we don’t connect with all the time. And let’s face it, me and Harley well, there isn’t alot of connecting going on there. So, we are going through it with just those children. Noone else the other kids get to hang out at home. lol.

Here is a normal evening at FAST. We all get together and get seated at our table. While we wait for time for dinner to be served, we play games or do activities with our family. In this case Harley will be stuck with me. lol. This can be drawing, doing a puzzle, coloring, feeling charades, numerous things. Then we do FAST hellos. Which you introduce your family, then everyone goes Hello Poling/Lockwood family, and then this is the fun part. We all yell, Hello FAST families. We like to make a competition out of it and see who can yell the loudest. Unfortunately this time, I think we are going to be lacking because well, I am down 4 kids and a husband. But, that is ok.
Then comes a song or two, which are all Fast related, which is family related songs. Some of them are funny some are just songs. lol

Then comes the food part. Miss Henry says a prayer and then, you get to pick one of your children to serve you the food. Yes, folks, parents get served first. Can you believe it???? Then the children are served their food. We eat for a while and then the children get split into their age appropriate groups and then us parents get to go to parent group while the children are off making crafts and being their ornery selves.

In parent groups we talk about a subject like oh how to deal with having a smooth morning before school. Ok, that was no big deal for me. But, other people have smaller children and they have to help them do that whole get dressed thing. Actually we talk about bigger issues than that. We talk about things like bad influences on our children. How do we deal with children who are having a rough time of it. Usuallly something that someone is going through there is someone there who has been through it and can offer a bit of advice or support. We play ice breakers, we have to say positive things about ourselves. And boy oh boy that isn’t easy.

Then we have buddy time. This is where we pair up with a parent and spend 7 minutes each just venting about our day our child or just anything and the other person has to listen to you and not interupt you and just let you have at it. Then it is the other person’s turn.

Then we have special play time. This is when they bring back one child of yours that you have chosen as the special play child. You spend 15 minutes doing child led play. You let the child tell you what to do and this is your special time. You can’t interrupt them and say do it this way. Nope, not allowed and you jsut don’t realize until yoiu do it just how hard that is.

After special play then it is off to the big circle. We all make a circle and then the raffle is drawn to see what family gets the basket. This is a wonderful laundry basket filled with 50.00 worth of stuff for your family, it is a mixture of games, books, toys, cleaning supplies, candles, etc….

Here is the catch, the family that wins the basket, (it is rigged so that every family wins), gets to cook dinner for everyone the next week. They supply the funds and the pans and then you just go to it.

All in all this is a really good program. You get to meet many people from your school that you may not have met before. Even being Booster president you don’t meet a lot of people at your school.

Actually the program is special to me because this is where I met my Bestest friend in the whole wide world, Stacy. A friendship started there that turned into a beautiful sistership. and she shared the most wonderful and heartwrenching time in my life and supported me through it I can never repay her for that. But, without going to FAST I never probably would have known her like I do now. And that my friends would be a tragedy.

Well, there it is people that is what FAST is.

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Cleaning all day!!

Ok, I am procrastinating. I should be cleaning. I shouldn’t have let those kids on X-box already but, I did. I told them the plan for today last night and well, haven’t really stuck to it. But, I will in a moment. lol.

Here is my list for today:

We are doing a Clean Sweep of sorts. Have you ever watched the show? I used to love watching it. But, no cable, so, I can’t do that anymore.

But, here we go:

Move everything out of the living room (exception is entertainment center)
clean baseboards and windowsils
do a quick shampooing.
clean off bookshelves.
clean out furniture
move furniture back

Dining Room
Move everything out
clean baseboards and window sills

quick shampooing
clean off desk and tables
move everything back

clean off all surfaces
clean out fridge
sort laundry and do at least 4 loads today (folded and put away) (I have a problem with the whole folding and putting a way part. lol)
quick shampooing

And voila my house should be clean for oh about 45 seconds after everything is clean.

So, let me stop my procrastination and get up off of here and get to it.

Everyone have a great day!!

Been Busy

Well, been busy. No time to do much of anything. Now, our little problem we had is solved, I have time to blog.

But, what to blog about. Nothing really interesting has happened lately. I watched Season 1 of Touched by An Angel. I love that show. I cried through every one of them. I need to clean the house but, do I want to? No.

I have been thinking about JT night and day. Nothing changed there.

The kids are all doing good.

Wow, I am boring.

I have nothing prophetic or even inspiring to say, except, make every day a good day and love as though there is no tomorrow. But, I think someone else said that first.

Well, until I can come up with something interesting. Have a great day all.

First day went great.

Well, we got off to a late start. But, it’s ok. It’s because of Stacy she called me and we talked for a loooonngggg time. I talk to her and forget what time it is. It is all her fault if she wouldn’t have decided to go away for her Anniversary then we wouldn’t have had to catch up. What’s more important here talking to me or going away with that old husband of hers. You would think the anniversaries would be old at this point in time. My goodness 9 years. Just kidding. But, really it is her fault. You know I love ya! Happy Anniversary late of course because I am never on time. lol.

I have no focus, ok, back to Mikayla. We read and learned about cows. She mooed all over the place. While she didn’t keep her clothes on for very long that is ok, because she ended up with marker all over her. Couldn’t get her clothes back on her for nothing. She always comes up with an excuse. It’s wet, it itches, don’t like it. It’ll take time so, not really concerned about it. Just a goal and we will conquer it.

We read her nursery rhyme. It is Hey Diddle Diddle.

We also did handprints and she colored them and I cut them out and posted them to her board. She loved that part, that is where the marker came in. And the glue. Oh boy she loved that part waaayyyy too much. lol.

Then we put everything up. She was kinda broken hearted but, I want her to pace herself and not get burned out on what we are doing.

Oh yeah, we did learn about cows and that milk comes from them and she said icky milk is icky. And for her yes, that is correct she is allergic to it. So, I changed it to lactaid and she was happy. Although I am not quite sure where lactaid comes from. I guess I should figure that out huh?

Today we are going to do the Letter A. We are going to do some tracing with flour since she decided to dump it on the counter last night. I just scooped it in a zippy bag and we are going to use that today. It is all about recycling. lol.

So, that was her first day. Hopefully most of them are as great and productive as yesterday.

Today we start

Mikayla starts her lessons this morning. I am so psyched I can’t wait. I have everything laid out that we need. It is going to be so much fun and she just can’t wait to do school.

She is going to get up in a little bit, eat, take her bath, get dressed and then it is on.

Our Theme this week is cows.

Today we are going to read a preschool devotion.
learn about cows and calfs.
Then we are going to read the book ClicK, clack, Moo Cows That Type. By Doreen Cronin.

I’ll see how she feels after that much. I don’t want to overload her. We might start on a shape or a letter. The shape for this week is square. We are going to look through the house and see what is shaped like a square. We are going to make a poster of all that she learns about this week and then I am going to laminate it and hang it up so that she can see it for reinforcement. So, I am all ready and raring to go!!

Now, if she will just wake up.

Oh our big goal for today and the whole week is keeping her clothes on. She likes to run around in her panties. So, we’ll see.

Have a great day all!!

March of Dimes WalkAmerica

As many of you know, Ok, everyone who reads this blog knows JT my son was born premature. 15 weeks. Prematurity is a cause close to my heart now. I have joined the ranks of many other mom’s and dad’s around the world who have had to deal with this. It isn’t fair, most of the time there is no reason for it it just happens. Many babies rally and grow and get the chance to go home and live full lives. Some with disablitlies, some with none. Some babies put up a great fight and no matter what they don’t make it. That is the harsh reality of prematurity and a reality I had to live through. March of Dimes is working to find a cure for prematurity. And I am supporting it. I will be walking in May to walk for a cure. I am asking that you help also. Whether it be to walk or to donate or to do both. It promises to be a great time for all and a great cause. All money collected goes to the local chapter to help fight this.

I don’t like to fund raise on my blog because well, it seems kinda tacky. But, for this I make an exception. Anyone joining us on our team, the Kenwood Boosters and walks the walk with us will receive t-shirts. You get a t-shirt with a pic of my son on it how cool is that? Well, I think it is but, hey that is me. lol. and besides he was just so darn cute how could you resist?

But, anyway here is the link to my page to join or team or to donate. Thanks so much for everything that all of you have done for my family. Please help other families so that they don’t have to live through what I did. JT was the most awesome special thing that ever happened to me. He gave me so much joy and my love for him just grew and grew. To this day I love him so much and always will. It nearly killed me when he went home to the Lord to play in the heavens until we meet again. That is what is keeping me going through all of this knowing that I WILL see him again. But, I want to help with this because that is the worst hurt and tragedy you could go through as a parent and I don’t want to see that happen to anyone. So, please help. Thank you.

March of Dimes WalkAmerica

don’t really have a title for this.

Well, we have been kicked out of our Booster Room at school. It is now a math tutoring room. We are lost at the moment with no place to go. We have stuff that we need to plan for and no place to go to plan that stuff. We have Get Movin Night coming up. This is where we explain the benefits of exercise and plan some active games to keep the family moving as a whole. Then we have Arts and Crafts night, with a Valentines theme in February. These are both Family Nights. But, with no place to go to talk about them I just don’t know what to do. I know the Secretary doesn’t want us just taking up the front office although we do that already. And going off site is not the answer because we want to be there during the day so that we can be around our children, so, that wouldn’t work. I tell ya. Just add another lostness to my life. lol.

I know it will work out in the end.

It feels good for once though to have to worry about something as small and inconsequential as this. Not a big catastrophy or something life threatening. Just an everyday adjustment. We’ll probably be able to meet on the stage which is no big deal. Or we were joking with the custodian Mr. Tim and told him we needed half of his desk so, he is going to have to share. He thought that was funny.

I kinda like the stage idea though because during lunch I can keep an eye on my kids and the “lunch lady” situation. Those poor kids have had silent lunch more this year than not and it is really annoying. And the sentences they have to write and she gives it to the whole class which I really don’t believe in. There is a core group of about 8 kids and if they are acting up which is for the most part every day then everyone is punished. I don’t believe in that. You shouldn’t punish the whole class for something you know that it is just so and so doing. Do they care the whole class has to do it? Nope they really don’t. They just need to separate those kids and put them at a different table all to themselves that is what I feel but, you know things just can not be that easy can they? Nope.

Plus, I can keep an eye on Harley she has decided she wants to act older than she is and get mouthy. I have news for her she is coming home, whether she likes it or not. If she can’t make the right choices than she is not mature enough to handle the responsibility of going to school. She knows right from wrong and knows what I expect from her. But, she “chooses” not to do it.

I was thinking of pulling her and putting her in a private school, but, nope, there would be the same choices there and she still would make the wrong ones. It is like she has bad crowd radar and affixes herself to them. So, I will be pulling her in March to be homeschooled. She has a camping trip coming up that she has worked really hard for and I don’t want her to miss it. The few bad kids she “hangs” with won’t be going so, I don’t have to worry about them there. But, as soon as she gets back she is cleaning out her desk and it will be adios for her. Then she is coming home and we are going to work on choices and values and what the heck is she thinking? Don’t get me wrong we will be working on that before she gets pulled but, oh yeah, it is on when I have her to myself all day.

I will not have a daughter that is disrespectful and who thinks that she is going to do this and do that and to heck with what everyone else thinks. Not going to happen. That and the boy thing. she wants to have a baby go figure is she nuts? I mean hey I can understand the need. It probably has to do with Johnathan, how she is handling his passing away, but, I am not going to stand back and watch her mess up her life and act like there is no problem. Because there is a problem a very big one and we are going to solve this one way or another.

Well, before I burn up this computer with my anger at the moment I will leave.

Hope everyone has a great day and if you have any insight or ideas been there done that let me know. Believe me I can use all the help I can get at the moment.

trying a link

Ok, let’s see if this will work.

This is the site I am using for Mikayla’s preschool lessons. Brightly Beaming

ok, now to check and see if this worked.

Yeah!!! It worked. Thanks Michielle!!! You are awesome!!!!