Been catching up.

Well, today is a snow day or should I say ice day. Everything is covered in ice and they cancelled school. So, I have had time to catch up reading blogs and stuff and realized that i haven’t written in mine for a few days.

I have been doing some heavy thinking lately about what I want to do with my life in the aspect of what I want to do to help other parents that have been in my situation and who are going through what I have and who will be going through what I have.

I don’t think that I am mentally ready yet to really do anything. Or emotionally for that fact but, it doesn’t stop me from making a plan. I have been praying consistently for direction and I know God is pointing me in the right direction.

JT has been gone for 8 1/2 months. The time that he spent on earth is the time that he has been gone today. The pain is still the the sadness is still there and yes there is still some anger there. I miss him like crazy. I doubt that will ever go away. I know that will never go away. Not until I see him again.

There were many times during the last months that i have just wanted to lay down go to sleep and never wake up. That is how bad the pain gets. But, I get a mental kick from God telling me that nope not gonna do it. You need to stay right where you are is what I hear. And I really don’t like it. I even asked if I could just visit Heaven for a few minutes so that I could make sure JT was ok. lol. How funny is that me asking God the creator of all creation if I could check on my baby. The one that created him is taking care of him and I don’t trust him to do it. I am really not a very trusting person, but, I think that I took that a little too far. I know he understands but, I really think I need to work on that. I put all my trust in him for the care of my son and what direction he took while here on earth and now he is with him in I don’t trust him. Makes absolutely no sense. I think it is just desparation to see JT. Just my human fallacies showing through.

I mean I trust God I trust him and Love him and can’t to meet him in person. I want to come before him and I want to hear well done good and faithful servant. I need to put my trust in him with everything not just certain aspects of this life and that is what I have to work on before the plan I see emerging for my life even thinks of surviving. So, that is what I will be working on.

Thanks for reading.

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One Response

  1. My heart breaks for your loss of JT. It sounds like God is working in y our life and giving you a mission to help others. That is incredible!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and for praying for my friend’s son, Daniel. He is out of surgery now – check my blog for updates.

    http://www.actionsspeakloudest.blogspot.com

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