How many children do I have…

I think people should ask how many children had you had. I hate answering that question. I don’t know how to answer it. Well, for one at any given moment I could have many children or I could have a couple. But, that is not the reason I detest answering that question. I got asked that question at FAST last night. I can’t really tell you what we were talking about because well, it is confidential. But, I just flew through it after I said I couldn’t answer it. Just about everyone knows Johnathan went home last year. I just ….. how do I answer that without including him. He is my son. He will always be my son. I have heard so many eloquent answers to that one. And I have been thinking about it since last night. Actually I have never stopped thinking about it. It has always been in the back of my mind. How do I include him in our family without making other people sad, or uncomfortable. And for another why should I care. Should everyone else’s feelings be more important than mine? I for the most part worry about other people’s feelings more than I should. Not saying that I don’t like to shock people once in a while but, for the most part, I have this innane sense to protect people from the ugly. And losing a child is about as ugly as it gets. Doesn’t matter how old they are. But, people are more willing to hear if you have lost a child and they were 25 or older as opposed to infancy thru childhood.

I really don’t think it is fair. I have to hide the fact that he lived. Sometimes it feels like I am denying God because he gave me this wonderful gift of a child. A miracle we watched beat a lot of odds. And I can’t rejoice in that. Just because people wouldn’t understand. I am to the point I don’t care if people would understand or not JT is my son. Just because he isn’t here doesn’t make him anyless mine, then if he was sleeping in the next room.

Johnathan passed away yes, but, that doesn’t mean my feelings and the love I felt for him ever will. I will always hold him in my heart and my heart is still broken in a million pieces. It has been 9 months 3 weeks and 5 days since we said see you later. And to this day I still a couple times a day, have such pain from grief that I can hardly breathe. I am only human, and I am a mother missing her son.

So, if you meet someone and want to know how many kids they have had. Ask them that. Don’t ask them how many kids they have. Let us answer truthfully.

I usually try to keep this blog about our days but, I have been forgetting one very important person. He helped me realize that yes, I do have faith. Not just for the big things but, for the little things also. He showed me that I am not alone, he taught me many things in his short life. I can’t keep denying that he lived so that other people can be comfortable. It just isn’t going to happen.

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4 Responses

  1. The man who did Jenna’s memorial service in SA has also lost a son. He said he used to dread that question too, but then he learned to say: I have 3 children. If people ask him what his kids do, he says: “Well one is in 9th grade and one is in college and one is in heaven with Jesus”.

    I haven’t had to answer that question yet, but he encouraged me to always say that I have 3 boys and a little girl. My sons will always have a little sister. She’s not here right now but she is still alive – with Jesus.

    (((((HUGS)))))

    It really doesn’t matter what others think and you are not responsible for keeping them comfortable.

    I know I am not responsible for keeping people comfortable but, that is just something about me that I do. Thanks Sumi.

  2. Bobbie, I think that you could say something like “I’ve got 6 with me,” (I picked that number because I’m thinking that you have 3 girls, your hubby has a boy & girl then you both have Mickayla – if I’m incorrect I’m sorry that I’ve left someone out),”and an angel with Jesus.”

    A lady up here lost a child, I don’t know how old he was when he went Home, and that is how she says it – 2 with her and an angel with Jesus.

    You are good. You are right. lol. Sometimes I can’t keep them all straight but, you did. lol Thank you.

  3. I agree with the other two responses. Even if someone asks you how many you have, you can still include Johnathan. You will always have him in your heart & thoughts. Your answer will be truthful no matter which way the question is asked.

  4. Hugs, Bobbie! That’s gotta be tough for you.

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