My Husband…. What a blessing he is…

I have been looking back through my blogs and realized, I really don’t talk much about my husband. You all probably think he is a figment of my imagination. lol. Don’t worry sometimes I think he is too. He works countless hours a week. I barely see him.

But, as I was looking I was thinking how blessed I am to have him. As much as I complain to him about no time spent with him or how he is totally deaf and get so tired of repeating myself. I do love him to pieces. And am so glad we found each other.

I had been going through alot with my previous relationship with my girls’ dad. He was terrible I really don’t want to get into to many details, but, lets say what started as a beautiful relationship, turned really bad in the end.

I started dating Mike and I was really scared he erased all of my fears of him doing physical harm to me and treated me like a person was supposed to be treated. We got married rather quickly. In 3 months from the time we started dating. Let me say that we worked together for a year and well, he was trying to avoid a workplace relationship because well, he had been through one before and it hadn’t worked.

We got married and he accepted and has cared for my (our) 3 girls like they are his own. We have the usually ups and downs that every family goes through. He works so that I can stay home and in our kids’ lives.

He gave me two more wonderful children the day we got married. Whom, I love with all my heart and we also have had 2 more wonderful children together. Which was a miracle because the doctor had told me I couldn’t have anymore because of cervical cancer at 24.

We have been through the most horrific tragedy a family can go through, the loss of our baby boy JT. And while there were rocky times after, we both knew we needed help getting to know one another again and learning to love one another again. And we have gotten that help. And he is the one who came to me with it. I didn’t go to him. He told me Honey, we need help. And I don’t think we would have come that far if he wouldn’t have told me that.

Today, I have a husband, who loves all of us, works very hard for us, comes home and cooks dinner. He supports me in everything I am doing to try to change myself for the better but, loves me just the way I am. He has a big heart and will help anyone out. He still loves him mother, and is there in a pinch for her. And even though it irritates me to no end when she calls and we have to cancel plans, that is the way he is and I really truely wouldn’t change it for anything.

Yes, we get frustrated with each other and we get frustrated with the kids but, that is life’s little bumps that you have to live through. He tells me every night before we go to bed that he loves me and every morning before he leaves for work whether i am awake or not and most times at 5 in the morning I am not. lol.

So, thank you honey for being such a blessing to all of us. You are the best.

Thank you God for sending him to me.

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How many children do I have…

I think people should ask how many children had you had. I hate answering that question. I don’t know how to answer it. Well, for one at any given moment I could have many children or I could have a couple. But, that is not the reason I detest answering that question. I got asked that question at FAST last night. I can’t really tell you what we were talking about because well, it is confidential. But, I just flew through it after I said I couldn’t answer it. Just about everyone knows Johnathan went home last year. I just ….. how do I answer that without including him. He is my son. He will always be my son. I have heard so many eloquent answers to that one. And I have been thinking about it since last night. Actually I have never stopped thinking about it. It has always been in the back of my mind. How do I include him in our family without making other people sad, or uncomfortable. And for another why should I care. Should everyone else’s feelings be more important than mine? I for the most part worry about other people’s feelings more than I should. Not saying that I don’t like to shock people once in a while but, for the most part, I have this innane sense to protect people from the ugly. And losing a child is about as ugly as it gets. Doesn’t matter how old they are. But, people are more willing to hear if you have lost a child and they were 25 or older as opposed to infancy thru childhood.

I really don’t think it is fair. I have to hide the fact that he lived. Sometimes it feels like I am denying God because he gave me this wonderful gift of a child. A miracle we watched beat a lot of odds. And I can’t rejoice in that. Just because people wouldn’t understand. I am to the point I don’t care if people would understand or not JT is my son. Just because he isn’t here doesn’t make him anyless mine, then if he was sleeping in the next room.

Johnathan passed away yes, but, that doesn’t mean my feelings and the love I felt for him ever will. I will always hold him in my heart and my heart is still broken in a million pieces. It has been 9 months 3 weeks and 5 days since we said see you later. And to this day I still a couple times a day, have such pain from grief that I can hardly breathe. I am only human, and I am a mother missing her son.

So, if you meet someone and want to know how many kids they have had. Ask them that. Don’t ask them how many kids they have. Let us answer truthfully.

I usually try to keep this blog about our days but, I have been forgetting one very important person. He helped me realize that yes, I do have faith. Not just for the big things but, for the little things also. He showed me that I am not alone, he taught me many things in his short life. I can’t keep denying that he lived so that other people can be comfortable. It just isn’t going to happen.

For Tricia….

Tricia is a mom with Cystic Fibrosis. She is waiting for a double lung transplant. Her Daughter Gwyneth Rose was born prematurely. She is currently in the nicu and you can read about them all here. Confessions of a CF husband She hasn’t been able to experience her baby the way that we have and things us moms take for granted. So here are the frustrated, special, wouldn’t trade them for anything moments I can’t wait for her to experience with her own little girl.

Her first smile

The first time you go to give her a bath and she is all clean a smelling really good and she poo’s in the tub.

Getting woke up 10 minutes after you fall asleep to a baby that decides that she is still hungry.

Forgeting where you put the remote and then later finding it in the fridge.

Not being able to find a sippy cup and little momma is thirsty right now

When little momma has chewed a hole through said sippy cup and it just drains all over the clean clothes you just put on her.

Those wonderful times diapers don’t hold anything. Or you in your sleep deprived state have put it on sideways. That is always fun.

Realizing when you wake up that you had changed the baby in the middle of the night and forgot to put the new diaper on her.

Spit up down your back and you don’t even realize it until a stranger lets you know. In the middle of a doctor’s office that it is totally running down your back.

Projectile vomiting that is always a nice thing. This is where said child spits up and it ends up on the wall across the room. Scary but, funny at the same time. Especially for dad. Boy did you see how far my kid can make that fly. lol

Not realizing she can actually roll distances and finding her in another room. (time for baby gates)

The first time she feeds herself and thinks the bowl is a hat.

The first time she says ma ma

The first step she takes.

Her first big girl puke in the car and it all runs down her carseat and you have to clean it out. And you can’t find gloves anywhere.

When she is potty training and she tells you she has to potty but, leaves out the fact she already did and there is a puddle on your living room floor.

When she cuddles in bed with you grabs you by the face and tells you she lubs do.

I can’t wait for you to experience every one of these moments and so many more because this is what it means to be a mommy…and every moment is glorious in its own special way.

My Challenge to all your blogging mommies…

If you are reading this and you are a mommy, I encourage you (for fun) to do something like this for Tricia on your blog. Tell her all the special, frustrating, wonderful moments that you hope she gets to experience just because she’s a mommy now too.

All our snow

Here are some pics of all of our snow courtesy of Stacy. The last time we measured at my house the snow was at 20 inches at the highest point, 17 at the lowest. We have a lot of wind so, we have hills and valleys and such so, we measured as best that we could. Enjoy!!

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My blog on hugging your child.

Ok, seriously, Stacy said I should write a blog on hugging. She has been pestering me about it for hours last night and I woke up to did you blog about hugging?

So here is my blog about hugging. Makes sure you hug your children and you hubby everyday. They need to know they are loved no matter how terrible they have acted through out the day. Just a reminder to them that you love them.

So, there is my blog about hugging your child/ren.

I really think she should start her own blog because she needs to instead of telling me what to write about. lol

On another note. Please remember to pray for Sumi and family today at 11. They are having a memorial for Jenna at that time. I know most of us that can not be there have planned our own way to celebrate Jenna’s memory. But, please just keep them in your hearts and pray for comfort. Thanks.


You Are Cowboy Boots


This doesn’t mean you’re country, just funky.
You’ve got a ton of attitude and confidence.

You’re unique, expressive, and even a little bit wacky.
You wear whatever you feel like – and you have your own sense of style.

You are straight shooting and honest. You tell people how it is.
Low maintenance and free wheeling, you’re always up for an adventure.

You should live: Where you can at least get to wide open spaces

You should work: In a job that allows you to take change

Just because I miss him…..

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