Mothers under attack….

I keep up with a great bunch of ladies who have lost their children. Most of the children have gone to heaven because they have been born with T-18. Some lived for hours some minutes. Some for days and months. You can get to some of them from my side bar. The mothers going through what I have losing a child give me so much comfort. Yes, I have been on this road longer and I should probably be the one comforting them but, well, grief is hard and different for everyone. I see God’s light shining through in all of them. They will be the first to hit the ground and praise God. Praise him through the grief, the pain, the hurt, and frustration. I stand amazed at their faith and love for our Saviour. It is awesome.

It seems there is always a few people out there ready and willing to attack them. It is the devil working his devilish ways this I know. But, to attack someone while they are going through something so raw and fresh is incomprehensible to me. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why these people have so little compassion that they can just be so cruel. It makes no sense to me. They need prayer. Prayer to unharden their hearts and open their eyes to see what a miracle these babies are and will always be to us mothers who have lost them. And understand that while we talk about how we feel we understand that we have other members of our family and yes, that they are grieving too. We have not forgotten about them. We just can’t speak for them. Grief is a personal journey. It changes you forever. You can not go back to who or what you were before it. That is never gonna happen. You have to find a new normal. And to do that you have to let the grief consume you. You have to feel every feeling it is throwing at you. You can’t hold back.

They told me that being in the NICU, was like a roller coater ride. Well, in some ways it is. But, grief is like that corkscrew roller coaster. You think you are doing ok, then for no reason sometimes you are flipped upside down. It could be a flash back of a memory, a smell, a taste, you see a baby wearing an outfit just like yours did at one time, or even just the announcement of a pregnant friend. Or it could be just nothing at all.

I have to drive past the funeral home that we used for Johnathan every weekday to go pick a neighbor’s son up from school. It is hard for me because well, that was the last place I seen my bubba’s face. I remember the first time. I was trying everything I could to hold it in. It didn’t work of course but, I felt better after I let it consume me and dealt with it. It thanked God profusely for being there with me and carrying me through that experience and many others like it. Driving past the cemetary and not being able to go in because it is closed and feeling like I abandoned my baby because all I could do was say a quick love ya while we were passing by. Things like that.

My husband deals with his grief so differently. He acts like he doesn’t have any. From what I am told it is a typical male thing. I don’t like it and will never understand it but, it is HIS personal journey through grief and we talk about johnathan and reminese and he asks me questions about things.

The girls they deal with it differently also. Everyone’s journey is so different none of us grieve the same. They always include Johnathan as their brother and have no problem talking about him. Harley has had the worst time of it. We are working on it and hopefully we can get her to express her emotions in a healthy way. She really scares me but, that doesn’t stop me from knowing that what she is feeling is her feelings and nothing that I can do can take those away from her.

I don’t really know why God chose me to be JT’s mom. I do know that I thank him everyday for the opportunity he gave me. I really wouldn’t trade it for anything. Johnathan was who he was God made him, God gave him to me and God decided he needed to be back with him. Who am I to argue with the Creator. Although I have but, I understand that He gave him to him only for a short while, but, that short while we gave him a lifetime X’s a million of love. I couldn’t ask for more. He was everything I ever wanted in a son.

So, what I am asking is that you pray for Eva Janette’s mom. And pray for the person being so hurtful that they will unharden their hearts and see God’s love. See that everyone grieves in their own unique way. And that while we may just be telling you our story that we are not ignoring our families. We just can’t speak for them. We speak for ourselves. This is our personal journey. And we really don’t have to explain it to other people but, we choose to and I know there are people that can be hurtful out there but, as I said I just can’t understand it.

Thanks for listening and thanks for praying. I know I have some awesome prayer warriors on here and they will understand.

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2 Responses

  1. Great post! You captured it all so well!

  2. Thank you! It means a lot!

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