August 29th Happy Birthday JT!!!!!

My Dearest Johnathan,

I miss you! Today is your birthday. I can’t believe it has been 2 years since you was born. It seems like just yesterday I was being rushed into that room to have that very scary emergency C-section. I was so scared. I remember telling the doctor to stop asking me questions and to just save my baby. And save you they did. I remember being wheeled on my stretcher into the NICU to see you. All I could see was your itty bitty little knee. Oh but, I fell in love with that knee. I could barely sleep that night even with all the medication that they had given me. Because I knew in a couple of hours that they would be coming to take me up to see you. Daddy of course fell asleep and was snoozing away. It was kinda funny because the first sight of daylight and he was getting everything in reach thrown at him to wake up. Ok, it was really funny and lots of fun.

When I finally did get to see you the next day I was truely and totally shocked at first. I could hardly find you with all the machines and plus there was all that humidity fogging up the incubator. But, we finally got to see you after several times of cleaning it off. And oh my goodness, I fell more in love with you. Let me tell you, if you could only know how much I loved you just from seeing your knee, the love that engulfed me when I seen you just hit me right in the heart.

You made it through some really big obstacles those first few days and the rest of your life. You was a fighter. I have never seen so much strength from anyone. And to imagine from an almost 2 lb baby the will to live was so strong that you knocked the socks off of those doctors and continued doing so the rest of your life. It is so amazing to me. I know God and the awesome prayer warriors we have had a lot to do with it. You were and still are awesome to me.

I have been having good days and bad days and the last few have not been so great. I have been thinking to much about the what if’s and I know that is not fair to you. You are really happy and whole with Jesus and I would never want to take that away from you. But, oh just to smell your hair after a bath again or to hold your hand and play with your little fingers, or just to see you look at me like you big dufus what were you thinking? I loved those times when we would ask you questions and you would answer. I think I loved that the most because it was like you really understood us. Like you knew we were crazy and that you were just amusing us with your awesome ability to be our magic 8 ball baby. More importantly in those times you knew I was your mommy and not just another person to come and take care of you.

I miss you Bubbas and I will continue to miss you. Time doesn’t heal that. It has taken some of the pain away. It isn’t as sharp as it once was. It still stabs me every once in a while for no reason what so ever. But, I welcome those times. They help me know that you were here you were my son. Not just a figment of my imagination.

I love you so much!!!!! We are having your birthday party at the cemetary at 4:15. No balloons this time but, I will be leaving you a cupcake.

Love you so much,

Mommy

Dear Jesus,

Thank you so much for lending me JT. He was awesome and just what I needed. You gave me an awesome gift that I could never repay. The miracles you sent our way where life changing and awesome. The gift that you gave me has changed me oh so much. I don’t take my children for granite anymore, my faith is strong and my love of you has grown. JT made my life so full and wonderful. It was full of love, joy, sorrow, pain, frustration, grief. But, without our little man, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t trade it for anything and I know you knew what you was doing by sending him to me. I didn’t think you did at first but, now, as I look back, I know he was the son for me. Thank you thank you thank you so much.

Please give him a hug and a kiss for me.

with much love and gratitude and thanks,

Bobbie Poling

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6 Responses

  1. Thanking God for JT! Happy Birthday little man!

  2. ❤ Happy Birthday JT ❤

    Many Hugs and Prayers and much Love to you Bobbie ❤

  3. Such a sweet picture, Bobbie.

    ***Happy Birthday***

  4. I love that picture of your sweet baby boy JT smiling.
    (((hugs)))

  5. He’s got a smile just lights up the world, Bobbie. I love him to pieces. (((hugs)))

  6. Happy *very* Belated Birthday!

    I didn’t forget, as that is Dh & BIL’s birthday also, we just didn’t have open access to the internet while on vacation.

    (((Bobbie)))

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