The homecoming part 2…..

I grabbed Johnathan up and just was rocking him telling him to go there was nothing left here for him. Just go baby don’t hold on. All the while they are getting all the wires off of him. I don’t know how long I sat there and rocked him like that, but, eventually they had us go to the room. The room where I had gotten a lot of bad news. Now, this room would be the room that my son died in. This was about 10:00. Stacy, Shaun, my Mother in law, my husband and children, and nurses, and my special nurse Vicky was there, I don’t know how she got there or even how she knew, but, she was there. Vicky had a heart attack the week before and was not allowed per doctor’s orders to work. But, she was there. Miss Theiss from school was there I don’t even remember how she found out or anything, I just know she was there.

We were sitting in the room, rocking Johnathan and talking to him and playing Temptation songs. He loved them. We had been playing them all night also. Shaun, Stacy’s husband was the dj.

I tried calling everyone that I could and I couldn’t get a hold of anyone. My pastor, my sister, anyone at church, no one. It was like everyone had taken that day off to just not be around for me. That is what it felt like. And I really didn’t want to waste my time calling everyone so, I left messages.

Granny I guess was in charge of the phones. She had all of them, including Miss Theiss’, not sure how that happened either.

Bobbie Predmore came in and said the most beautiful prayer. We had been trying to meet her for so long. She was the hospital chaplain, and every one said she was different and awesome. And by golly they were right. Sitting in there while she said that prayer, a peace just came over me. It was beautiful and like she just had the red phone connection with God.

Gena came back, I was very surprised to see her. She had had no sleep and went home and just came back.
I was so worried about her, but, that is me.

It was so hard to pass him around to people because I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to let go of him, but, I knew that they needed this time with him.

I was very angry at one point because Granny wanted to take pictures of him. I said no absolutely not. This is not Johnathan, if you wanted pictures than you should have been up here during his life not only his death. I do believe I said most of that in my head. At least I hope I did.

I was an angry ball of mess that day. It felt wrong to have to share him with all of those people that didn’t think him worthy enough to get to know him to be there. I was used to just me, Stacy and Johnathan. WE were there for the important stuff. WE were there for the smiles, and the surgeries, for the everyday care. WE were there to give our love unselfishly no matter the outcome. They weren’t. Yes, we were afraid of what if’s but, we didn’t let that rule our lives or the time that we spent with JT. But, here they were. Messing with my time with my baby, his final moments. It just wasn’t right.

But, I allowed it because deep deep down, I knew they needed to be there also.

Stacy and I took a few breaks for us and also so that they could all have their time. We would take a walk, get something to drink. Just so that we didn’t have to watch them take our time. I know this sounds so selfish of me and I am sorry but, I am being brutely honest in this and again, I am sorry.


3 Responses

  1. I don’t think you have anything to be sorry for…these are all your feelings and you have a right to feel this way!! I’m so glad you had Stacy there with you to go through all of this with you ❤

    Big Hugs! We Love You! ❤

  2. It was such a hard day, but I have never felt so much love as I felt in that room on that day..

  3. Please don’t apologize. I don’t think you should ever have to apologize for your feelings. (((hugs)))

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