Homecoming Part 3……

JT also got to taste grapes and pickles that day. We had made a list of things that we wanted to do with him, to make memories. Here is the list:

My List

I would like to experience the wind in my hair and the grass under my feet. To do this I would like Retta to take me outside with my family. I want to ride in the buggy that you always take babies home in. 5 -7-07

I want to have a family picture. I think that when you take me outside in the courtyard that would be a good time to do it. 5-7-07

I want a wagon ride around the NICU. I am stuck in this corner and well, I want to meet the other babies. I need to let them know that this place is a great place and while their stay may be short, it is the best possible place for them. I know it will make them feel so much better coming from me. Because those doc’s are scary people at times when you are new to this world. Plus, they do a lot of poking and from first hand experience, it isn’t the most pleasant thing. 5-7-07

I want to spend one day at home. Mommy is kinda scared because of the beepy machines, but, she is smart and I am sure she would catch on. While I am at home I want to roll around on the floor. They don’t let you do that here. If I was to roll around on the floor, I am afraid they might have to give me one of those baths that I really don’t like but, I know I have to have. I think it has to do with the fact I don’t like to be naked.

Oh yeah, dum dum suckers. I need to try those and maybe grapes rubbed on my lips just so that I can get a taste. Hey I am even up for pickles. Oh Yeah, ice cream would be cool too. Of course you know I have this really sensitive stomach so, we might have to do this days apart from each other. dum dum suckers 4-29-07 grapes and pickles 5-17-07

I want my sisters to introduce me to their friends. I hear so much about them and they know so much about me but, I would like to see who they are and maybe give them a little smile. But, they would have to look through the window. You know my mom is paranoid about germs.

I want to hear the christmas story. I do believe it is in Luke. Mommy said she would read it to me. I hope she doesn’t forget. I want to know the story so that when I meet the person in the story, I can say hey I know your story just like you know mine. Hey mommy, don’t forget ok?
5-12-07
This list could be revised at anytime because well, you know my brain is still growing and I might think of something that I didn’t know about the day before.

Signed,

Johnathan Thomas Michael Poling.

This list was posted at his bedside and every time we did something we dated it. The only thing that we didn’t get to do with him was take him home for a day. We had gotten approved for it Wednesday. We found out that the doctor that we thought was heartless really had a heart and fought for this with us. It was too late, but, at least we know if things would have turned out differently, that we could have taken him home for a few hours.

Johnathan basically bled out. He didn’t seem to be in any pain at all. They gave him pain meds to relax him to keep him comfortable. He did cry a little there around the end, but, he just wanted his binki. He was a binkiaholic. That would soothe him every time.

I honestly think that he took so long to go because he was hanging on for me. I really don’t know how to explain it, but, Stacy and I stepped out to talk to Destry the social worker, we were introducing him to Miss Theiss because he had heard a lot about her. Stacy and I both left in the middle of conversation, because we just knew some how that he was gone. It was a long 7 steps to get to that door and turn that handle. We opened the door and you could just feel it. You could see that JT was no longer with us.

Harley my middle daughter was holding him. Stacy just went over and scooped him out of her arms and said he needs his mommy right now. And Harley I don’t think wanted to give him up. She loved him so so much. Out of all the girls she had this connection with him that was awesome. She was the only one that could get him to giggle out loud and was not afraid ever of touching him or holding him with all of his wires, and tubes, and oxygen.

I got him in my arms and sat in the chair and Gena let me listen for his heartbeat and breath sounds. There weren’t any. I knew there wasn’t going to be, but, she let me and for that I am thankful. And do you know I do believe an Angel or Jesus himself took his hand because he passed on to his new life with a smile on his face. A calm little peaceful smile. It was the most amazing thing.

Sue came in and pronounced him at 5:15pm. He just fought so hard, as he did in everything. I was very proud of him. Proud of everything he lived through and proud to call him my son.

We spent some time in the room with him. Lulua came in she is one of the Aids and she just hugged him and loved on him and cried and it made me cry so much harder. It was that moment that I realized how much everyone that came to know him loved him.

Holding him for those few moments, I don’t think I realized how cold he would feel. I was used to my warm squishy chunky baby. The baby I was holding was just his shell. He still looked and smelled like JT but, he was no longer JT. I could already feel my arms beginning to ache. I already knew they were going to feel so empty. My heart was already broke and it was like pieces were just breaking off one by one and it wasn’t stopping. I didn’t think I would have one left by the time that we went home.

We played Really Gonna Miss You by Smokey Robinson. It is the same song he sang for Blue’s funeral. Blue was Melvin Franklin of the Temptations. The one with the really deep voice. It said all that we wanted to say to him.

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