The Homecoming…. Conclusion

We sat there for a while and just held him, Vicky asked if we would like to give him a bath. I said yes. It was going to be the last bath that we would ever give him. Harley and Stacey (my daughter) wanted to help and I let them each wash one of his legs. While they were washing his legs, his eyes started to open, I hid it with my hand, I didn’t think they needed to see that. And I yelled the word DEAD really loud. I don’t know where it came from it was in the middle of a sentence and had nothing to do with what I was saying. It felt like the whole NICU shut down. No beeping, no crying babies, no noise what so ever. But, I think that was in my head because after about 20 seconds which felt like 20 minutes I heard everything again. We got him dressed and prettied him all up, combing his hair and parting it just right. We would do this to him right before every surgery. His hair had to be just right. I gave him a bunch of kisses. And then let everyone else spend some more time with him.

I left for a little while, I went downstairs with Miss Theiss to make a few phone calls. We called the funeral home and a few people who wanted to be informed. And I finally got a hold of my pastor. He called me. I asked him if he would do the funeral. He said of course he would. I didn’t even have to ask he would be there, even if I didn’t choose him. He would be honored to do it.

I remember I had Miss Theiss call Elizabeth. She is a friend from a school function and let her know and she asked Bre how I was doing. I said great. JT is free, and eating Chocolate pudding. I don’t know why those early days I was so infatuated with saying to people that he was eating chocolate pudding because I really didn’t ever think of it before.

I just sat there for a while with Miss Theiss giving everyone the time that they needed. I was really afraid to go back up to the NICU. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to leave. That I wouldn’t be able to let go of him. But, I finally did make it up there and got attacked with what I think is an ugly question. Sue asked me if I would like an autopsy. I told her absolutely not. I wish someone would have warned me that they were going to ask me that so that I could have been better prepared for it. We already knew what was wrong and what happened. And as I look back I know that they have to ask but, it still hurt.

Stacy, Harley, and Shaun were still holding JT when I went back up. Well, Harley really Shaun and Stacy were just sitting with her. I had to basically pry him away from them and make them leave. I told them tell him you love him and give him kisses. They left and I took a few moments with him and told him how proud I was of him and that I would see him again. I promised. Gave him a bunch of kisses and made Gena promise me that they wouldn’t make him leave naked. That was my big fear. He loved to be bundled even when he got bigger and I was so afraid that they were going to send him off naked. The things that go through your mind at a time like this is really crazy. I also kept putting the crib sides up because I was afraid that he would fall out. Or, I would put my hand on him so that he didn’t roll while I was giving him his bath. I just kept asking God why now? Why now? Why couldn’t we have more time? Why couldn’t this have been different?

Then I went to Thank you so much for the gift you gave me in my son. I love him so much please take care of him. I know you will but, I have to ask you to. Make sure he is happy and doesn’t miss us to much. Then I would mentally smack my self and ask myself why? Why would he miss us? Bobbie, he’s in heaven. You know HEAVEN! He is probably dancing with joy right now. Healed and whole. No surgery scars no nothing a complete new self.

Then I would start the questioning again. It is a vicious cycle.

We finally left, and we did “The Walk.” Some people may know what “The Walk” is. It is that long walk down that long hallway knowing that you are leaving a loved one and never to return to see that person again. It is heart wrenching and scary, because once you get outside there is no turning back. Things are never going to be as they once were. Nothing about you will ever be the same. On the other side of that door at the end of that long hallway is pain. Unadalterating, soul wrenching, heart breaking pain. And I so didn’t want to walk out that door. I just wanted to sit on the couch by the doors. Because I was not ready for what was on the other side yet.

One of the nurses stopped me. Her name is Jen. She told me I was a great mom and that it was amazing what I knew about my child and that I was always there no matter what I knew his diagnosis, his treatment plan, everything about him and she thanked me for it. She said you are one of the few that actually participated in your child’s care and questioned things and made your own mind up about what was best for him. I really thank her for that. I just thought I was being a mom. My kids are my life and I will fight for them no matter how big or small the issue.

Stacy and I finally walked out those doors and it seemed as though the world was different. The atmosphere had changed, but, nothing was different. Everyone was running along the same way. Not a clue that I had just lost my baby. That he was gone. All his stuff had been packed up and taken and put in the car. No one in a wheel chair followed. No little baby in a buggy going home. You think they would have a clue. But, nope no one did and that made me so very very angry.

As Stacy and I were riding home, I made her call a few people. I really didn’t want to go home but, I knew that I had to.

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2 Responses

  1. I always go away from reading your blog admiring how you are able to write about JT. Your courage amazes me and helps me face difficult and painful things in my own life. God Bless You.

  2. I came for ICLW and have not been able to leave. I should be sound asleep in my bed right now, but I can’t. I read one of your posts and then another and another. I feel like I need to know the whole story of JT and your amazing courage.

    I sit here and weep. And I am not sure if I am weeping tears of sadness, or of gratitude for the 3 beautiful gifts I have sleeping upstairs.

    You are in my heart.

    Thank you.

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