Back to our reguarly scheduled program….

Ok, back on track with the “grief series”.

The days leading up to the funeral where well, they went to fast I think. I was not ready for it to be over. Because I knew that would be the last time I would physically “see” my baby. I went shopping for some funeral clothes. The lady at the store was very accomadating and we got my clothes on sale. I think Stacy or even maybe I told her what they were for, and both of them were throwing clothes at me as fast as I could try them on. Shoe shopping was the worst. I really really don’t like shopping for myself. I have what I have and make do. I don’t see the point in spending money on myself when the kids need this or that. This was no exception. I felt guilty about it the whole time. I think that is what made it so hard to find something.

I know that everyone was pushing me to do it to get out and get my mind off of stuff, but, that really wasn’t going to happen. I just wanted to be. To just sit in my room and just be. But, that wouldn’t of been good at all, not at that time.

Those first few days, me and God had long talks. Really long talks. I told him it wasn’t fair, and he was wrong and why would he do that to JT? Why would he do that to me? Why would he take my son away from me like that? I was very selfish for a long while. I just wanted my baby back. For 8 1/2 months it was all about him. I had no direction anymore. I had nothing to do basically. I tried several times to get into the car and leave to go to Children’s only to remember that there wasn’t anything there for me anymore. Then I would try to talk myself into going up there to check and make sure he wasn’t there. Maybe it didn’t happen. Maybe he was up there waiting for me to come back. I knew he wasn’t but, my mind and my heart were playing tricks on me.

The hardest part was waking up and remembering he was gone. He wasn’t up there in the NICU and I was not going to be going to see him anymore. I missed it all. The arguing with the doctor’s the care, the kisses, the hugs, the frustration, all of it. I wanted it back and nothing I could do or say would bring him back. NOTHING.

Then I would start to feel guilty. Guilty about things that well, I had no control of. I felt guilty that he was born to early. Guilty about those first few days when I argued with the nurses and doctors not to feed him Similac. That he would probably be allergic to it like all of my other children. No one could predict what was going to happen. Guilty that my body wasn’t strong enough to keep him in there longer. Just guilty thinking that I put him through all of this. That I put my family through all of this. But, I didn’t, it happened. God has his reasons why He chose us to be his family. He chose us and that in and of itself is an honor to be the mother of him and know what he did to change my life.

I would go from angry at God to thanking him for JT’s life and all that he gave me. From crying to laughing and back again in 3.2 seconds. This would go on for a long time. Even today I still have days like that. Though they are fewer and farther in between. I welcome them. They remind me that JT was here. He was loved. He was real.


8 Responses

  1. Although I haven’t lost a child, I struggle daily with the interplay between being angry at God for infertility and the being grateful for it. I guess that’s why I need a ton of grace.

  2. Heavenly Father blesses us in so many ways – even the time you had with JT, the love you got to know and the love he knew from you, the way your life will be forever and inexplicably changed.

    I still have those days, the ones where you want to rage against a creator that could allow a child to die and simultaneously thank Him for providing life. It’s been 16 years.


  3. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I admire your strength and faith.


  4. Here from ICLW. I read a few posts below. Thank you for sharing your powerful and emotional journey. All the best.

  5. Here from ICLW. I’ve read a bit back and commend you for being able to put your journey out here for us to read and share with you. ~hugs~

  6. NCLW here! I thought I would just pop in and say HELLO from Seattle…I read quite a few of your posts and I know that they will help many others who wonder if what they are going through is “normal” or if their greif will ever end….Thank you for sharing!!

    Sharon LaMothe
    Infertility Answers, Inc.

  7. You have such great strength. Thanks for sharing.


  8. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. You are very strong! ((HUGS))

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