Those early days…

Going through those early days, I was so consumed by my grief that I didn’t have the tools to look around and see that other people were hurting because of JT’s death. I was only aware of mine. My grief, my son. As I said I was really very selfish those early days. It was all about me and MY son. Never mind he had a father, brothers and sister, grandmothers, aunts, uncles, and friends. Never mind that at all. Never mind the fact that I shared his whole life with people that I had never met but, consider really close friends. Two of those I got to meet at his funeral.

His funeral….

It turned out to be more than I had ever expected. I figured just a few people would be there. I never imagined that there would be standing room only. JT’s whole life was lived in the NICU. While we were there we had very few visitors. Outside of my immediate family and Stacy, but, I consider her immediate family. I can actually tell you how many people came up to visit him, 8 people. I never got to show my baby off like other mothers do. All people could think about is that he was sick. They didn’t want to be involved with something that would break their heart. I was very angry about that. I would have taken anyone up there to visit him. Anyone. And I do mean that. I was so proud of him, wires, tubes, iv’s all the beepy machines and all. He was beautiful and perfect to me. But, I got off on a tirade there.

There were a few bumps but, hey that is with everything. It was a beautiful day with lots of great fellowship and celebrating his life.

After the funeral and the days that ensued I would wake up every morning and just have to ask God to help me get out of bed. Help me to live. Because the living thing, well, it was hard, it hurt, and I didn’t want to do it.

Two major events happened in one day. I got a real eye opener that I wasn’t the only one hurt by this. My middle daughter had been suicidal for a year. We were finally back on track and she was getting better she wasn’t so depressed, she was actually smiling. But, as I was doing something in the kitchen, I just started hearing this screaming. I want to die, God just kill me don’t leave me here, I want to die. I ran into the living room and she was in there just beating on herself. I had no idea what to do. I was in my own cloud and in my bubble feeling sorry for myself with no thought of anyone else I couldn’t see how bad my baby was hurting. I tried the best that I could to calm her down and then I had to call her counselor because while before JT I could have dealt with this and I had the tools to at this time after JT, I so totally didn’t. We got ahold of her counselor who was at home by the way. It was awesome of her to take her time to help. She talked her down enough for me to be able to handle it. She missed JT so much and didn’t have the coping skills to handle it. I wasn’t being the mommy that I usually was. In tune with my child’s feelings and being able to help them.

The second was that very night. My oldest daughter had been cranky all day. I chalked it up to hormones. You would ask her to do something and she would just burst out in tears and throw a tantrum. She was 13 so, I figured her hormones were all whacky. But, that night as I was going up to bed at about 2 am, I heard her in her room just crying her eyes out. I went in and asked her what was wrong, she said, Oh mommy, I just miss JT so much, I want him to come back. I told her I did too but, he was with Jesus now, and he was very happy, happy he didn’t have to live in pain and with every imaginable thing hooked up to him. But, I was very honest with her and told her I feel that pain too every minute of every day. And that is ok. It is ok to hurt and want him back because that is human. I just sat there and held her and let her cry until she fell asleep and I slept with her that night. The whole time thinking you big dummy. You have to think of other people also. You can’t just go through this like this is just yours because it isn’t. Grief hit all of us. While the way that I feel and the way that they feel is their own, grief is ours together just as JT was all of ours together. From my family, to the NICU nurses, doctors and all the staff that came in contact with him, to the people that had never met him and was praying for him to friends. I had to share him, whether I want to or not, and Oh boy did I want to share him even in his death I wanted to share what was JT from that moment on, no strings attached. So, I started writing. And that has helped immensely. Just letting everyone who he was, tubes, iv’s wires, beepy machines and all.


One Response

  1. Thank you for sharing that little part of your story. I’m a visitor from ICLW. And although I’ve had a miscarriage recently, your post has helped me put it into perspective, there are worse kinds of losses. You had your JT, only for a little while and certainly not long enough. Thank you.

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