Things that I have thought and done……

When you are going through grief you think so many different sometimes bizarre things. You think that you can’t do things but, you can.

Before JT died, I didn’t think I could hold my babies body and just let him go. Just surrender him to God and feel at peace with it. But, I did. It wasn’t a good feeling but, it was a feeling of peace that when it happened, it happened just the way that it should have and our prayers were answered beyond our wildest imaginations.

After JT died, I didn’t think I could live my life. I didn’t think I could get through a minute much less a whole day and live to tell about it. But, I did.

I didn’t think that I could be a productive person of society, or raise my other children, but, I have been.

We don’t have memories of JT being in our house. He was never here. His stuff has been here but, he had never been here physically. I don’t have memories of him in his crib or sleeping with me after a rough night, or baths in the sink, or dirty diapers that somehow find their way on the floor because you did a 2 o’clock feed and change only to wake up in the morning and trip over said diaper. Never had the went to fix a bottle and left it on the stove to warm only to forget about it, and realize when there is this burning smell coming from the kitchen that oops guess i better get that before the kitchen burns down memory.

A lot of people after the death of their child have a hard time either going into their child’s bedroom the first time, or they just can’t leave that bedroom. JT’s bedroom was the NICU. Number 19 and 22. Those were the two spots he spent all of his time there in. It is just too hard for me to think of going up there and his space is filled with someone else. Another new life that doesn’t know the history of those two spots. To know that his spot is gone, just to be replaced by another. I can’t go up there and have those memories. It is too hard for me to go back up there. I don’t know if I would have been one of those parents that keeps it as is or packs it up. I am not sure at all.

I did have all of his stuff from the hospital and it took me about 3 months before I was able to unpack it all and go through it. I did keep everything of his. It is in a hope chest. That is what I call it anyway. Because through JT, I did have hope, and I still have hope, that hasn’t changed. I still find things around the house of his. A picture that somehow has gotten mixed up in other pictures. An outfit that somehow has gotten mixed up in the laundry. A baggy of stuff that I hadn’t done anything with from when we were switching hospitals. These little treasures either cause me such happyness or cause me to have a ginormous crying fit, then I lift myself up through prayer and with God’s grace and hope for another time to find some little treasure that has somehow found itself into our living areas. It was like he was here and had been here. But, it really doesn’t replace the real thing.

I used to get to where I would stay up nights and get only a few hours of sleep each night, just searching the internet to find a story like mine. Anything that came even remotely close. There was no diagnosis that you could fit JT in. He had so many things going on and the doctor’s had always said that they had no idea what to do half the time because they had never seen anything like what was happening to him. And now, I believe it. Because as much as I searched. I couldn’t find anything. Now, each different thing, I could find things on that, but, all together nothing. So, yep, he was as unique as they said he was. I at the time just thought that they didn’t want to deal with everything that was wrong with him. But, I know that isn’t true because they were always searching and researching trying to find a solution where there was none. They worked really hard behind the scenes.

I never thought that I could find joy in holding a baby boy again, but, I did yesterday. He is 4 months old and is so smiley and happy and I had the best time just talking to him, and he was cooing back it was awesome.

I used to think if I prayed hard enough God would bring him back. He brought Lazarus back, why not JT? But, I knew it wasn’t going to happen, but, wishfulness was holding me there. Holding me to think that in a few days I would wake up and JT would be laying next to me smacking me in the face like babies do to wake me up and it would all have been a dream. Didn’t happen. But, I have my memories and those we made awesome and I am thankful for that.

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