Children and holding them close…

After JT passed away I was a paranoid mess. I wouldn’t let my children do much, I was scared something would happen to them. I was deathly afraid of the steps. That one always got me. I was afraid that Mikayla would fall down them and break her neck. If they were wrestling around. I would make them stop. I was just so afraid I would lose another one. I would wake up in the middle of the night and I couldn’t breathe because I thought that they were gone. I would check them numerous times during the night to make sure that I seen their chests rising. If Mikayla didn’t wake up at her usual time and slept in I was poking her to make sure she moved. I still do that sometimes but, it is few and far between now.

I wouldn’t let them go anywhere without me. And no spending the night anywhere because well things could happen. They didn’t understand it. They had no clue what was going on with me. Why, all of a sudden they were on lock down and could do nothing. I even limited their time outside. And that isn’t like me at all. I think children should be outside and playing and running and having a great time because sunshine makes you grow. I was growing my children to be couch potatos and totally didn’t like what I was seeing. But, I couldn’t let go of that anxiety and panic enough to let them go outside and just be kids. So, I let them watch as much tv as they like and play as many video games as they wanted to and just made sure that they were close. I lost myself in the computer world and they lost themselves in the electronic world. They could have their friends come over that was no problem. That never really was. I always had no less than 10 kids in my house because well, I love kids. I was feeding them and taking care of them while they were here. My husband didn’t like the grocery bills so much, but, he didn’t really ever complain to much.

But, one day I was had an epiphany. Either that or God kicked me back into shape like he likes to do. I feeling suffocated. I just told them go outside. Go play get out of here. You need to be outside. What was I thinking??? Then they went out to play and I was being a crazy lady yelling at them not to do this or do that or to leave this alone or that alone. They couldn’t have any fun that way. It took a long time of me just holding my breath praying for God to keep them safe and just letting them be. But, I did it.

I have always been the kind of parent to let my kids make mistakes. To let them learn and I help them to see what they did wrong and let them fix it if they are able to. We are very open and talk about sex, drugs, what have you. I want them to be able to come to me and ask me about something. I want them to know that I won’t judge them on it and that together we’ll look at it and find the best possible solution together. I don’t go rampaging (to much) and not let them live their life. I wasn’t that kind of parent anymore. I was a closed up piece of mess.

My husband saw it also. He said, in the most loving way, “Honey, I think you need counseling”
So, I got it.

While that may not be for some it helped me immensely. I’ll talk more about that tomorrow.

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One Response

  1. I have no doubt that in the future God is going to use you to help others. To come alongside of someone going thru what you went thru is quite an accomplishment. You are being prayed for. Remember, we care.

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