Counseling…

I know counseling might not be for some people but, it was right for me. I was really having a hard time, I was being mean to everyone around me and just couldn’t be nice at all.

Stacy and I went to talk with my pastor because well, we had some questions. I was really scared about some things that Jehovah Witnesses were saying about JT, that he wasn’t in Heaven and he was nowhere. I know I really shouldn’t have been talking to them, but, I can’t say no to anyone. Neal was kind enough to call a christian counselor that he knows and get me in for an appointment.

Little did I know that I knew her. What a sweet surprise. I used to be in Oesterlen. I usually don’t admit this to anyone but, I was. It is a residential treatment center for troubled youth. And yes, I was one. Shelley was one of the workers there. I hadn’t seen her in 15 years. But, she knew me right away and I knew her.

What was awesome about my couseling was I was being counciled by someone who had been there. 22 years before she also had lost her son. I got to talk to someone that got it. Some one that could understand that I was hurting and that hurt was not going to go away.

She told me it was ok to be angry just like my pastor did. They both said David was angry at God and was honest with him and that made David a man after God’s own heart. God doesn’t want us to hide our feelings from Him. He wants us to give them to Him. Be honest with Him. She also told me that it was ok to be mad at JT. Which I didn’t realize at the time, but, I was mad at Johnathan. I was mad he left after fighting so hard.

Shelley had me go to the cemetary. To take an hour or however long that I needed and just talk to God and JT. To just get it all out. Cry, scream, laugh, rejoice, pound the dirt, whatever you have to do. And oh boy did I. I told them both exactly how I felt. The hurt, the anger, the joy, the pain. How could this happen to me? Why did this happen to me? Why did you leave me here. I miss your sweet cheeks, and your little quirky personality. I miss watching you while your were asleep, I miss messing with your pulse ox and making the machine beep. I…. MISS….IT…. ALL!!!!!

Why God did you take Johnathan away from me??? WHY?!?!? I said alot more to God, then I apologized to both of them. I said I was sorry for feeling sorry for myself. I am sorry for wanting JT back to his life of pain, and suffering. I am sorry, if my faith wasn’t enough. Sorry, if maybe I didn’t believe enough.

Then I started thanking both of them. Thank you for the best gift ever. Thank you for letting me see daily the miracles that you provided that gave me 8 1/2 awesome months with my son. Thank you for the honor to be JT’s mom. Thank you for all the struggles the frustrations, the anger, the joy, the love, the elation, the surgeries, the doctor’s nurses and the hospital, and the NICU. Thank you for enriching my life more because of it.

Thank you JT for being all that you were. You were perfect in my eyes. You are my son and will always be my son. I am so proud of you and all that you did while you was here with us. You made me smile everyday, you made my life purposeful every day. You helped me to grow in my faith and in my life. Thank you, thank you , thank you my sweet little boy.

I can’t tell you the relief I felt to get that all out. To be given permission to grieve like that. Now, I am not saying that I left there and life has been a bunch of roses because it absolutely has not been. But, it was a way to start the healing process. I had been holding on to the pain. Because if I held on to the pain then it would hurt and if I hurt, then it would mean that I wouldn’t forget my baby. I never wanted to forget him ever. And I won’t. I could breathe a little easier when I left there. I laid everything that I had right there at the feet of God and He took it. He took it and then wrapped his arms of comfort around me and just let me get it out.

I am able to remember JT know with smiles and laughter and actually remember him. Not his death. Because I was so centered on his death I forgot about HIM. My son. Now, when I talk to Stacy I am not holding in tears, I am holding in laughter. Because well, if you only knew the crazy things that could happen in the NICU you would understand. lol. From dum dum pops, to crazy beepy pulse ox monitors. It was a blast for the most part.

Everyone have a great day!!!

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