All about Harley….

Harley is my moody, don’t mess with me I’ll kick your butt child. She was born 2 months early and I think that made her a fighter. She was only in the NICU for 14 days but, those were 14 of the most heart wrenching days of my life. I remember when she was born, I didn’t have my glasses on and I couldn’t see what was going on. They had to resusitate her and put a vent in. I know that. I could see her outline and I could tell her back was arching. It was very scary. And I said a few things to people that were ugly because I couldn’t see. They finally after they had her vented found my glasses. I think they did it on purpose but, we aren’t going to go there. They whisked her away to the nursery and I didn’t see her until 3 hours later when they were moving her to children’s. They brought her in and let me see her and touch her and let me know that she was breathing room air they were just leaving the vent in as a precaution for transport. I watched her leave and just cried for the next 6 hours until they let me out. I rushed up there and she was already in a warmer with the vent out but, she had tubes and wires everywhere. And she had a couple of tubes down her throat. Harley actually did really good. She only had a couple of days where she couldn’t keep her temp up and went back into the incubator but, after that it was smooth sailing. I remember watching her get mad in the incubator and she was on her stomache and she would lift her whole body up off the bed. She was supporting herself on her head and toes. It blew my mind. She must’ve been really mad and I didn’t know what to do because I didnt know if I could touch her or what I could do. the nurse finally came over and what she wanted was her binky. I was 21 and felt totally inadequate as a mother at that point. She came home and gave us all a run for our money. She had to be fed every three hours and she knew when those three hours were up and oh boy did she let us know.

Harley is the most kind hearted person you could meet though. If she loves you. She will take care of you and defend you til the end. But, she hold her emotions in. And that is not a good thing for her. When she hold her emotions in she has to find a different avenue to express them and well, let’s just say her ways have been harmful to herself or others. There was a year that she didn’t smile she didn’t laugh. She was just sad. All the time. She would lock herself in her room. I didn’t know what to do, I tried everything. I talked to her I told her I loved her. She finally decided to try and harm herself. And I say decided because she made a choice. She was finally able to get into counseling and that worked wonders. She was also in a self esteem group. I didn’t realize that self esteem could make you go so low and I didn’t realize that children as young as her could experience low self esteem. When we got her self esteem up and she had a way to vent her feelings, she started smiling again, and interacting with other people. She still has times when she bottles up her emotions, we just have to look for the signs. Because when Harley has an “episode” it is never a little one. But, we are all getting better including herself at recognizing when she needs to talk or when she just needs to scream.

I am seriously thinking of getting her tested for bi-polar disease only because her highs are really high and her lows really low and she can turn in a second. I don’t like to label my children and I don’t believe in medicating them at all unless it is cold medicine or something that they really need. But, after going through this for 5 years, I think that we need to figure out something else besides severely depressed and depression. Ok, now that I have aired all of her dirty laundry and i really didn’t mean to but, when my fingers start talking they really talk.

Harley is beautiful, and she is a kind loving soul. She is smart as can be and has a very sarcastic humorous side that I love to see when it surfaces. She reminds me so much of me that it isn’t funny. I think that is why we clash alot too. She is 12 alost 13 and thinks she is grown. But, what almost teen doesn’t? lol.. If she loves you, you never find a better advocate and helper. She loves to help. Whether it be with cleaning, spending time with you, or watching your babies. She loves babies.

So, there is another one of my baby girls. I know I have a lot of them but, as long as the Lord keeps blessing me with them, I’ll keep taking them.

One Response

  1. She really is the most sweetest, caring and loving person you could ever meet. She will do anything to make someone else happy. If only she could make her self as happy as she tries to make others. I just love her to pieces. I just want to go hug her now.

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