Just one of those days…

I am so missing JT today. I was reading a caringbridge site, and just went over to JT’s to look around and read a little because those are real time memories. I wrote as it was happening. And I miss him soo much today. I miss his quirky little way he would tilt his head and look at me like what the heck are you thinking crazy lady? I miss smelling his head after a bath. Heck I miss the NICU.

I even miss that mean old doctor. Ok, he wasn’t so mean in the end but, I guess I should say indifferent. He did a lot for us in the end. So, I guess he wasn’t that mean. I miss the crazy laughter we had up there. I miss the scary times. I miss spilling the ostomy bag all over me and riding home all stinky. (That was fun wasn’t it Stacy?). Especially when I would close the windows. I miss being freaked out that I was doing something wrong. One time I was changing his bag and thought that I had peeled off his belly button. Talk about freaked out. It was just a lot of glue pooled in his belly button and to my defense Gena, the nurse thought that was what was happening too. I miss all the beepy machines. I even miss that dratted pulse ox monitor that never stayed attached and beeped endlessly. I miss not remembering if I put his monitors back on him when I left, or if I remembered to put the side of his crib up. I always did, I guess it was one of those things like turning a light off in a room. You can’t remember if you did it but, you go and check and you did.

I even miss the times when he was bleeding and we would all work so hard to get it to stop. We would usually come out looking like a we had all been in a car accident. I didn’t know the body could hold that much. JT would bleed out of his ostomy site because of his liver being damaged from the TPN, he didn’t clot so, if a vessel burst, there was lots of bleeding. And lots of blood transfusions. From plateletts to fresh frozen plazma, to just plain product. And you know my blood problem I have? The whole fainting thing? Well, it didn’t happen then. I didn’t faint. I remember feeling queasy but, I worked through it. Why have I never been able to do that before? And still can’t do it now? That had to be God. That is the only thing that would explain it.

The only time I did faint or came close to it was the last day. I lifted up the washcloth and blood just spurted like a gyser out of his ostomy. It never came out of his ostomy before just from around it. I guess, it just all hit me at once. Sorry for the visual. But, that is how I remember it.

mom wrote about being thankful for everything. And how it is hard being thankful for her sons’ death. I stumble with this also. Because I get so mad when I read about other children that have had liver/small bowel transplants and how they were smaller than JT and able to have them when they said JT was too small. I know there were other factors such as his heart. But, I get stuck on that sometimes. Why did God make JT so unique that no one was able to save him? How can I be thankful that JT is not here? I am thankful that he is no longer suffering. I am thankful he is in God’s hands. But, to be thankful for his death? Nope, I just can’t be at the moment. I want to be but, I just can’t be. I guess God never promised us a rose garden huh? I feel blessed about everything that JT brought to my life, during his life and after. But, with death brought the fact that my family will always be incomplete. I won’t have my little man running around the house, I won’t have any first teeth, no boo boos, no first day of school, no teenage boy angst, no first date, no marriage and no grand child.

But, without JT, and how everything went. I wouldn’t be as close to God as I am now, I also believe I wouldn’t have my best friend, my children would have missed out loving like they did and gaining so much from JT.

Well, I guess I’ll end here. I said alot more than I thought I was going to. thanks for reading.


6 Responses

  1. God tells us to be thankful IN everything, but I cannot find where He says we must be thankful FOR everything. I think he knows our hearts and knows we are human and our losses cause such immense hurt. I think the key is to have a thankful heart through it all. To find the good in the pain. Like, you can be thankful JT is not suffering, just not for his death….I think that is ok. But then again I am no expert! 🙂

  2. Love and hugs.

    JT made a big impression in so many lives. Thank you for sharing him with us. 🙂

  3. Just wanted to offer a little cyber hug to you, Bobbie. JT was a beautiful boy, and your writing about him has touched so many hearts. (((hugs)))

  4. JT was a wonderful little man who touched so many peoples hearts in very big ways in a very short time<3

    Big hugs<3 We love you!

  5. I am afraid that sometimes life has unanswered questions and that is where it is evident your faith has seen you through some very difficult times. You are very brave to share your thoughts with all of us and you gave us the opportunity of knowing JT.

  6. I still have fond memories of the joyous milestones your J.T. reached. There were good days and bad days that you shared with us. Many of us felt like our hearts were torn too when he left to be with Jesus…but we know someday that you wil be reunited with him in heaven… if anything that is the peace I feel in my heart knowing that God has such a precious angel who in his short time here on earth accomplished so much in his life as a testimony to God’s love.

    Thank you Bobbie… (((( hugs ))))
    Thank you J.T. (((( hugs and kisses ))))

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