I Wish….

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Just laying it all out there…

I was watching Dr. Phil today and it was how to fight fair with your spouse. And I about got sick. Because I saw myself in that woman. Angry about everything her husband does fighting and bringing up the past. Throwing stuff in his face about things that make no sense. And the big one telling him that I want a divorce at least 2 – 3 times a week.

I am probably going to get slammed for admitting this and that is ok, because I deserve it.

But, things have changed in our relationship this past oh I would say year and a half. I am not happy most of the time. I would say that I am depressed and angry. Because I feel anger following behind me all the time. It’s always back there waiting for my husband to say some innocent little thing that will set me off. Oh and my children are not immune to it either.

There are times they are just doing their job being children and I just snap and start screaming at them. It’s not their fault but, I feel like one of those abusive people I used to see and go oh my, what are they thinking.

I am not the person that I was before. I can pretend that I am but, I know that I am not. I don’t feel the same I don’t act the same. Heck I don’t even look the same.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and children very much. They are everything to me. And it is me it isn’t them. They are just doing what they have always done. Although the smart alec stuff has been perfected since they have gotten older. But, still the kids are just being kids.

I have approximately 5 months until this new one gets here and I do not want peanut born into this chaos that I have created for myself and my family.

So, I am going to fix it. I am going to get back into counseling and work on me. I have to fix me before I can even think to try to fix anything else.

I am not a psychologist but, I think that I am just good old fashioned depressed. I am alway tired, I am always grumpy, I don’t see the point in things. It has to be a really good reason to get me to leave the house. I only get out for doctor appointments. Anything else I bow out of, I pretend I am sick or just plain tired, or I have nothing to wear. You name it I have used it as an excuse. Well, NO more.

My family deserves the real me and if I have to die trying that is what they are going to get!

Come Worship With Me!!!

This is some of the Songs I have been singing today, just thought that I would share them with you. I love the Gaither’s and they can really get your blood pumping and you can feel the prescence of God! So, let loose and let God hear ya! Make a joyful sound unto the Lord!!!

I’ll Fly Away

Power in the Blood

I Saw The Light

Blessed Be The Name of the Lord

Something to get your blood pumping!!

I have seen 80 out of 239 films

() Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest
() Boondock Saints
() Fight Club
() Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
() Blazing Saddles
(x) Airplane
Total: 5

(x) The Princess Bride
() Anchorman
() Napoleon Dynamite
(x) Labyrinth
(x) Saw
(x) Saw II
() White Noise
() White Oleander
() Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
(x) The Princess Diaries
(x) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Total so far:12

(x) Scream
() Scream 2
() Scream 3
() Scary Movie
() Scary Movie 2
() Scary Movie 3
() Scary Movie 4
() American Pie
() American Pie 2
() American Wedding
() American Pie Band Camp
Total so far: 13

(x) Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
(x) Resident Evil 1
(x) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
() Little Black Book
() The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch
Total so far: 21

(x) Finding Nemo
() Finding Neverland
() Signs
() The Grinch
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
() White Chicks
() Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30 (Suddenly 30)
(x) I, Robot
(x) Robots
Total so far: 25

() Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
() Universal Soldier
() Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
() Along Came Polly
() Deep Impact
() KingPin
() Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
() Eight Crazy Nights
() Joe Dirt
() KING KONG (2003)
Total so far: 27

(x) A Cinderella Story
() The Terminal
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie
() Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
() Dumber & Dumberer
() Final Destination
() Final Destination 2
() Final Destination 3
() Halloween
(x) The Ring
() The Ring 2
() Surviving X-MAS
(x) Flubber
Total so far: 31

() Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
() Practical Magic
() Chicago
(x) Ghost Ship
() From Hell
() Hellboy
() Secret Window
(x) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
() The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 34

() The Day After Tomorrow
() Child’s Play
() Seed of Chucky
() Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
() Just Married
() Gothika
() Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
() Remember the Titans
() Coach Carter
() The Grudge
() The Grudge 2
() The Mask
() Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 36

(x) Bad Boys
(x) Bad Boys 2
() Joy Ride
() Lucky Number Slevin
() Ocean’s Eleven
() Ocean’s Twelve
() Bourne Identity
() Bourne Supremacy
( ) Lone Star
() Bedazzled
() Predator I
() Predator II
() The Fog
(x) Ice Age
(x) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
(x) Curious George
Total so far: 41

(x) Independence Day
() Cujo
(x) A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
(x) Christine
(x) ET
() Children of the Corn
() My Bosses Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
(x) War of the Worlds
(x) Rush Hour
(x) Rush Hour 2
Total so far: 49

() Best Bet
() How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
() She’s All That
() Calendar Girls
() Sideways
() Mars Attacks
() Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
() Big Trouble in Little China
() The Terminator
() The Terminator 2
() The Terminator 3
Total so far: 52

(x) X-Men The best movies ever! lol
(x) X-2
(x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
(x) Sky High
() Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
() Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
() The Skulls
() Cruel Intentions
() Cruel Intentions 2
() The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
Total so far: 62

() Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
() Old School
(x) The Notebook
() K-Pax
() Krippendorf’s Tribe
(x) A Walk to Remember
(x) Ice Castles
() Boogeyman
() The 40-year-old Virgin
Total so far: 66

() Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
() Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
() Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
() Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
() Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
() Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Total so far: 66

() Baseketball
() Hostel
() Waiting for Guffman
() House of 1000 Corpses
() Devils Reject
(x) Elf
() Highlander
() Mothman Prophecies
() American History X
() Three
Total so Far: 67

() The Jacket
() Kung Fu Hustle
() Shaolin Soccer
() Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
() Titanic
() Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x) Shaun Of the Dead
() Willard
Total so far: 69

() High Tension
() Club Dread
(x) Hulk
() Dawn Of the Dead
() Hook
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(x) 28 days later
() Orgazmo
() Phantasm
(x) Waterworld
Total so far: 73

() Kill Bill vol 1
() Kill Bill vol 2
(x) Mortal Kombat
() Wolf Creek
() Kingdom of Heaven
() The Hills Have Eyes
() I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
() The Last House on the Left
() Re-Animator
() Army of Darkness
Total so far: 74

() Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
() Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
() Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
() Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
() Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
() Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
() Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
() Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 74

(x) The Matrix
(x) The Matrix Reloaded
(x) The Matrix Revolutions
(x) Animatrix
() Evil Dead
() Evil Dead 2
() Team America: World Police
() Red Dragon
(x) Silence of the Lambs
(x) Hannibal
Total so far: 80

Now Add them up and…
Put “I’ve seen … out of 239 films” in the subject line and repost it.

a poem….

An Angels Poem

Mom please don’t feel guilty
It was just my time to go
I see you are still feeling sad
And the tears just seem to flow

We all come to earth for our lifetime
And for some it’s not many years
I don’t want you to keep crying
You are shedding so many tears

I haven’t really left you
Even though it may seem so
I have just gone to my heavenly home
And I’m closer than you know

Just believe that when you say my name
I’m standing next to you
I know you long to see me
But there’s nothing I can do

But I’ll still send you messages
And hope you’ll understand
That when your time comes to cross over
I’ll be there to take your hand

And here I sit…

Coughing. It is 3 in the morning and I can’t sleep. I really wish I could take nyquil. I would drink the whole bottle. Just for a couple hours of sleep. That would be so nice.

I went to the hospital and got some anitbiotics. But, they said it would take a couple of days for them to kick in. They felt uncomfortable giving me cough medicine because of my clotting issue and the pregnancy together. So, first thing when my doctor opens, I am going to call them and see what they say. Hopefully they can get me something. That would be nice.

I have tried sudafed it does absolutely nothing for me.

N O T H I N G

I think it is useless. I think it is just a sugar pill and you are supposed to will it to work. Well, my will isn’t working.

Yesterday I dozed off long enough for Mikayla to decided she wanted to take the puppies out and play with them. I was awaken by all kinds of squawking. That was fun. But, she did really well with them. Even got them some food and was feeding them.

They are all squawking right now because I am up. I really should go play with them but, they make me cough more when I am around them.

Well, this is my hodge podge doesn’t make any sense post.

Have a great day everyone!!

Blog Block…

I do have a few things that I could write about but, they are personal and I am not sure that I would like to share them just yet. I go back and forth about how much I want to share about my family. I know my blog is supposed to be about just that, but, there are some things I don’t want out there so to speak.

I will say that all my girls are home and none of them will be staying with their dad anymore. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to know that, I don’t have to take them back and forth. I don’t have to hear the well, I don’t live here crap they kept trying to pull. It has only been a few days, but, we are all getting along so nicely. I can’t believe it. I thought that they would fight me on this, but, they aren’t. Not one bit. It is kinda like they are relieved to be back too. And in some ways they probably are.

I so get to rock their world today when they get home from school because I am going to have a wonderful little chore chart ready for them. They have been warned, they groaned, they probably think I will forget. OH boy are they sadly mistaken.

My pregnancy is going great. I feel the baby every day which is just wonderful, but, weird at the same time. I think sometimes if I forget I am pregnant that it will go faster and there won’t be any complications, but, then, I feel a little blip blip. Can’t ignore my little peanut anymore.

I have been eating right and stuff, so don’t worry about that. I still know I am pregnant even though, sometimes I try to forget. And I do want this baby more than anything. That isn’t the issue. It is just the getting of the baby from the belly to my arms that I am having trouble dealing with. I am always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I am 18 weeks now, tomorrow I will be 19 weeks. I can’t wait until I pass that 26 weeks mark. Which will be in 6 weeks. Then maybe I can breathe better. But, first I have to make it passed the U/S on the 13th. We are going to make sure they really check the heart, the kidneys, the lungs and everything. I have questions upon questions.

Hubby and I are still mulling over names. Here are the top contenders in no particular order. Victoria Elizabeth, Aiden James, Phillip Eugene, Isabella Johanna, and Jasmine Rian.

Everyone have a wonderful day!