Repost: Remembering….

I posted this last January. I had it password protected and never shared it. I think I am ready to share now. I wrote this 8 months after he had passed away. You might need tissues. I did anyway. lol

I have been thinking for weeks and weeks about stuff. Yes, this is about Johnathan, just to warn you.

I just here lately have been able to process a lot of things and my sometimes manic thinking from that time. He has been gone now for a little over 8 months. I remember thinking through out it all. God has a plan. And I told God what that plan was. I said God, I have read this somewhere before in the bible. I told him all about Abraham and Isaac and saying I know what you are doing you are trying to find out if I am faithful enough to you. This is a test Lord, and I am going to pass it. JT was yours long before he was mine. He is yours, everything about him is yours. I am offering him to you and I know you will do your WILL. I just knew that at the ninth hour JT would be healed. I just knew it. You couldn’t tell me no different. Well, then came the day that my life came crashing down and it was about 2 days before he past away. I just sat there praying before I went to bed well, more like talking but, that is what praying is. And I just knew in my heart that God’s plan for JT was to go home with him. Not me his mother. The person God chose to take give birth to him. I was sooooooo mad. So, I told God. Mind you there is alot of telling God about me. Which, gets you no where I might add. You don’t let him suffer anymore. I said God I can see it in his eyes. I can see that he is tired. No matter how much he smiles and just seems content, I can see in his eyes that he is so tired. Just please God let me be there so that I can say goodbye and hold his hand and get him through this. Purely selfish reasons why I wanted to be with him. But, I am human. I know that if he passed away before I got there I know he wasn’t alone because his Heavenly Father would lead him home. But, it was just something that I needed to be able to do. and I do believe not because of my demanding nature that I plead with God to let me be there but, because he loves me that he allowed me to be a witness to his passing on to his new home. And yes, it was a hard, heartwrenching moment when I knew my little boy was gone, but, it was also a time to celebrate. Celebrate in the fact that he was free and whole and healed and riding on the shoulders of our Heavenly Father. It didn’t take away the hurt and the anger because oh yes, I had a lot of that. and I still do, but, it helped me to know that someone better than me his mother had him now. If any of you could have seen the smile on his face when he left us you would understand that there is a God out there.

I can understand now what it must have been like for God to send us his son, to die for us. Mere sinners. People who didn’t deserve to eat off of his shoes to save us so that we can live in his glory and his love and his righteousness forever. How much it must have hurt him to see him strung up on that cross and beaten, for all to see. I guess it took losing my son to see what a sacrifice that is.

Believe me I had faith before this happened. I was a believer I was trying to live the life God would want me too. But, it all boils down to the fact that I AM a sinner. But, I AM a child of GOD and I choose to be a believer in the faith. Something that has rich rewards in the next life. Because of the sacrifice and the blood shed for me.

Because of my son I can see clearer, I can hear God’s word clearer. I know that even though I am a sinner, with him all things are possible.

God, needed JT to be sent here for a time for some reason. I might not never know that reason, but, I do know that he didn’t take him because he didn’t love me or JT but, because he does love us.

I remember after JT died, I just wanted to lay down and die so that I could just see him and hold him and smell him again. I felt this way until a couple of months ago. Now, I don’t so much want to die. I just want to hold him again. I never really understood the whole my arms ached so bad to hold my baby. I never understood that until now. Because they do ache. They ache to hold a little boy that graced us with his love, but for a few months.

I know that ache will probably never go away. I will probably feel it forever. I can live with that knowing that when I am called home I can hold him again.

I don’t know where this post is going anymore. I guess I just needed to write and that is what I did.
I really went way off from what I wanted to say but, I guess what I did say is what was meant to be said.

Thanks for reading.


One Response

  1. I read this when you posted in January and again now and it moved me to tears both times. I will never forget how you described JT’s smile as he met Jesus in your email to me shortly afterwards.

    HUGS…I can’t give you much more than that, but my heart is with you…

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