Just laying it all out there…

I was watching Dr. Phil today and it was how to fight fair with your spouse. And I about got sick. Because I saw myself in that woman. Angry about everything her husband does fighting and bringing up the past. Throwing stuff in his face about things that make no sense. And the big one telling him that I want a divorce at least 2 – 3 times a week.

I am probably going to get slammed for admitting this and that is ok, because I deserve it.

But, things have changed in our relationship this past oh I would say year and a half. I am not happy most of the time. I would say that I am depressed and angry. Because I feel anger following behind me all the time. It’s always back there waiting for my husband to say some innocent little thing that will set me off. Oh and my children are not immune to it either.

There are times they are just doing their job being children and I just snap and start screaming at them. It’s not their fault but, I feel like one of those abusive people I used to see and go oh my, what are they thinking.

I am not the person that I was before. I can pretend that I am but, I know that I am not. I don’t feel the same I don’t act the same. Heck I don’t even look the same.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and children very much. They are everything to me. And it is me it isn’t them. They are just doing what they have always done. Although the smart alec stuff has been perfected since they have gotten older. But, still the kids are just being kids.

I have approximately 5 months until this new one gets here and I do not want peanut born into this chaos that I have created for myself and my family.

So, I am going to fix it. I am going to get back into counseling and work on me. I have to fix me before I can even think to try to fix anything else.

I am not a psychologist but, I think that I am just good old fashioned depressed. I am alway tired, I am always grumpy, I don’t see the point in things. It has to be a really good reason to get me to leave the house. I only get out for doctor appointments. Anything else I bow out of, I pretend I am sick or just plain tired, or I have nothing to wear. You name it I have used it as an excuse. Well, NO more.

My family deserves the real me and if I have to die trying that is what they are going to get!

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8 Responses

  1. I just wanted to let you know that I completely understand (at least the depression part of it) my mom died unexpectedly last year at only 56 and even though I was grieving rightfully I became a very angry person who was mean to my husband mean to my children and very withdrawn. I got some help in Dec. (antidepressants and talking to someone) and I feel much better. I hope you are able to get the help you are wanting. Lots and lots of hugs!!!

  2. Bobby…first off…HUGS…big ones…

    Secondly, I admire you for your honesty and wilingness to share. Many of us have skeletons in our closets that we are too proud to admit but I really believe that when we are honest with ourselves and with God, that is the time when he comes in and turns things around.

    Just remember it is by his grace that we can do anything. You can pull yourself up by your bootstraps with all your might but in the end it is simply drawing near to God and letting his enabling grace flow into a situation that will bring change.

    HUGS again … and thanks for your friendship. I don’t tell you often enough how much I appreciate you.

  3. I think you are very strong to admit these things here & very wise to be able to see it & take the initiative to help yourself! 🙂

    ICLW

  4. No lashes here, sweetie. It sounds exactly like depression. Think of all you’ve been through! Maybe you could find an outlet to release some of that anger? I’ll be praying for you and if you ever need an ear, I’m here 🙂

  5. I sympathize with a lot of that. I think the depression and anger sneak up and we become different people without even seeing it happen. I haven’t come up with a good way to deal with it – counseling sounds like a good idea. I feel like I’ve made a tiny bit of progress recognizing that there’s a problem at all and trying to call out what’s really hurting me. But I have a long way to go. I hope you’re able to reclaim your old self.

  6. I admire you for admitting/seeing there is a problem. You are an amazing woman, Bobbie, and a great mom. Take some time to deal with things. HUGS, my friend.

  7. It takes a lot of bravery to say these things “out loud” (even on the blogosphere). A book that I have found to be very helpful is “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner.

    Try to be kind to yourself.

  8. My depression has gone so deep that I suffer from psudeo dementia – so please get help. I not only see a therapist but I see a physciatrist as well who oversees the medication. It is sometimes necessary to get medication to help the chemical imbalance one experiences (if necessary).

    I am doing much better but recognize I have a long way to go. T here are many things you can do to help the depression. Here are a few tips:

    Get plenty of light into the house, go outside at least 2 times a day for 15 minutes.

    Music helps tremendously if it is upbeat and uplifting.

    Exercise – When I was pregnant, I walked over a mile every day, weather permitting. (I had a very short labor time) LOL

    Sleep – it is essential to get enough sleep so you are able to cope with things and not be so tired.

    Organization – Get the help of family, friends etc. and make sure your home is organized to a point where it functions easier.

    Assignment of tasks – Don’t hesitate to have a family meeting and assign each one chores to do. Find out what they do best and how they much do their best.

    Moves/TV etc. – Watch good movies, heart warming, comical etc. Programs containing violence does not help with depression.

    Communication – Find someone to talk things over with that can have a listening ear.

    Most importantly – Ask God to help you through this valley.

    Be Patient – It takes time to heal.

    Be good to yourself – take time for “time alone”

    Hope this helps.

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