Feeling guilty…

Yep, you read it. Feeling guilty. I feel guilty that I am so excited about Tori-Beth, and in a couple of weeks it will be JT’s 2 year Angelversary. Angelversary, I know he isn’t an angel. He is himself. So, don’t bash me on that.

I am really excited to meet her and for the baby shower and for everything to do with having a new baby and new life and new little person to get to know and nurture and love and all the frustration that goes with it but, in the back of my mind is always that nagging guilt. What about JT?

So, I have decided that he’s gonna be there too, when she is born. I am going to smuggle a picture of him in the operating room with me. And I am going to dig out a blanket of his and take it with me too so that she can use it. That might sound terrible to some but, I want my whole family together when she is born and I think that is a way to include him also. Sort of like a passing down to the others of something that the older ones have used. I have been thinking about this alot and it will make me feel a lot better to do this and know that he isn’t forgotten just because we are adding a new member to the family.

I still have nightmares of something going wrong with this pregnancy. Even though I am almost at the end but, that doesn’t even promise anything. I just need to keep praying, trust, and have faith. But, it is so hard to do when you know what can go wrong. Sometimes I wish I was still ignorant to the fact that bad things can happen to babies. and children. But, I am not so, I just need to kick myself and deal with it. Which I have. And I am.

So, Mister Bubbas, with the chunky monkey cheeks and the sweet fat rolls, eat some chocolate pudding for mommy, because you know she can’t. lol.

This is the day, that the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!

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3 Responses

  1. I don’t think it sounds terrible to have part of JT there for his new little sister…I think its a great idea ❤

    I’ve been thinking about you and praying for you ❤

    Hugs 🙂

  2. I think it’s great that you’re bringing JT with you. I know that although he’s gone, he is surely not forgotten. I also think it’s okay to be excited about Tori-Beth. She’s a gift from God, just as much as JT was, even though he was only here for a short time.

    (((hugs)))

  3. Hey, Bobbie! I think you’re very creative and just a mom wanting to have all your family together. Natural, normal, and a God-given desire. I’m so excited to hear your excitement of Tori-Beth. How beautiful! I’ll be praying everything goes well. I’ll also be praying that your May memories of JT’s Angelversary will be sweet and bring continued heart healing.

    Kristin

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