Just like her brother….

When Johnathan was about 7 months old he had his first bottle ever it was 5 cc’s of pedialyte. This is what they call a trophic feed because well, it doesn’t do anything and it was just so that he could experience a bottle feed. He ate through a G-tube which is a long tube inserted through his nose into his stomach. We fought for those bottles and the first bottle was a really great experience we all enjoyed it even JT. He was scheduled to be fed like that twice a day. Well, the next few bottles let’s just say he didn’t like it at all. As soon as he seen the bottle he would start coughing and I don’t mean little coughs, he would cough like he was trying to cough up a lung. So, we decided the best thing to do would be to just discontinue the bottle. He never coughed again. lol. Besides he was getting his dum dum pops and that helped with his oral therapy.

Well, Little Miss Tori-Beth has decided she doesn’t like juice. No kind of juice what so ever. Not even in her cereal. I tried to disguise it but, nope she doesn’t like it at all. She will get very excited when she sees her bottle, but, when she sees the color of the liquid she will start coughing. Now, how crazy is that?? She will even start coughing when I give her her cereal with it in there. I am not sure if she can tell by the texture or what but, well…. she is just like her brother.

I can find all of the girls in her but, was having a hard time finding her brother in her. Unless you count the gigantic cheeks. She is getting droopy dog cheeks just like her brother had. But, the juice thing. I really think God has a wonderful sense of humor to make her do that. He always knows when I need a big laugh and he gave it to me and gave me a special gift to. I can now say, she is just like her brother.

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I prayed…

Before you were born, I prayed. Oh Lord please give me a son, let him be someone that everyone can be proud of and live a life that will touch people and show them your love. When there were complications, I prayed Oh Lord, please just make him well. When you were in the NICU, I prayed, Oh Lord, please let him Live. During your surgeries I prayed Oh Lord, please just let him make it through. When we knew you were struggling I prayed, Oh Lord, give him strength. When you were happy, I prayed Oh Lord, let him keep this joy. When I was not there I prayed Oh Lord, let him remember me and know that I love him. When it was getting close to then end I prayed Oh Lord, please don’t let him go alone. Let me be there to hold him and usher him in to his new life with you. When he was gone, I prayed, Oh Lord, thank you so much for the gift that you gave me in my son. You answered all of my prayers. You gave him life, you let him live, he touched many people and showed them that God is love and God works. People that didn’t even know him Loved him. People that had never prayed before turned to you. Thanks you so very much for everything that you gave me and thank you so much for loving my son enough to know when enough is enough. And thank you Lord for giving me the strength to say enough and to be able to love him and hand him over to you.

Without YOU Lord, I would have not made it through. My son, would not have made it through. You gave us strength and wisdom. You guided our every decision, and I thank you. Amen.

After you were gone my prayers turned to Oh Lord, please help me make it through. Help me to live, help me to show that even though something so precious was taken from me, that I can survive. Please carry me through this grief. Help me to know that my son is gloriously happy, Let me know it and believe it, not just something that rolls off of my lips, to make other people feel better.

Now, my prayers are thanksgivings Oh Lord, thank you for Johnathan, he is still a part of heart. Thank you for not letting me or my family for get him. Thank you for letting me see what a vessel he was to my faith. Thank you Lord, for all the blessings that you bestow upon me. Even if I don’t see that they are blessings at the time. And thank you Lord, for answering my prayers the way that You seen fit to answer them. In your time and not my time. Thank you for giving me the patience and perserverence to follow through and thank you for the open heart that you gave me to be able to hear and listen you when you talk to me. Thank you In Jesus Name, Amen!

I prayed.

I miss my boy today. Just because I do. But, I can pray and talk to God and he hears me and he lessens the blow of grief that tries to sucker punch me even now a little over two years since he has been gone. Grieving is for the ones left on this earth we grieve for what we don’t have. I know without a doubt that JT is sooo happy in heaven right now. But, as a mother, I will always miss him. He was and still is a part of me. I will forever be called his mother whether he is here or not. But, when I get to where the grief is about to consume me. I pray. He lessens my load. And I thank HIM.

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