Doncha know???

We all know JT died. But, do you know what??? He lived too. 8 1/2 months of life. 8 1/2 of the most heartwretching, frustrating, wonderful, awfully blessed, sometimes outrageous, loving, awesome months of my life. I have been looking back at the things that I have wrote about JT and most of them of course center around my grief and loosing him. But, I haven’t really lost him completely. He is living eternally in Heaven and we will all be together soon. Although it may not seem like it but, this lifetime we have is short, it may seem long but, in the end it is but, a blink of an eye.

When Tori was born, which she is going to be 5 whole big months tomorrow, I can’t believe it! She is getting so big and learning something new everyday. But, when she was born, I kept thinking she isn’t going to be with me long, I am not going to be able to take her home when I leave. Then I took her home. Then I thought this isn’t real. Something is going to happen. God doesn’t love me enough to let me keep her. I was centering in on her death. I have thought about this for the past weeks. How, I center in on death now, more than ever. I am afraid all my kids are gonna go somewhere and that will be the last time I see them. It is very frightening.

So, I was praying and asking God to lift this from my heart to take this fear from me. And then it hit me. Until I can stop centering in JT’s death, then death is going to be in my thoughts constantly. I think God hit me with that one. He has a habit of doing that. I can’t be told things gently, sometimes, you have to just bang me over the head with it.

I felt a great load off of my shoulders after that. It is great to just remember JT. Not the day he died but, the other days. The memories are still, so vivid. I haven’t forgotten them. All the funny things that happened. All the terrifying things that happened. But, more importantly, I remember my son, little ham that he was. With peace in his eyes and joy in his heart, because that is the only way that he knew how to be.

Over the next few days, I think I might write some memories of him. Because I want to and because this is the month of Thanksgiving and I want everyone to know how thankful I am to have had a son as awesome and precious as JT.

Have a great day everyone!!! God Bless!!!

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One Response

  1. How absolutely beautiful. I pray that this will be a new beginning for you. There is a great deal to be thankful for even in this situation. Blessings to you my friend as you recall all the good things you shared with your little one.

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