more entries from xanga

Sunday, June 17, 2007

JT outside (montage)

Here is a link to a new montage.   It has music.  It is pics of all of us when we took him outside. 

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=2f4ba792575307dc17d6ee&skin_id=0&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url

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Thursday, June 14, 2007

Crazy Dreams.

I have been having some weird whacky dreams.   All about being pregnant.  I blame it on someone whom we are waiting to have a baby.   Woman have that little man so these will stop.  lol.  

They are about me having a baby.  I was in the NICU arguing with my Retta.  She was telling me that I needed to go love my baby and hold him and let him know that I am here.  I told her NOPE, not gonna do it.  I told her to take him.  She doesn’t have any kids and she would take great care of him.  She told me no I am Aunt Retta.   Not Momma Retta.  I argued with her and told her I can’t and will not under no circumstances love another baby.  I didn’t want another baby and wasn’t having that one.  She could put it back.  My whole dream was Retta arguing with me.  I remember her jerking my face up and telling me that I was going to be this baby’s mother and there was nothing that I could do about it.  I will go over there and hold him and she plopped him in my arms.  All I could see was eye lashes and thought how much they reminded me of JT’s long and curly.  Then she told me she was going to go get the buggy and we were going home.  Then I woke up. 

Bobbie is having no more babies.  I don’t want anymore and I am not let me repeat not pregnant.  Good now that we have that cleared up.  lol

I am writing a book about my NICU experience.  Retta thought that I should.  I am starting at the beginning, with my pregnancy.  I have journals full of how I was feeling and what was going on.   I love to write.  I wasn’t going to do it but, I thought why not. I started writing and couldn’t stop.  Now, whether it ever comes into print is another thing.  But, it will be a great tool to me.  I have wonderful memories and reading them and knowing what all we have survived and been through and the heartbreak, and the joyous moments.  I see where I have grown in the Lord.  I put all of my faith and trust in him.   He did what was right and He did it beautifully.  I couldn’t have asked for more.  That sounds like a weird sentence doesn’t it?    I would explain but,  I have no words for that.  The people that were there know and he sent us everyone that we needed to get through this.  And we are getting through it.  Good Days Bad Days Extremely Hard Days.  But, we are getting through it.  

I promise my next blog entry I will write about something else because I know everyone is sick of hearing about me and JT.  I shove it down people’s throats and I don’t mean to.  But, I think that is my way of keeping his memory alive for me. 

March of Dimes

I am starting early on the March of Dimes Walk.  I am designing T=shirts and we will be raising funds through out the whole school year.  So, if anyone would like to walk with us and help raise that would be great.  You will get a t-shirt with JT’s photo on it.  Great incentive.  At least I think so.  I have been looking through the SHARE community on the March of Dimes web site and have came up with some really good ideas.  Now, to make them I am sure that I can.  I just have to put my mind to it. 

Well, that is all from me today.  My kids are moving around upstairs and I know little miss crazy woman known as Mikayla will be down here in a minute going Eat mommy Eat.  

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Saturday, June 09, 2007

Putting it all together

Well, it has been a few days.  My lovely children spilled something on my keyboard and killed it.  I was pushing stuff and 3 or 4 letters and numbers were showing up.  I finally convinced my husband to go buy another one.  I mean it is only our 3 one in 2 weeks.  What is the problem?  lol. 

I have to tell a story.  So, here it is.

I was driving around the cemetary about  a week and a half ago and I noticed this grave marker.  It looked really big and by golly, I recognized the name on it.  When I was 15 – 18 I had volunteers that came and did things with me.  Their names were Jean and Howard.  They were the cutest older couple.  They wore matching clothes and they just loved each other.  They grew to love me also. I became a part of their family.  It was nice to be wanted because back then, nobody did.  I had lost touch with them over the years.  I knew Howard had passed away, but, I didn’t know where he was buried and I stumbled upon it.  I really think it was shining bright because there was a reason I needed to find it.  That day I was really down because I didn’t have any family in that cemetary, and I was upset because JT was by himself with no family.  I tell you the Howard’s headstone looked 20 feet high.  Seriously, I can’t explain it.  It looked really big. At least as tall as me.  I got out, and even walked up there and payed my respects and talked to him awhile and explained why I was there.  It really is comforting to sit in a cemetary and just talk.  Then, I left.  I was going to go visit Jean sometime that week.  I didn’t get around to it until Sunday and well, Sunday she wasn’t home all day.  So, Thurday, when we went to go pick out JT’s headstone, which is going to be beautiful, let me add that.  Timmy and Stacey and I decided to go and visit JT and then I went to show them Howard’s grave. 

Well….. his headstone is not as big as I thought it was the first time I seen it.  It only comes up to my hip.  Why did it seem so big to begin with?  I think I needed comforted and someone showed me the way.  WE all know who that was.  lol. 

We went right that second to Jean’s house.  She was home and I told her all about JT and she told me all about Howard and how lonely she has been feeling.  He has been gone for 4 years now, and she still feels like he is going to be coming home.  They had been married for 53 years.  Can you believe that?  How awesome. We talked and she had some great words of comfort to give me and I her.  She also, would like for me to drop the kids by and for me to just take some me time.  Whether that be go to the cemetary or to just go do something for myself.  She said she would enjoy it so much.  She loves kids and they wouldn’t be a problem.  I am going to start visiting her once a week from now on.  We already set it up.  I think this will help both of us. 

There are lights shining all around me to help me with my grief, I just need to look up and stop walking with my head down and worrying that people can’t handle it and just open up.  I have been trying to do this.

She is also going to help me with praying in front of people.  She has the same problem.  She is afraid that she would say the wrong thing or not have anything to say.  She also said that she went to bible study at a couples house that I met through them for 34 years and never once did she pray out loud, but, she is going to help me and help herself in the process.  She is such a great woman, I don’t understand how I lost contact with them. 

Well, there is my story.  I hope you enjoyed it. 

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Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Ground hog day

Well, I am cleaning again today.  Because yesterday, I was interupted because my 2 year old decided to take some of my daughter’s friend’s ADHD and Bi-polar mediacation.  She took two of them.  There was 4 in the pill holder.  I fished the lithium out of her mouth thank you Jesus. 

I rushed her to the ER and they gave her charcoal through an NG tube.  They were trying to explain to me what an NG was.  ha ha.  JT had one of those and I also put them in frequently.  I almost grabbed it from her and put it in myself.  She slept for 6 hours.  They were going to keep her but, she woke up and was her usual ornery self.  She tried to stab Timmy with her SAT probe.  So, she was fine.  They just watched vitals for an hour and sent us on our way.  I was so scared.  I kept thinking oh my goodness, I can’t do this again.  I can’t watch my baby die.  You should never have to do that.  Then, I mentally smacked myself in my head and started praying.  I held her hand and prayed for all I was worth.  I didn’t bargain, I didn’t plead, I just asked.  Then, I told God, this is in your hands, You have control over this situation.  Nothing I do will fix this.   After 6 hours of praying, She woke up ornery and crazy. 

Prayer was going to be my subject for today.  I really have a lot to say about it.  This was just another prayer answered. 

Prayer is our connection with God just like the Bible.  This is the time that we talk with him and tell him our fears and joys and ask for healing or for comfort or for the affairs of the world.  We ask for protection of those around us. 

I talk to God like I would a father.  That is what he is.  But, I never had one on this earth.  Well, of course I did but, he didn’t and still doesn’t take an active part in my life.  I started about 9 I would talk to God.  My Grandmother thought I was crazy and talking to myself.  But, alot of things had happened to me in my life at the point and I needed comfort and I turned to god. 

I have a hard time praying in public.  It is not something that I can do.  I take prayer personally and it is something that is between God and me.  There is a verse in the Bible  it talks about not boastful and take your prayers to your prayer closet and I think that I have just taken that to heart. 

I found the verse: 

Matthew 6:6 (New International Version)

 

6But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

In the KJV it is prayer closet. 

But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly

I only used KJV until I stumbled upon NIV. 

I need to work on praying outloud.  I have a hard time talking in front of people.  And prayer is so personal for me that it would be too hard to do, but, I am going to work on it.  Maybe this Thanksgiving I will be able to do the prayer for Thanksgiving dinner. 

But, this is something I feel I really need to work on. 

JT taught me so many things.  He had so much courage.  I wish I had half of what he had.  He was a miracle.  I know his courage came from all the prayers we had going for him.  We had people as far as Australia praying for him.  And as high up as Canada.   And everywhere in between.  You wouldn’t believe the e-mails I recieved.  From the 17th to the 19th I had over 217 e-mails and these came from all over the US and beyond.  It was amazing to see how many people he touched.  This one little child.  And they were all united in one way.  They were praying.  Praying for JT.  A few people told me that people that had never prayed had prayed for JT and brought about a relationship with God.  How amazing is that?  Just awesome I tell you. 

Remember the baby?  The one sent to save us?  Jesus Christ.  With him we can do anything.  You just have to accept him as your saviour.  Let him come into your heart and let him start working. He’ll help you and show you the way.   He hears your prayers.  He even hears prayers you can’t put words too. Your spirit calls out to him and will connect you with him.   It is the most amazing relationship you will ever had. 

Ok, I’ll get off of my soap box.  Nothing here probably makes sense to anyone but, these are my thoughts. 

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Monday, June 04, 2007

Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning

Cleaning.  Today, I am working on cleaning.  The house.  But, it got me to thinking how I need to clean up my life also.   JT has been gone for 18 days now.  For the past 9 months, I have not been a productive member of my family.  They have gotten into their own routines, ones that I have not been a part of,  different rules.  None of which I know.  My whole life was centered around Johnathan and caring for him and learning all about his illnesses and surgeries and care and weekends were spent with him.   I just wasn’t here.   Now, I have to learn how to be home and with my family and where my place is and how to fit . 

I know I am the mother, but, I honestly haven’t been here.  Even if I was home, my heart and mind was still at the hospital.  I was always worried that his diaper was wet and noone hand changed it or, what if he is crying and no one hears him.  I leaned on God alot which is what you are supposed to do to make sure his needs were met when I wasn’t there.  But, I am a mother so, I worried about him even so.

I would just plain miss holding him and looking at him. 

I miss holding him looking at him, smelling him, changing his ostomy and emptying it, giving him baths, taking his temp and BP and playing with him and asking him yes and no questions to see how he would answer.  I called him my magic 8 ball baby.  He was so smart and observive (is that a word?).   He loved being around people and he loved people talking to him.  

My heart is just so broken right now.  And it always will be.  I know we will be together again.  All of us as a family.  When we meet in heaven it will be the most glorious time.  I will meet him and our saviour Jesus Christ and God.  I couldn’t think of 3 people I would want to see more.   I mean come on now, Jesus, the man who died for our sins.  Who took all of our sins on his shoulders.  Shed his blood for us.  What a priviledge it will be.   God, creator of all, loving, caring, disciplinarian when he has to be but, in a kind loving way.   Johnathan my son, my only son born of me.  

I prayed so hard for a son when I was pregnant with JT.  I had 4 girls, so, I though a boy would be nice.  Ya know.  He answered that prayer.  I prayed for him to survive that 1 night.  The docs didn’t give him 24 hours, he did.  Everything that I prayed for was answered.

My prayer for him to go home that was answered.  Just it wasn’t to my home.  It was to the Lord’s home. Which is now JT’s home. 

A couple days before JT passed away, I said a prayer for God to just end his suffering to heal him and take him home.  I could just look into JT’s eyes and see the pain he was in.  But, smiling he was as he always was.  I said God, if it is your will that you take JT to heaven with you, please just end his suffering.  Just don’t let him go alone and give us time with him to tell him we love him and that we always will.  That prayer was answered.  

I prayed that prayer because I knew at the time that the time was near.   You can just feel it sometimes and I knew.  I prayed that prayer on a Tues night and Wednesday, JT went into septic shock.  I spent the last night with him and everyone else came up Thursday and spent the day with him.  We rocked him, kissed him, hugged him, told him how much we loved him and always would.  Told him to stop fighting.  He tried not to.   Then at 5:15p.m.  My baby left this world with a smile on  his face.   You could tell the moment because it was like someone grabbed his hand and he felt the love and warmth.  and it was just beautiful.   Knowing that my son, had met Jesus.  He is watching over us, eating chocolate and free from all the pain and procedures and iv’s and oxygen and blood and medicines.  That is what I wanted for him.  To be healed and that prayer was answered. 

More on prayer later.  This really got long.  lol.

 

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Well, this has been one tough week.  I don’t know why but, everything is aggitating me.  I think that everything is just getting to me.   So, I am going to have the hubby watch the kids and go relax.  How do I do that though?  hmmm…….  Good question. Any Ideas?  I am plum out.  lol.

Potty training is stressful because little crazy girl has to go all of the time.  She has to wash her hands before and after and brush her teeth.  So between all of that and trying to get the stuff at home done and the stuff at school and still find time to spend with my children and getting up to see Johnathan I am just not fairing to well. But, I just pray about it and The Lord sees me through everyday. I wouldn’t have made it this far without him. 

Well,that is all for today.  Really I am going to get this blogging thing down yet.   lol.

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

It has taken me forever to figure out how to make another entry.  I just wasn’t looking in the right place.  lol.  

Well, Johnathan is back in Dayton.   I am glad but, sad at the same time.  I am happy that he is closer, but, sad that I don’t get to be there with him all the time and take care of him and be his mom.  He is back in the NICU and I know he is missing his tv. He loves Fox News.  Really, he does.  Weird for a 6 month old.  And I know he is going to miss his Temptations.  I think I am going to take him a cd player up there so that he can hear them every now and then. 

Tomorrow, he will be getting dedicated.  I am so happy.  I have been wishing for this to happen and with him being in the hospital and not able to go to church, I couldn’t see how this would happen.  But, my church just stepped right up and said we will come to you.  Isn’t that awesome??? Yes, Awesome is my new word.  It explains things that I think are more than fantabulous. 

My girls are with their dad right now,   I only have Mikayla at home.  She is my 2 year old.  She is so neat.  And has a mind of her own.   It is so weird going from 4 kids to just one.  I have had my girls with me all of their lives and have been the only one to take care of them.  Their dad hasn’t been a steady presence in their lives.  He wants to be more involved now and I am giving him the opportunity because well, they need their dad.  I pray that he doesn’t mess up and break their hearts.

Well, I have to start my day.   Toodles. 

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Monday, March 05, 2007

new one

Well, this is my first attempt at this.  With the boards closing everyone is starting a blog at various different places and I am see which ones are user friendly.   So here is this one. 

Jinkies I really wrote alot at Xanga, there will be more. lol

Friday, June 29, 2007

I just wanted to write down the lyrics to the song we played at JT’s funeral.  It says alot to me.  We love the Temptations here and this is the song that Smokey wrote for Blue or Melvin Franklin the bass singer when he passed away.  It just seemed to fit.   We also played this for him when we knew he was gone.   We played all the temptations songs during the time when we were saying good bye.  He loves them and I know it helped calm him.  He loved rockin out to them.  lol. 

So, I am not a lyrics writer so, I tried to do it in some sort a way to look like song verses but, you know I am not good at that.  

Here they are:

REALLY GONNA MISS YOU

SMOKEY ROBINSON

REALLY GONNA MISS YOU

IT’S REALLY GONNA BE DIFFERENT

WITHOUT YOU

TIME IS GOING TO BE

HARD AND SLOW

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

GONNA BE THINKING ABOUT YOU

YES I AM

TIME CAME WHEN YOU HAD TO GO

I’LL MISS YOU MY BUDDY

I’LL MISS YOU MY FRIEND

I PROMISE MY LOVE FOR YOU

WILL NEVER END

IN YOUR FINEST HOUR

I WAS THERE WITH YOU

AND WITHOUT YOU THINGS

WON’T BE THE SAME

BUT THERE’S A HIGHER POWER

THAT WE ANSWER TO AND YOU HEARD

HIM CALL YOUR NAME

REALLY GONNA MISS YOU

EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU

YOUR SMILIN FACE   YEESSSSS

I KNOW YOU WANT US ALL TO BE

STRONG

REALLY GONNA MISS YOU

I KNOW YOU’VE GONE TO THAT

MAGIC PLACE.   OH  YEAAHHHH

SINGING YOU A BRAND NEW SONG

I’LL MISS YOU MY BUDDY

I’LL MISS YOU MY FRIEND

I PROMISE MY LOVE FOR YOU

WILL NEVER END

REPEAT X’S 2

REALLY GONNA MISS YOOOOUUUUUUU

 

 

Anyone who knows me knows that JT was my buddy my friend my bubba my love.  He was a wonderful son and this says so much.  And yes, my love for him will never end.  

So, do you have a song that has special meaning to you?  It doesn’t have to be deep or anything.  Just some song that touches you for no reason at all even?

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Monday, June 25, 2007

New washer and dryer

Ok, I have this new washer and dryer for about oh 5 days.  Can I tell you I absolutely love it?  Seriously, it can wash 14 pairs of jeans.  And let me tell you we fit 17 pairs in there.  Ok, a few of them were Mikayla’s so, I guess they all count as one.  But, really and they dried so quickly.   I was amazed.  So, then, I tried our comforters.  Oh yeah, a queen size and a twin fit in there and still had some room.   I absolutely love it.  So, all that laundry that I have had backed up for oh say the last 10 months is almost completely done and that is with me only doing 4 loads a day.  I have two loads left.    I am so happy.  I thought I would never get done with the stuff. 

Ok, a little background the washer and dryer that we had was about 15 years old.  uh huh ancient.  Well, the washer decided it was done washing. It stopped full load of laundry full of water.  I was in a panic.  So, I just prayed about it and calmed down and went and told the hubby and guess what????   New washer and dryer. 

You don’t even know how badly we needed one of these big ones.  The laundry my kids can go through is outrageous.  I mean my hubby alone goes through two outfits a day.  Work clothes, home shower home clothes.  And the towels.  My goodness.  You just can’t even imagine. 

I am working on either an electric skillet or a kitchen aid mixer next.  I know in my dreams.  But, it is good to have a wish list and something to look forward to even if you know that it isn’t going to happen but, there is always that hope.  Right???  Someone agree with me here.  lol.

You know you are a mom when you call up your best friend and tell her she has to come over and see your new washer and dryer.

So, what do you wish for in the appliance department? 

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Sunday, June 24, 2007

Suppose to be in church

I am suppose to be in church.   I woke up late the alarm didn’t go off.  I get up and walk into the bathroom and there is my baby girl going potty with no help at all.  She said, I potty mommy!  Now, how much more happier could I be?  We have been battling this potty thing since last month.    She WAS completely potty trained so I thought.   HA HA on me, she decided nope not gonna do it anymore.  Well, we decided to try again and it has been going ok.  But, I am really excited she has gone on her own. 

I should be in church.   But, I am not.  I don’t understand. I get up at 5:30 – 6:00 every morning but, this morning.  I wake up and the clock said 9:35.  I am so angry at myself for over sleeping.  

I want to be at church.   But, I guess this week I am not going to be.   Obviously because here I sit.   I am going to have to go figure out what is wrong with that alarm clock.   I hope I set it.  I am pretty sure I did.  But, you know, maybe I didn’t.

well, off I go to pray and study my bible.  If I am not at church, I can have it here. 

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Saturday, June 23, 2007

Neat little scary story.

Ok, I just wanted to tell everyone a crazy little scary, but, comforting story.   I think my house is haunted.   No kidding.   Me and Mikayla stayed up late the other night because I was doing laundry.  I got this awesome new washer and dryer.  It does a lot of laundry, so, I was getting it all done.   You know when you get something new you have to play with it.  lol.   Anyway, we were sitting down watching, I think Jimmy Kimmel live.   I had been fighting with Mikayla all day long about JT’s blanket.   I didn’t want her to use it she wanted to use it.   It is the duck blanket, the one in the picture.  Well, I finally gave up.  I figure it is a blanket it needs to be used. 

So, Mikayla is dragging the blanket around on the floor, I had been telling her if she wanted to use it to sit down with it and not drag it.  Well, all of a sudden she is yelling no baby no baby.  The blanket is stuck in the middle of the floor and it looks like something is sitting on it nothing is. I am in shock.  She yelled no baby I scared and then it was like something let go of it and she fell down.   She got up on the couch and didn’t get back up.  Neither did I. 

Weird strange things have been happening around here.  I have woke up with JT’s rattle in my bed.   Harley has came in yelling at me because I “took” it from her. Uhh….no I didn’t. 

I was talking to Stacy and she said JT came home to visit.  He probably sat at the NICU waiting for me and since I didn’t show up he came and found me.  Ha ha ha ha. He is in Heaven right now, he doesn’t need to visit that is scary.   She was having a really fun time scaring me.  She knows I scare easily.  lol. 

But, think it crazy, whatever, something was sitting on that blanket.  I believe in ghosts oh yeah, because I believe in everything that can possibly scare me with the exception of vampires and werewolves.  That is so unbelievable.  Come on now, a bat turning into a blood sucking man.  Get real.   But, ghost are the only thing that i can not explain away. 

It could have been a figment of my imagination too.  who knows what that was.   Scared me so bad, I slept on the couch, with Mikayla.  I didn’t switch the laundry after that. lol.

So, that is my story.   I just thought I would give everyone a good laugh.   lol

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Thursday, June 21, 2007

BEAUTIFUL POEM

This poemwas written by a dear friend.   Any words I have can not do it any justice.

Written May 17th 2007

by Sandra Jean Lombard

God knew you little one

before you were conceived,

and so the Lord above sent you from Heaven

because there was a need.

 

 

Your parents loved you little one

and embraced your love anew,

with each day’s passing

their love for you grew.

 

 

While you were here on earth little one

you made friends far and wide,

because of a simple smile and

your heart of gold deep inside.

 

 

Though time was short little one,

we did not know for how long,

The Lord above would lend you to us

And then begin to call you home.

 

 

\You taught us lessons in life little one

Even though you were so small

Compassion and Patience

And the greatest gift of all

 

 

To love unconditionally

And remind us of Faith

bringing us closer to our children

With your loving grace.   

 

 

With every tear that shed

The day God called you home

Your memory lives on

because of what you have shown…

 

 

to a mother, afather,

a sister and a brother

a Grandparent, a friend

unlike no other…

 

 

It is true sweet little one,

What others have said,

“the smallest of packages

are not small but big.

 

 

You may have been small

In measure, but in heart

yours was the biggest

than any other part.

 

 

Go home little one

for God calls you now

In heaven there’s no wires,

No pain, just clouds.

 

 

Where you can run

and you can play

smile and laugh

throughout the day.

 

 

We will never stop loving you

Little one, never forget you

Baby Johnathan

On this day or any day thereafter….

 

 

With Love, the Lombard family, 

the Homeschoolforms.com family (DY forum)

and Homeschooling Moms family 

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and even more entries from Xanga

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Doctor’s Appt.

Today I go to the doctor’s.   I have to be there at 11.  But, here I sit.  I don’t want to go.  I abhor going to the doctor.  It is always let’s stick you.   But, I having alot of depression (obviously), and headaches and I think my thyroid is finally to the point where I need medication. I have been having heart palpatations and that in itself scares me.  I can’t sleep.   And when I do sleep it is just not good sleep.  I can hardly eat but, I still have gained like 10 pounds in the last 2 weeks. Don’t really understand that.  It is all probably associated with grieving but, I really need to make sure nothing else is going on. I also have to make an appt with the gyno because I really need to get my tubes tied.  Talk about paranoid.  I am.  But, here I sit and I should be in the shower.   My doc is only 3 minutes up the street but, I do have to go pick up my friend who is going to watch the girls.  She is only 3 blocks away.    so, that won’t take any time either.  Oh well, who knows.   None of the kids are up.   It is really quiet here and that may be why I am still sitting here.  I like the quiet.   I like the little bit of free time.  

Ok, here I go to get ready.  

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Sunday, July 08, 2007

RAMBLE ON………AND ON… AND ON…

I don’t know what to call this post.  I don’t understand why you have to make a title anyway…..

But, I have been sitting here just thinking and listening to Petra. I love them.  They can really rock.   I am so confused right now.  I don’t know what to do.  I think I am depressed.  I am not sure.  I just don’t know what to do.  I want to be by myself all the time.  I have no patience.  I guess I am just going through a phase.  Ha thought those were over once I reached adulthood. 

Now, I am listening to Rodney Adkins.  IF you’re going through hell.  Yep. I feel it.  I think, what else can be thrown at me???  I mean I just went through something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  Not that I have any.  But, you know what I mean.  Well, unless you count my step daughter’s great grandma.  She is really mean. 

I guess, it just comes down to I feel like I am not allowed to grieve.  Everyone thinks that I have had enough time.  Move on.  What the heck is that suppose to mean?? 

Plus, I am depressed at the moment too because Timmy is with his mom.  I get so scared when he goes over there.  I drove past (ok, call me a stalker), him his little cousin and his sister are outside with NO parental supervision lighting off bottle rockets.  Uh uh,,,,  is the woman out of her mind?  She has issues.  Really big ones.   I almost solved them for her.  But, no, I was calm about it.  I just took them from them, broke them in half, stuck them in my trunk, took the lighter and busted it on the ground.  There’s some sparks and pretty lights for you.  Calmly walked in there and told her that next time something like that happens she won’t never see him again.  Anyone of them could have been maimed or killed. 

Where was she you ask?  Laying on the couch watching tv.  What kind of parent does that?  Let me know. 

I don’t even let my children this includes Timmy touch lighters or matches.  I just don’t understand what is going on in some people’s heads. 

She told me that they knew what they were doing and what was the problem?  I just didn’t even try to explain it because well, it would have gotten me no where fast.   And I probably would have ended up deckin her the mood that I was in.  And believe me, I am not a violent person.   Unless, it comes to the saftey and security of my children.  Mess with my babies and well, you better watch out. 

I am friends with someone again and she has a lot of depression problems.  I think she is bringing me down.  Mostly because I am letting her.  My heart is hurting and I am letting her let me be depressed.   That made absolutely no sense, but, I know what I meant.

I have been praying vigilantly for the Lord to help me through all of this.  I know it is going to take a long time.  But, please I wish some of this hurt would go away.  It feels like it is getting worse and I am getting panicky.   I barely sleep anymore.  I barely eat to the point I think I am making myself sick.  I made a doctor’s appt it is Tues.  So, hopefully, I’ll get some help with this.  I am not one for going to the doctor’s or taking medication. So, hopefully she will give me an alternative to medication.   I don’t like junking my body up.   Well, ok, I am afraid to take medication.  I don’t like the way that it makes me feel.   I suffered after both c-sections because I didn’t want to take any pain medication.   I ripped the scripts up or got them filled and stared at them.  Do you realize after a surgery they give you vicodin like they are candy.  I kid you not, I got one with refills on it.   I mean come on it came with 30 pills.   Who needs that much?  I guess they have to make their money somewhere huh? 

Ok, now that i have rambled and gotten a lot of things off of my chest.  I feel sorry for anyone that really tried to follow that.   I do apologize.  OOOOHHHHH  I think I have come up with a title. 

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Monday, July 02, 2007

My heart is hurting

I don’t really know where to start.   Well, I guess at the beginning.  lol. 

About a week and a half ago, I was going through my 13 yo dd’s (Ashley’s) history on the computer.   I came across a website that she was a member of.  TeenSpot.com.   I was searching around and seen some really vulgar stuff.   Little 13 and 14 year old girls posing in underwear and bra’s claiming to be lesbians and such.  I was in shock. I mean, she knows where she is supposed to go on this thing and where she isn’t.  I called my bestest friend and talked to her about it.  I had no clue what to do well, except for the customary lecture and grounding.   I really wanted to smack her and ask her what the heck did she think she was doing.  

Well, we came up with the idea of setting her up and teaching her a lesson.  Stacy, went on there and made a profile.  She said she was a 13 year old girl.   You know made stuff up.   Like a pedophile would.   She started having conversations with her.    Like you know the usual.  What things do you like.   what grade etc…

Well, Saturday night we were all going to  a friends house.  She lives 3 blocks away.  Mikayla had fallen asleep, so, I told Ashley that she had to stay and watch Mikayla and to call when she woke up and I would come and get her.   I told her that she was allowed on the computer and not to go anywhere that she was not allowed to.

I than called Stacy and let her know that I was leaving.  

Well, in less than an hour’s time she got out of her what city that she lives in, that she is home alone, watching her baby sister and then she gives this person who she thinks is a 13 year old girl   our address.   

Stacy called me extremely upset.  I was too.  I just couldn’t believe that she would give that info to anyone.  She has been told repeatedly not to give out ANY personal information. 

Well, Ashley has only seen Stacy’s cousin Patrick a couple of times.   And we sent him up to the house.  Mind you she is not suppose to answer the door. And it is 10:00 at night.   She opens the door to him and oh boy did he scare her.   He said Are you Ashley?  She said yes, eye’s big, I was just talking to you on the internet, She is standing there door wide open.   He said a few other things to  her like stay off the internet.   Then he left.  The whole time we are hiding.  

Her first reaction should have been to call the police.   Which we alerted the police what we were doing in case she did the right thing and called the police.  

I am so disappointed in her right now, Also, scared and angry and few other things.   I mean she not only put herself in danger, but, her little sister too who was asleep on the couch.   She is no longer allowed to see the light of day.  Mike and I have sat around and talked and we are going to be spending more time as a family together.  Which means I get limited computer time.  I nor he is allowed on the computer, or the x-box or anything else this includes tv if the children are awake. 

Sun, Tues, Thurs  We are taking a family walk.

Wed – is family game night.

Friday is make your own pizza night

Saturday Afternoons is find something free in our city to do. (or surrounding areas)

Sunday- Church no exceptions.  I haven’t been going lately well, because once I woke up late and the rest of the last couple weeks we have had plans.   Well, no more. 

We have also institued wake up and go to bed times.  

Absolutely no computer for any of the children, not even a game.

We are going to sit down and talk to the children tonight about why all of this came about.  That way they can understand why all of a sudden they are on lock down. 

For the next week they are not allowed outside or to have friends over.  This way we can get our schedule flowing with out distractions..

Well, that is my internet story.  

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Friday, August 03, 2007

Had a meeting with my pastor yesterday.

It was a really good meeting. Stacy went with me because well, we are joined at the hip you know.  lol.  Just kidding.  We both had questions.  We got our questions answered.  And he even gave me a way to politely tell the JW’s to not come back.   So nice of him.  Because really, I can’t be mean.   It just isn’t me.   He also suggested that I read Hebrews.  And I have read to the 9th chapter and a lot of the questions that I have or had really are answered in there.  He showed me passages where the JWs change so that what they are saying sounds right.  But, it is out of context and where they should be reading as symbolic they read as literal and so on and so forth.   Very interesting conversation and very eye opening also.

He also gave me some prayers to help me out.  I have a hard time praying out loud “in front of people”   I don’t think those prayers will help me with that but, well, i love the prayers.  They did show me that a prayer is a prayer.  You don’t have to be fancy you just pray.  I really appreciate that. 

After we left there which we were there for an hour and a half and it just flew by.  He even said that if we had more questions and wanted to come back or if I just wanted to talk about JT then let him know and we can meet again.  How awesome is that? 

But, after we left there, I took Stacy to the cemetary and we visited Johnathan and looked at all the markers in the baby section.  I think cemetaries are beautiful and peaceful.  I would rather not be visiting my son there but, well, if it has to be there I am glad that he is in a beautiful and peaceful place.  I showed her the marker for Howard that I thought was so big which in actuality wasn’t.  She showed me where all her relatives were.   I think it was a great time.  This was the first time she had been there since he was buried and I wanted to be the one to take her.  I don’t know if she was ready or not but, I took her anyway.  I think that was selfish of me, but, I just thought it was something that she had to do. 

We also thanked him for letting us know that it was ok to be angry with God.  He has big shoulders and can take it.  He also said which I know but, I just need to hear it that Johnathan served his purpose.  There was a reason he was sent here and a reason that he was only here for 8 1/2 months.  I know this and I feel that is right in my heart and I know that we won’t know the extent of that purpose until we talk to God on the other side.  But, it helps me a little more every time that I hear that.  I have heard several stories of how people have prayed for the first time.  Praying for my son, or whose faith has grown because they have heard and read his story.  I think that it is awesome.  I hope that their faith and prayers continue, and that they keep growing in the Lord, and if JT’s short stay managed to do that then that is awesome news.   And I say thank you.  That doesn’t make my heart not hurt anymore or feel like it is being torn from my chest, or the wanting of my son back, but, it does help to know that.  

Well, I guess, I have talked enough.   But, I wanted to update you on our visit and the questions have been answered. 

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Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Thinking Blogger award

Wow, me, make people think?  How cool is that?  I would like to say thank you to Ginger for picking me.  How sweet is she?  I would like to accept this award on behalf of all the little people that got me here.  lol. 

Ok, I need to pick 5 people that make me think.  Or whose blogs make me think.  hmmmm……  Well, there are a lot of them.  And I think that alot of them have already been picked.   But, well, I am going to put you anyway. he he.

Here are the rules of participation:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think,

2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme,

3. Optional: Proudly display the ‘Thinking Blogger Award’ with a link to the post that you wrote.

ok, here are my people:

Barbara Sue

Sumi

Chocolate Chic

Tressa’s other corner

Heathertopia

Those are my picks and if this is your 2nd or 3rd time getting picked than you just know you have really made some people out here think.  That I feel is a great accomplishment. 

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Monday, July 30, 2007

Whew!!!!!

Just taking a break.   WE meaning the kids and I have totally trashed the house trying to clean it.  I have a living room full of yard sale stuff, and a dining room that is completely torn apart because I am going through it and organizing it and trying to see if there is more yard sale stuff.  I just finished the computer desk so, I figured why not get on this thing for a few.  And a few is what it is going to be.  lol.  I have kept myself so busy it is unreal.  I sewed an apron, and am almost done with a quilt and the tearing apart of the house.  Plus, I have a booster meeting tonight.  Which I have all of the stuff printed off for that.  So, that is done.  I just need to finish this dining room.  We are going around the outsides and throwing stuff in the middle where Harley and Stacey are going through it and getting out all the trash and then putting it in piles of where it goes in the house.  The system was working fine until I got on here and they all scattered.  I guess they deserve a break too.  I haven’t had pop since Friday night.  I am giving it up and I think I got energy now because of it.  Let’s hope so. 

Well, the natives are getting restless and fighting so, I guess it is back to work for all of us.  lol

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Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Really depressed….

Just like the title says. I am really depressed.  I am just not interested in anything.  I can’t focus.   Stacy (my friend)  said I need to update this.  So, I am.  We went out Saturday night, just to get out and get away.  We happened upon the Jazz and Rib Fest at the park.  It was really great.  See here in little ole springfield, we have a Summer Arts Festival that runs about 6 weeks and everything there is free.  Well, except the food.   So, we decided to stop and walk around get some exercise and really enjoyed it.  We sampled some ribs and corn too.  They had resonable prices.  I was surprised. 

We were talking and we got on the subject of life after death.  Like where our souls go and such.  I have had some Jehovah Witnesses that have been stopping by and I said ok, I will study with you but, I don’t agree with some of the things that you teach and expect me to disagree.   She agreed.   But, she told me Saturday morning I think that it was that bodies are just lying there waiting.  No souls go to heaven, heaven is full.   Now, that goes against everything that I am taught and well, I just can’t believe it.  I have heard of the resurrection and I have heard souls going to heaven.  

Stacy and I were also talking about the fact that every bible is different and everyone interprets it a different way.  We could each read the same verse and have different interpretations of it.  It is so confusing.  I told her that we really need to find someone and talk to them about things someone who is really well versed in the bible.  Maybe who has special training in the original format so to speak. 

We also talked about different religions.  How do we know which one is right.  I mean you have Jewish, Buddist, Hindu, Christian, etc…..

They mostly all have a basis of each other but, different aspects.  Now, how do we know which one we are supposed to be or ….. here is a crazy thought, what if they are all right??? My favorite verse is Ephesians 4:5  There is one Lord, One Faith, One Baptism..

If that is the case, then we ALL should serve the same God, believe the same, etc..

Sorry about all of the etc…

I am not sure.  I really need to get a hold of my pastor and pick his brain so to speak.  I just really don’t like bugging people, but, this is bugging me. 

I think the Jehovah Witness people are doing what they are supposed to do.  Putting a seed of doubt in my heart and I really don’t like that.

I should really just tell them no go away don’t want to hear it, but, I am truely not that mean. 

Jean told me that you need to minister to all people regardless of your differences.  I feel though that i haven’t the tools to do so.  I would really like to get into a good bible study and just start learning and learning some more.  Because the more I try to do it on my own, the more I can’t do it. I have no one to ask questions to or get another point of view.  My grandmother sends me a bible study book once a month it is a A Closer Walk.  That is fine and all, but, I have no direction.  I need direction.  I pray for it but, when there is no one but myself to lead, then well, I get no where.  Very discouraging at the moment.  But, I plan on fixing that. 

Well, thanks for listening to me. 

oh yeah, on a side note…  The dug the place (hole) for JT’s marker.  I hope it comes in soon. It is beautiful.. 

So see you all another day here soon. 

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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

And then there is today.

Today has been so exhausting.  Stacy (my friend) and I have spent most of the day out and looking for places to get clothes for the boys.  We went to WIC, they had nothing.  Then to Saint Vincent dePaul, they had nothing.   Dollar General had every size flip flop but the right size for Shane and we basically got nothing.   And I don’t have the money to just run out and get them anything.  I had two dollars two dollars to my name and well, that isn’t going to get anything.   lol.   

So, here I sit very tired.   Ashley put a movie in for the boys and mikayla to watch.   Which is good.  So, hopefully that will keep them occupied for a while.   I also learned today that my baby girl is a little bully.  She likes to hit and tell them NO! she got in big trouble for that.  So, most of the day, she has sat.  I really should have spanked her but, shane and jordy have been hit so much that when I went to spank her they started screaming so, well, I figured that probably wouldn’t be a good idea to put them through watching that. So, she got off easy.   At least in my mind she did. 

Ashley is baking a cake and is going to surprise them with it.   We did manage to work together and got the kitchen all sparkly just to have her mess it up.  lol  but, oh well, it was going to happen eventually. 

Well, off to take Harley to counseling.   La la alalalalalala