Children and holding them close…

After JT passed away I was a paranoid mess. I wouldn’t let my children do much, I was scared something would happen to them. I was deathly afraid of the steps. That one always got me. I was afraid that Mikayla would fall down them and break her neck. If they were wrestling around. I would make them stop. I was just so afraid I would lose another one. I would wake up in the middle of the night and I couldn’t breathe because I thought that they were gone. I would check them numerous times during the night to make sure that I seen their chests rising. If Mikayla didn’t wake up at her usual time and slept in I was poking her to make sure she moved. I still do that sometimes but, it is few and far between now.

I wouldn’t let them go anywhere without me. And no spending the night anywhere because well things could happen. They didn’t understand it. They had no clue what was going on with me. Why, all of a sudden they were on lock down and could do nothing. I even limited their time outside. And that isn’t like me at all. I think children should be outside and playing and running and having a great time because sunshine makes you grow. I was growing my children to be couch potatos and totally didn’t like what I was seeing. But, I couldn’t let go of that anxiety and panic enough to let them go outside and just be kids. So, I let them watch as much tv as they like and play as many video games as they wanted to and just made sure that they were close. I lost myself in the computer world and they lost themselves in the electronic world. They could have their friends come over that was no problem. That never really was. I always had no less than 10 kids in my house because well, I love kids. I was feeding them and taking care of them while they were here. My husband didn’t like the grocery bills so much, but, he didn’t really ever complain to much.

But, one day I was had an epiphany. Either that or God kicked me back into shape like he likes to do. I feeling suffocated. I just told them go outside. Go play get out of here. You need to be outside. What was I thinking??? Then they went out to play and I was being a crazy lady yelling at them not to do this or do that or to leave this alone or that alone. They couldn’t have any fun that way. It took a long time of me just holding my breath praying for God to keep them safe and just letting them be. But, I did it.

I have always been the kind of parent to let my kids make mistakes. To let them learn and I help them to see what they did wrong and let them fix it if they are able to. We are very open and talk about sex, drugs, what have you. I want them to be able to come to me and ask me about something. I want them to know that I won’t judge them on it and that together we’ll look at it and find the best possible solution together. I don’t go rampaging (to much) and not let them live their life. I wasn’t that kind of parent anymore. I was a closed up piece of mess.

My husband saw it also. He said, in the most loving way, “Honey, I think you need counseling”
So, I got it.

While that may not be for some it helped me immensely. I’ll talk more about that tomorrow.

How many children do I have…

I think people should ask how many children had you had. I hate answering that question. I don’t know how to answer it. Well, for one at any given moment I could have many children or I could have a couple. But, that is not the reason I detest answering that question. I got asked that question at FAST last night. I can’t really tell you what we were talking about because well, it is confidential. But, I just flew through it after I said I couldn’t answer it. Just about everyone knows Johnathan went home last year. I just ….. how do I answer that without including him. He is my son. He will always be my son. I have heard so many eloquent answers to that one. And I have been thinking about it since last night. Actually I have never stopped thinking about it. It has always been in the back of my mind. How do I include him in our family without making other people sad, or uncomfortable. And for another why should I care. Should everyone else’s feelings be more important than mine? I for the most part worry about other people’s feelings more than I should. Not saying that I don’t like to shock people once in a while but, for the most part, I have this innane sense to protect people from the ugly. And losing a child is about as ugly as it gets. Doesn’t matter how old they are. But, people are more willing to hear if you have lost a child and they were 25 or older as opposed to infancy thru childhood.

I really don’t think it is fair. I have to hide the fact that he lived. Sometimes it feels like I am denying God because he gave me this wonderful gift of a child. A miracle we watched beat a lot of odds. And I can’t rejoice in that. Just because people wouldn’t understand. I am to the point I don’t care if people would understand or not JT is my son. Just because he isn’t here doesn’t make him anyless mine, then if he was sleeping in the next room.

Johnathan passed away yes, but, that doesn’t mean my feelings and the love I felt for him ever will. I will always hold him in my heart and my heart is still broken in a million pieces. It has been 9 months 3 weeks and 5 days since we said see you later. And to this day I still a couple times a day, have such pain from grief that I can hardly breathe. I am only human, and I am a mother missing her son.

So, if you meet someone and want to know how many kids they have had. Ask them that. Don’t ask them how many kids they have. Let us answer truthfully.

I usually try to keep this blog about our days but, I have been forgetting one very important person. He helped me realize that yes, I do have faith. Not just for the big things but, for the little things also. He showed me that I am not alone, he taught me many things in his short life. I can’t keep denying that he lived so that other people can be comfortable. It just isn’t going to happen.

Starting FAST again

Well, me and Harley are going to be starting FAST again. what FAST is, is a program called Families And Schools Together. I have been through the program a few times. I love the program, for the most part. But, I and Stacy (friend), decided that we needed something to help us get closer to our children that well, we don’t connect with all the time. And let’s face it, me and Harley well, there isn’t alot of connecting going on there. So, we are going through it with just those children. Noone else the other kids get to hang out at home. lol.

Here is a normal evening at FAST. We all get together and get seated at our table. While we wait for time for dinner to be served, we play games or do activities with our family. In this case Harley will be stuck with me. lol. This can be drawing, doing a puzzle, coloring, feeling charades, numerous things. Then we do FAST hellos. Which you introduce your family, then everyone goes Hello Poling/Lockwood family, and then this is the fun part. We all yell, Hello FAST families. We like to make a competition out of it and see who can yell the loudest. Unfortunately this time, I think we are going to be lacking because well, I am down 4 kids and a husband. But, that is ok.
Then comes a song or two, which are all Fast related, which is family related songs. Some of them are funny some are just songs. lol

Then comes the food part. Miss Henry says a prayer and then, you get to pick one of your children to serve you the food. Yes, folks, parents get served first. Can you believe it???? Then the children are served their food. We eat for a while and then the children get split into their age appropriate groups and then us parents get to go to parent group while the children are off making crafts and being their ornery selves.

In parent groups we talk about a subject like oh how to deal with having a smooth morning before school. Ok, that was no big deal for me. But, other people have smaller children and they have to help them do that whole get dressed thing. Actually we talk about bigger issues than that. We talk about things like bad influences on our children. How do we deal with children who are having a rough time of it. Usuallly something that someone is going through there is someone there who has been through it and can offer a bit of advice or support. We play ice breakers, we have to say positive things about ourselves. And boy oh boy that isn’t easy.

Then we have buddy time. This is where we pair up with a parent and spend 7 minutes each just venting about our day our child or just anything and the other person has to listen to you and not interupt you and just let you have at it. Then it is the other person’s turn.

Then we have special play time. This is when they bring back one child of yours that you have chosen as the special play child. You spend 15 minutes doing child led play. You let the child tell you what to do and this is your special time. You can’t interrupt them and say do it this way. Nope, not allowed and you jsut don’t realize until yoiu do it just how hard that is.

After special play then it is off to the big circle. We all make a circle and then the raffle is drawn to see what family gets the basket. This is a wonderful laundry basket filled with 50.00 worth of stuff for your family, it is a mixture of games, books, toys, cleaning supplies, candles, etc….

Here is the catch, the family that wins the basket, (it is rigged so that every family wins), gets to cook dinner for everyone the next week. They supply the funds and the pans and then you just go to it.

All in all this is a really good program. You get to meet many people from your school that you may not have met before. Even being Booster president you don’t meet a lot of people at your school.

Actually the program is special to me because this is where I met my Bestest friend in the whole wide world, Stacy. A friendship started there that turned into a beautiful sistership. and she shared the most wonderful and heartwrenching time in my life and supported me through it I can never repay her for that. But, without going to FAST I never probably would have known her like I do now. And that my friends would be a tragedy.

Well, there it is people that is what FAST is.