How many children do I have…

I think people should ask how many children had you had. I hate answering that question. I don’t know how to answer it. Well, for one at any given moment I could have many children or I could have a couple. But, that is not the reason I detest answering that question. I got asked that question at FAST last night. I can’t really tell you what we were talking about because well, it is confidential. But, I just flew through it after I said I couldn’t answer it. Just about everyone knows Johnathan went home last year. I just ….. how do I answer that without including him. He is my son. He will always be my son. I have heard so many eloquent answers to that one. And I have been thinking about it since last night. Actually I have never stopped thinking about it. It has always been in the back of my mind. How do I include him in our family without making other people sad, or uncomfortable. And for another why should I care. Should everyone else’s feelings be more important than mine? I for the most part worry about other people’s feelings more than I should. Not saying that I don’t like to shock people once in a while but, for the most part, I have this innane sense to protect people from the ugly. And losing a child is about as ugly as it gets. Doesn’t matter how old they are. But, people are more willing to hear if you have lost a child and they were 25 or older as opposed to infancy thru childhood.

I really don’t think it is fair. I have to hide the fact that he lived. Sometimes it feels like I am denying God because he gave me this wonderful gift of a child. A miracle we watched beat a lot of odds. And I can’t rejoice in that. Just because people wouldn’t understand. I am to the point I don’t care if people would understand or not JT is my son. Just because he isn’t here doesn’t make him anyless mine, then if he was sleeping in the next room.

Johnathan passed away yes, but, that doesn’t mean my feelings and the love I felt for him ever will. I will always hold him in my heart and my heart is still broken in a million pieces. It has been 9 months 3 weeks and 5 days since we said see you later. And to this day I still a couple times a day, have such pain from grief that I can hardly breathe. I am only human, and I am a mother missing her son.

So, if you meet someone and want to know how many kids they have had. Ask them that. Don’t ask them how many kids they have. Let us answer truthfully.

I usually try to keep this blog about our days but, I have been forgetting one very important person. He helped me realize that yes, I do have faith. Not just for the big things but, for the little things also. He showed me that I am not alone, he taught me many things in his short life. I can’t keep denying that he lived so that other people can be comfortable. It just isn’t going to happen.

Not a bad night…

Well, the kids got here and Laurie and Mike sneaked out. They cried for all of 2 seconds. We had a good night. We ate dinner together and the kids just won’t leave them alone they are so happy that they are here. We did have a couple of moment with Mikayla and the fact that she didn’t want to share her phone. The baby picked it up and Mikayla just dropped to the ground screaming. But, we resolved the issue after we found out what the heck was wrong. It took about 5 minutes to figure that one out. She will let anyone touch just about any of her toys but, her phone and her sweeper. Well, she has issues about that. Which I can understand. Hey I wouldn’t be too happy with other people touching my stuff either. So, this week I can see that we are going to be learning about sharing. Which is a lesson she needs to learn. She just isn’t used to sharing with other kids except for Megan and that took a while too.

They all went to bed easily. They wanted to sleep downstairs so, I slept down here with them. They are slowly waking up now so, I guess I should go get stuff ready for breakfast. I think it is going to be something easy like cereal. lol

Little Stacey woke up sick. I thought she was faking it to stay home but, then she got sick so, I don’t think she is faking. I have quarrantined her to her room. I don’t need everyone getting sick. That would be scary.

So, I am getting off of here to start this day. No playing on here today. Oh whoa is me. J/K. I’ll live

Everyone have a great day.

Starting FAST again

Well, me and Harley are going to be starting FAST again. what FAST is, is a program called Families And Schools Together. I have been through the program a few times. I love the program, for the most part. But, I and Stacy (friend), decided that we needed something to help us get closer to our children that well, we don’t connect with all the time. And let’s face it, me and Harley well, there isn’t alot of connecting going on there. So, we are going through it with just those children. Noone else the other kids get to hang out at home. lol.

Here is a normal evening at FAST. We all get together and get seated at our table. While we wait for time for dinner to be served, we play games or do activities with our family. In this case Harley will be stuck with me. lol. This can be drawing, doing a puzzle, coloring, feeling charades, numerous things. Then we do FAST hellos. Which you introduce your family, then everyone goes Hello Poling/Lockwood family, and then this is the fun part. We all yell, Hello FAST families. We like to make a competition out of it and see who can yell the loudest. Unfortunately this time, I think we are going to be lacking because well, I am down 4 kids and a husband. But, that is ok.
Then comes a song or two, which are all Fast related, which is family related songs. Some of them are funny some are just songs. lol

Then comes the food part. Miss Henry says a prayer and then, you get to pick one of your children to serve you the food. Yes, folks, parents get served first. Can you believe it???? Then the children are served their food. We eat for a while and then the children get split into their age appropriate groups and then us parents get to go to parent group while the children are off making crafts and being their ornery selves.

In parent groups we talk about a subject like oh how to deal with having a smooth morning before school. Ok, that was no big deal for me. But, other people have smaller children and they have to help them do that whole get dressed thing. Actually we talk about bigger issues than that. We talk about things like bad influences on our children. How do we deal with children who are having a rough time of it. Usuallly something that someone is going through there is someone there who has been through it and can offer a bit of advice or support. We play ice breakers, we have to say positive things about ourselves. And boy oh boy that isn’t easy.

Then we have buddy time. This is where we pair up with a parent and spend 7 minutes each just venting about our day our child or just anything and the other person has to listen to you and not interupt you and just let you have at it. Then it is the other person’s turn.

Then we have special play time. This is when they bring back one child of yours that you have chosen as the special play child. You spend 15 minutes doing child led play. You let the child tell you what to do and this is your special time. You can’t interrupt them and say do it this way. Nope, not allowed and you jsut don’t realize until yoiu do it just how hard that is.

After special play then it is off to the big circle. We all make a circle and then the raffle is drawn to see what family gets the basket. This is a wonderful laundry basket filled with 50.00 worth of stuff for your family, it is a mixture of games, books, toys, cleaning supplies, candles, etc….

Here is the catch, the family that wins the basket, (it is rigged so that every family wins), gets to cook dinner for everyone the next week. They supply the funds and the pans and then you just go to it.

All in all this is a really good program. You get to meet many people from your school that you may not have met before. Even being Booster president you don’t meet a lot of people at your school.

Actually the program is special to me because this is where I met my Bestest friend in the whole wide world, Stacy. A friendship started there that turned into a beautiful sistership. and she shared the most wonderful and heartwrenching time in my life and supported me through it I can never repay her for that. But, without going to FAST I never probably would have known her like I do now. And that my friends would be a tragedy.

Well, there it is people that is what FAST is.

Today we start

Mikayla starts her lessons this morning. I am so psyched I can’t wait. I have everything laid out that we need. It is going to be so much fun and she just can’t wait to do school.

She is going to get up in a little bit, eat, take her bath, get dressed and then it is on.

Our Theme this week is cows.

Today we are going to read a preschool devotion.
learn about cows and calfs.
Then we are going to read the book ClicK, clack, Moo Cows That Type. By Doreen Cronin.

I’ll see how she feels after that much. I don’t want to overload her. We might start on a shape or a letter. The shape for this week is square. We are going to look through the house and see what is shaped like a square. We are going to make a poster of all that she learns about this week and then I am going to laminate it and hang it up so that she can see it for reinforcement. So, I am all ready and raring to go!!

Now, if she will just wake up.

Oh our big goal for today and the whole week is keeping her clothes on. She likes to run around in her panties. So, we’ll see.

Have a great day all!!

don’t really have a title for this.

Well, we have been kicked out of our Booster Room at school. It is now a math tutoring room. We are lost at the moment with no place to go. We have stuff that we need to plan for and no place to go to plan that stuff. We have Get Movin Night coming up. This is where we explain the benefits of exercise and plan some active games to keep the family moving as a whole. Then we have Arts and Crafts night, with a Valentines theme in February. These are both Family Nights. But, with no place to go to talk about them I just don’t know what to do. I know the Secretary doesn’t want us just taking up the front office although we do that already. And going off site is not the answer because we want to be there during the day so that we can be around our children, so, that wouldn’t work. I tell ya. Just add another lostness to my life. lol.

I know it will work out in the end.

It feels good for once though to have to worry about something as small and inconsequential as this. Not a big catastrophy or something life threatening. Just an everyday adjustment. We’ll probably be able to meet on the stage which is no big deal. Or we were joking with the custodian Mr. Tim and told him we needed half of his desk so, he is going to have to share. He thought that was funny.

I kinda like the stage idea though because during lunch I can keep an eye on my kids and the “lunch lady” situation. Those poor kids have had silent lunch more this year than not and it is really annoying. And the sentences they have to write and she gives it to the whole class which I really don’t believe in. There is a core group of about 8 kids and if they are acting up which is for the most part every day then everyone is punished. I don’t believe in that. You shouldn’t punish the whole class for something you know that it is just so and so doing. Do they care the whole class has to do it? Nope they really don’t. They just need to separate those kids and put them at a different table all to themselves that is what I feel but, you know things just can not be that easy can they? Nope.

Plus, I can keep an eye on Harley she has decided she wants to act older than she is and get mouthy. I have news for her she is coming home, whether she likes it or not. If she can’t make the right choices than she is not mature enough to handle the responsibility of going to school. She knows right from wrong and knows what I expect from her. But, she “chooses” not to do it.

I was thinking of pulling her and putting her in a private school, but, nope, there would be the same choices there and she still would make the wrong ones. It is like she has bad crowd radar and affixes herself to them. So, I will be pulling her in March to be homeschooled. She has a camping trip coming up that she has worked really hard for and I don’t want her to miss it. The few bad kids she “hangs” with won’t be going so, I don’t have to worry about them there. But, as soon as she gets back she is cleaning out her desk and it will be adios for her. Then she is coming home and we are going to work on choices and values and what the heck is she thinking? Don’t get me wrong we will be working on that before she gets pulled but, oh yeah, it is on when I have her to myself all day.

I will not have a daughter that is disrespectful and who thinks that she is going to do this and do that and to heck with what everyone else thinks. Not going to happen. That and the boy thing. she wants to have a baby go figure is she nuts? I mean hey I can understand the need. It probably has to do with Johnathan, how she is handling his passing away, but, I am not going to stand back and watch her mess up her life and act like there is no problem. Because there is a problem a very big one and we are going to solve this one way or another.

Well, before I burn up this computer with my anger at the moment I will leave.

Hope everyone has a great day and if you have any insight or ideas been there done that let me know. Believe me I can use all the help I can get at the moment.

So much to do today

Today, I have so much to do. I am rearranging things and making me a sewing area. Cleaning my bedroom. I stuffed things in there when company came. Stacey has a dentist appt. That is going to take forever. I hope I can find a good book at the library. I have my bed stuff in the dryer getting ready to go on my bed and then I am spending 15 minutes throughout the day in there. If I spend longer than I get overwhelmed. The kitchen is done. Woo hoo. I have mass amounts of laundry to get done. Mt. Washmore just keeps sneaking up on me. Then, I have a few errands to run after Stacey gets out of the dentist. I know I have to take Asha with me so, maybe she will be a little company. I hope so anyway. I then have to go to Walmart and find fabric. I have a few projects going on and I can’t wait to get to them. I also found a few patterns on free patterns.com that I want to try. Simple easy baby bibs so they say anyway. I am going to try my hand at making them though. I am going to send a few to my cousin if it works out. They look easy enough that once I figure it out I can show the girls and they can make them also. I am trying to find us a mutual hobby. Something that we can all do together and enjoy it and work as a team. We are already doing that with making the quilts but, I would like to expand their horizons so to speak.

Make some good memories for on down the line. Might even teach them a lesson or two while we are doing it. I hope anyway.

I went yesterday and took the Christmas stuff off of JT grave. Someone had put a candy cane in his stocking. It was a nice surprise. lol. Ok, it kinda freaked me out for a moment because I wasn’t expecting it but, it was really neat once I got over the shock.

But, well, I better get in gear and get off of here. I really want to get everything done today!

Tootles everyone!! And please have a greeeaaattttt day!!!