Back to our reguarly scheduled program….

Ok, back on track with the “grief series”.

The days leading up to the funeral where well, they went to fast I think. I was not ready for it to be over. Because I knew that would be the last time I would physically “see” my baby. I went shopping for some funeral clothes. The lady at the store was very accomadating and we got my clothes on sale. I think Stacy or even maybe I told her what they were for, and both of them were throwing clothes at me as fast as I could try them on. Shoe shopping was the worst. I really really don’t like shopping for myself. I have what I have and make do. I don’t see the point in spending money on myself when the kids need this or that. This was no exception. I felt guilty about it the whole time. I think that is what made it so hard to find something.

I know that everyone was pushing me to do it to get out and get my mind off of stuff, but, that really wasn’t going to happen. I just wanted to be. To just sit in my room and just be. But, that wouldn’t of been good at all, not at that time.

Those first few days, me and God had long talks. Really long talks. I told him it wasn’t fair, and he was wrong and why would he do that to JT? Why would he do that to me? Why would he take my son away from me like that? I was very selfish for a long while. I just wanted my baby back. For 8 1/2 months it was all about him. I had no direction anymore. I had nothing to do basically. I tried several times to get into the car and leave to go to Children’s only to remember that there wasn’t anything there for me anymore. Then I would try to talk myself into going up there to check and make sure he wasn’t there. Maybe it didn’t happen. Maybe he was up there waiting for me to come back. I knew he wasn’t but, my mind and my heart were playing tricks on me.

The hardest part was waking up and remembering he was gone. He wasn’t up there in the NICU and I was not going to be going to see him anymore. I missed it all. The arguing with the doctor’s the care, the kisses, the hugs, the frustration, all of it. I wanted it back and nothing I could do or say would bring him back. NOTHING.

Then I would start to feel guilty. Guilty about things that well, I had no control of. I felt guilty that he was born to early. Guilty about those first few days when I argued with the nurses and doctors not to feed him Similac. That he would probably be allergic to it like all of my other children. No one could predict what was going to happen. Guilty that my body wasn’t strong enough to keep him in there longer. Just guilty thinking that I put him through all of this. That I put my family through all of this. But, I didn’t, it happened. God has his reasons why He chose us to be his family. He chose us and that in and of itself is an honor to be the mother of him and know what he did to change my life.

I would go from angry at God to thanking him for JT’s life and all that he gave me. From crying to laughing and back again in 3.2 seconds. This would go on for a long time. Even today I still have days like that. Though they are fewer and farther in between. I welcome them. They remind me that JT was here. He was loved. He was real.

Bad Blogger

I have not been blogging here lately at all. I really don’t have anything to report and well, I can’t think of anything prolific to say at the moment. I am working on a series as I would like to call it. It is going to be about grief and the grieving mom. I know not all sunshine and happiness, but, it is something that I know about. Something I really wish I didn’t know about, but, since I do, why not try to help someone else.

That is my spiritual gift. I am a helper. So, I am doing what I know best. lol

So, look forward to reading about that subject in the next week or so. It is going to be hard, but, hey, I am always up for a challenge.

Anyway, just thought I would give my 2 1/2 readers an update on what to see in the coming weeks.

Tootles you all!!!!!

May 17th…

Dear Johnathan,

You left us for a better place a year ago today. I remember holding you and telling you I love you so much and that it was ok you could go. I wouldn’t be mad at you. I was excited for you. You would get to meet Jesus today. I told you don’t hang on don’t fight for us anymore. There is no reason to. You are tired you fought a great fight and I am proud of you.

You enriched my life far more than you will know. Because of you I met people and became friends with someone who loved you as much as I did. Who fought with you as much as I did and to this day we still love and miss you.

I miss so much about you. I sometimes wish I could just have one more moment with you. Where I could tickle your fat rolls and just stare at your face and shower you with kisses. I miss sitting with you and just laying my head on the bed and watching you sleep or the times when you would just play with my fingers. You were so amazed with fingers. After you came out of your heart catherization and I came back to see you that night. I came up to you fighting your vent and you pulled it out you wanted that no more. I can’t blame you. But, as soon as Jenny gave you her fingers you were just content as can be. She only had you that night and you played with her fingers for hours. And she enjoyed every minute of it. We just sat there all night and watched you and played with you and talked and we were just amazed as you were about your amazement with fingers.

You was a great son. You were all I ever would have wanted in a son and I got it. I was always amazed at your ability to be so calm and so content even when your body was failing you and you were going through so much. I know that was Jesus, he was walking beside you. He was holding your hand and comforting you and keeping you calm. He was tickling your fat rolls from Heaven to keep you content and happy I just know it.

You built up my faith and let me see a loving God who gently walks us through the forest who is there to lift us up when we have no strength left to do it ourselves. And believe me this last year there have been many days where I couldn’t with out his help.

When we found out that you wouldn’t make it home with us, I used to think how am I going to live with out you? I don’t think I can. God might as well take me with you because I won’t be able to live with my bubbas. My heart is still broken but, I am managing to put some of the pieces back together. I am beginning to see the blessing in my life that was all made possible because you came into my life and showed me that blessing can come in the smallest packages. It isn’t always the big things. It is the little things. Like being able to get out of bed in the morning with a smile on my face because I know in a few minutes Mikayla will be running to me telling me I awake Mommy, I love you. She has a wonderful way of making me feel so loved.

We were watching your video and she said hey that’s my Donthan. I said no, that is my Johnathan. She took my face in her hands and said NO Mommy that is Desus’s Donathan. I said you know what sweety? You my dear are right!

You my son, are in Heaven with Jesus. God gave you to me for a short while and back to Heaven you went. But, you will always be on my mind and in my heart. You are my son, you always will be but, you are Jesus’ too. I am so thankful you are being so well taken care of. I Know you are gloriously happy. Worshipping the Lord, dancing on clouds playing amongst the angels and eating chocolate pudding. Free of all the wires and procedures that you were encumbered with in this world. Oh how awesome it must be to be whole and healed like never before. I am thankful and excited for you.

So, until we meet again, my sweetness, I will be down here living, living a life that you have taught me that I need to live. No more hiding or running away from life. I will live it to the fullest because that is what you did while you were here. And I can’t see doing it any different than you did.

I love you!!!!!

Johnathan Thomas Michael Poling !!!!!!!!

Mother’s Day…

Mother’s Day this year is going to be hard. It is my first with out JT and also the last Holiday that I celebrated with him. I had spent the weekend with him in the rooming in room. We got to sit and play, I put him on the floor and let him roll around, we talked, we read the bible, we just spent some awesome time together. Harley spent the weekend with us and she arranged his photo album from beginning to end. She did an excellent job. We watched some CNN his favorite channel and caught up on what was happening in the world.

When I had woke up that morning I had found a mother’s day card on my pillow what an awesome thing to wake up to. It was from JT it had his picture on it and it said Happy Mother’s Day. The nurses up in the Nicu were awesome. They made sure that holidays were celebrated and they made sure lots of pics were taken. 75% of the pics that everyone has seen have been from them. They would get him dressed up in the middle of the night and just start snappin pics just because he was sooo cute. That is what they would say. Just couldn’t help themselves.

Everything started happening really fast after Mother’s Day. And in a few days it will be the anniversary of his going home. In some ways I feel like I am reliving it all and it is not making things easy around here. I am grumpy, moody, and depressed.

It just seems that with a year passing, that it is just about the last thing. It seems so final. I know it is final but, has been final but, the year mark is really hard for me as I have heard it is hard for everyone.

The earth on his grave is full of grass now, his headstone is in. His birthday has passed, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Groundhogs Day, Valentines Day, you get the picture right? This is the last first. The last first I get to make it through. The grief is hitting me full force in these uncontrollable waves that sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t want to crash. I feel like a beach during a hurricane just beaten upon.

I have had some really good awesome days during this year and I have had some really really bad days. My grief has lessen around the edges. I still feel it. It is still there right under the surface. I have acknowledged it. I have trudged through it. I have let it overcome me. It will never go away. I will always feel it and know it by name.

But, I have always had hope. Hope in a God who has seen me through. Who has held me comforted me and loved me always. Hope that I will be able to work through my grief and be able to live another joyous day like I did before it came into my life. While things will never be the same, I will never be the same person that I was before Grief knocked on my door and let itself in. I have laughed, I have had happy days, I have seen many blessings in my life this year. It has been the hardest year of my life but, the blessings pour in abundantly each and everyday. And I know that is only from one The One. My Savior, Jesus, who has seen me through.
Thank you Lord, for not giving up on me. For loving me even on the days when I was very angry at you. For lifting me up on the days that I couldn’t find the strength to look up to see you. Thank you for taking care of my son. Thank you for my life and my family and everything then encompasses it.
Thank you for blessing me with a son that in his short life showed me that God’s love is real and knows no boundaries. That showed me even in a life as short as his that love is there and love me he did. Thank you for answering all of my prayers, you are the wonderful, you are blessed and you are my personal savior. And for that I am thankful and joyous, and blessed beyond measure!!!!!

Mothers under attack….

I keep up with a great bunch of ladies who have lost their children. Most of the children have gone to heaven because they have been born with T-18. Some lived for hours some minutes. Some for days and months. You can get to some of them from my side bar. The mothers going through what I have losing a child give me so much comfort. Yes, I have been on this road longer and I should probably be the one comforting them but, well, grief is hard and different for everyone. I see God’s light shining through in all of them. They will be the first to hit the ground and praise God. Praise him through the grief, the pain, the hurt, and frustration. I stand amazed at their faith and love for our Saviour. It is awesome.

It seems there is always a few people out there ready and willing to attack them. It is the devil working his devilish ways this I know. But, to attack someone while they are going through something so raw and fresh is incomprehensible to me. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why these people have so little compassion that they can just be so cruel. It makes no sense to me. They need prayer. Prayer to unharden their hearts and open their eyes to see what a miracle these babies are and will always be to us mothers who have lost them. And understand that while we talk about how we feel we understand that we have other members of our family and yes, that they are grieving too. We have not forgotten about them. We just can’t speak for them. Grief is a personal journey. It changes you forever. You can not go back to who or what you were before it. That is never gonna happen. You have to find a new normal. And to do that you have to let the grief consume you. You have to feel every feeling it is throwing at you. You can’t hold back.

They told me that being in the NICU, was like a roller coater ride. Well, in some ways it is. But, grief is like that corkscrew roller coaster. You think you are doing ok, then for no reason sometimes you are flipped upside down. It could be a flash back of a memory, a smell, a taste, you see a baby wearing an outfit just like yours did at one time, or even just the announcement of a pregnant friend. Or it could be just nothing at all.

I have to drive past the funeral home that we used for Johnathan every weekday to go pick a neighbor’s son up from school. It is hard for me because well, that was the last place I seen my bubba’s face. I remember the first time. I was trying everything I could to hold it in. It didn’t work of course but, I felt better after I let it consume me and dealt with it. It thanked God profusely for being there with me and carrying me through that experience and many others like it. Driving past the cemetary and not being able to go in because it is closed and feeling like I abandoned my baby because all I could do was say a quick love ya while we were passing by. Things like that.

My husband deals with his grief so differently. He acts like he doesn’t have any. From what I am told it is a typical male thing. I don’t like it and will never understand it but, it is HIS personal journey through grief and we talk about johnathan and reminese and he asks me questions about things.

The girls they deal with it differently also. Everyone’s journey is so different none of us grieve the same. They always include Johnathan as their brother and have no problem talking about him. Harley has had the worst time of it. We are working on it and hopefully we can get her to express her emotions in a healthy way. She really scares me but, that doesn’t stop me from knowing that what she is feeling is her feelings and nothing that I can do can take those away from her.

I don’t really know why God chose me to be JT’s mom. I do know that I thank him everyday for the opportunity he gave me. I really wouldn’t trade it for anything. Johnathan was who he was God made him, God gave him to me and God decided he needed to be back with him. Who am I to argue with the Creator. Although I have but, I understand that He gave him to him only for a short while, but, that short while we gave him a lifetime X’s a million of love. I couldn’t ask for more. He was everything I ever wanted in a son.

So, what I am asking is that you pray for Eva Janette’s mom. And pray for the person being so hurtful that they will unharden their hearts and see God’s love. See that everyone grieves in their own unique way. And that while we may just be telling you our story that we are not ignoring our families. We just can’t speak for them. We speak for ourselves. This is our personal journey. And we really don’t have to explain it to other people but, we choose to and I know there are people that can be hurtful out there but, as I said I just can’t understand it.

Thanks for listening and thanks for praying. I know I have some awesome prayer warriors on here and they will understand.