All about Harley….

Harley is my moody, don’t mess with me I’ll kick your butt child. She was born 2 months early and I think that made her a fighter. She was only in the NICU for 14 days but, those were 14 of the most heart wrenching days of my life. I remember when she was born, I didn’t have my glasses on and I couldn’t see what was going on. They had to resusitate her and put a vent in. I know that. I could see her outline and I could tell her back was arching. It was very scary. And I said a few things to people that were ugly because I couldn’t see. They finally after they had her vented found my glasses. I think they did it on purpose but, we aren’t going to go there. They whisked her away to the nursery and I didn’t see her until 3 hours later when they were moving her to children’s. They brought her in and let me see her and touch her and let me know that she was breathing room air they were just leaving the vent in as a precaution for transport. I watched her leave and just cried for the next 6 hours until they let me out. I rushed up there and she was already in a warmer with the vent out but, she had tubes and wires everywhere. And she had a couple of tubes down her throat. Harley actually did really good. She only had a couple of days where she couldn’t keep her temp up and went back into the incubator but, after that it was smooth sailing. I remember watching her get mad in the incubator and she was on her stomache and she would lift her whole body up off the bed. She was supporting herself on her head and toes. It blew my mind. She must’ve been really mad and I didn’t know what to do because I didnt know if I could touch her or what I could do. the nurse finally came over and what she wanted was her binky. I was 21 and felt totally inadequate as a mother at that point. She came home and gave us all a run for our money. She had to be fed every three hours and she knew when those three hours were up and oh boy did she let us know.

Harley is the most kind hearted person you could meet though. If she loves you. She will take care of you and defend you til the end. But, she hold her emotions in. And that is not a good thing for her. When she hold her emotions in she has to find a different avenue to express them and well, let’s just say her ways have been harmful to herself or others. There was a year that she didn’t smile she didn’t laugh. She was just sad. All the time. She would lock herself in her room. I didn’t know what to do, I tried everything. I talked to her I told her I loved her. She finally decided to try and harm herself. And I say decided because she made a choice. She was finally able to get into counseling and that worked wonders. She was also in a self esteem group. I didn’t realize that self esteem could make you go so low and I didn’t realize that children as young as her could experience low self esteem. When we got her self esteem up and she had a way to vent her feelings, she started smiling again, and interacting with other people. She still has times when she bottles up her emotions, we just have to look for the signs. Because when Harley has an “episode” it is never a little one. But, we are all getting better including herself at recognizing when she needs to talk or when she just needs to scream.

I am seriously thinking of getting her tested for bi-polar disease only because her highs are really high and her lows really low and she can turn in a second. I don’t like to label my children and I don’t believe in medicating them at all unless it is cold medicine or something that they really need. But, after going through this for 5 years, I think that we need to figure out something else besides severely depressed and depression. Ok, now that I have aired all of her dirty laundry and i really didn’t mean to but, when my fingers start talking they really talk.

Harley is beautiful, and she is a kind loving soul. She is smart as can be and has a very sarcastic humorous side that I love to see when it surfaces. She reminds me so much of me that it isn’t funny. I think that is why we clash alot too. She is 12 alost 13 and thinks she is grown. But, what almost teen doesn’t? lol.. If she loves you, you never find a better advocate and helper. She loves to help. Whether it be with cleaning, spending time with you, or watching your babies. She loves babies.

So, there is another one of my baby girls. I know I have a lot of them but, as long as the Lord keeps blessing me with them, I’ll keep taking them.

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Happenings around here

Well, it has been eventful, I can tell you that. First the girls’ grandfather called me. That would be their dad’s dad not mine. I almost had a heart attack. We talked for about 4 hours. Well, he talked I listened. Remember the story about my Aunt? The whole doesn’t do drugs anymore, talk, talk, talk, apologizing for everything wants to be back in my life? Well, there you have it. Except he wants to see his grandchildren. I have reservations. I really do, but, I don’t want them to miss out on the opportunity to know him. He is clean and sober and has been for about 3 years. He has been off of the cocaine and pills for 5 and the alcohol for 3. He is one of those biker dude grandpa’s that Harley would love. But, I still have reservations. It has been 10 years since he has seen them and he only seen Stacey once. Stacey is really psyched. She just hears grandpa and just wants to have at it. She doesn’t know the history and doesn’t need to know the history. I feel if they are going to have a relationship with him it needs to be done with a clean slate and no judgements on their part. He aplogized for everything and seemed sincere for the most part about it and called me a great mom. I don’t know if he was buttering me up or not but, well, it was nice to have the complement. He has lung cancer and congestive heart failure among other things and I think that I have to make a decision soon. I spoke with their dad (he won’t talk to his dad at all). He said it was up to me but, he didn’t want them to go over to his house and that the visits should be supervised. Which I agree with I would never just take my kids over to someone’s house and just dump them, long lost grandpa or not.

Then we have Miss Harley who decided to trip over a rock and mess up her toe really badly. While Mike was bandaging her toe, as everyone knows I don’t do blood. lol, She started slipping down in the chair and her eyelids, shoulders and head and hands started twitching. It lasted less than a minute. I thought that she had just fainted because well, maybe the pain got to her. So, I called ask a nurse, they told me to take her to the hospital because twitching is not fainting, it is a seizure. So, 8 1/2 hours, a cat scan, iv, and EKG later, we find out that there was no reason for it and to just watch her if it happens again just bring her back. She had a great time at the hospital. That sounds really silly, but, she did. The nurse was very kind to her and showed her everything. She gave her the part of the IV that goes in your arm. Not the one that was actually in there, but, a new unused one. Then she got to see the pics of her brain. That was pretty cool.

We would have gotten out of there a few hours before but, a baby came in that wasn’t breathing It was really scary and gave me really bad flashbacks, but, I did what I do best and prayed for the little guy. He was less than a month old and his mom just found him laying in his crib and he was lethargic and wouldn’t move. So, she rushed him in there. I am so happy Harley was sleeping at that point because I don’t know how she would have dealt with it.

The hubby is still job searching. He’ll find something soon. At least I hope. lol. He is driving me crazy being here but, don’t tell him that. Maybe, I’ll blog about that tomorrow. The experience of the hubster being around all hours of the day. Which is something really new for me because this is a guy that never took vacation or a sick day. The only time that he has taken off was if he had to go to court because of a child support evaluation, or because JT passed away. So, really not used to him invading my morning time. So, if you don’t see me it is because he has hijacked my computer.

Tootles all!