Yesterday….

Yesterday was kind of a hard day for me for some reason. Not sure why but, grief manages to sneak up on me sometimes. I was listening to a few songs and they just hit me the wrong way and there I was balling and questioning God again. I don’t like it when I get like this but, know that sometimes I just have to. I have a pic up of JT as my background and I was just staring at it and I could just see the happyness in his eyes. I never really looked at his eyes in this picture. I would always look at his smile. But, as I was listening to Casting Crowns Praise you in This Storm, something just made me look at his eyes. The happyness just exudes from him. Then I started the whole now, explain to me why you took my baby away from me. Tell me right now. I have a tendency to do this when I want answers about JT. Answers I know I may never get until we are up there face to face. I tell you I was a hot mess. And when I am like this I am selfish. Very, very selfish. I told God he could have healed him. He has the power and he chose not to do that and at the moment I am really angry at Him. I don’t know why he would want to rip my heart out like that. I have never in my life been through this much pain. Emotionally or physically. Physical abuse, I can live with that I can get past that. I see the scars, I know it happened. I know I survived it. With something like this. Where are the physical scars??? You can’t look at me and know I have lost a child. You can’t look at me and see in me that I am hurting that I am still hurting and this hurt is never going to go away. It may hide from me for a brief second, but, then it comes out to taunt me. You thought you was getting better didn’t you?? We’ll let me just throw this emotion at you now.

Then Della Reese singing I will walk with you from Touched by an Angel comes on. And I know every single day he walks with me. I can’t dispute that fact. I know He does. I just gotta take his hand. Somedays I don’t want to but, most days I long to. And I do.

I remember watching one episode of Touched by An Angel. It has always been my favorite. The one with Wynonna Judd in it. Where she is the mother of Petey. The boy with Cystic Fibrosis. I could never imagine losing a child and that episode made it seem so beautiful. She wrote a beautiful song and played it while he died and I just thought that was awesome. I will testify to love be a witness in the silences words are not enough with every breath I take I will give thanks to God above. How beautiful is that.

Stacy called yesterday, and we talked about Johnathan. I was fine after that. I think sometimes I just need to talk to her. To know that somebody remembers. That he didn’t live for no reason. That he was here and he was my son and that yes, I do miss him and that makes me so angry that he is not here with me now. I can say these things to her and they don’t upset her. She just listens. She remembers the emotions because she was there.

Last night we were all sitting on the porch. Mikayla happened to look up and see the moon. It was just a tiny sliver but, it was emitting a lot of light. She said, “look, Mommy, Donathan turned the light on for us! We can stay out longer” She caught me off guard. I looked up and the moon was brighter. It was like there was rays coming out of it. It was beautiful. It made me feel like God heard me yesterday morning and gave me light in the darkness. I just needed Mikayla to point that out to me. When I have these days sometimes I need something like a moon to show me that He is with me because sometimes I don’t hear a whisper.

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May 17th…

Dear Johnathan,

You left us for a better place a year ago today. I remember holding you and telling you I love you so much and that it was ok you could go. I wouldn’t be mad at you. I was excited for you. You would get to meet Jesus today. I told you don’t hang on don’t fight for us anymore. There is no reason to. You are tired you fought a great fight and I am proud of you.

You enriched my life far more than you will know. Because of you I met people and became friends with someone who loved you as much as I did. Who fought with you as much as I did and to this day we still love and miss you.

I miss so much about you. I sometimes wish I could just have one more moment with you. Where I could tickle your fat rolls and just stare at your face and shower you with kisses. I miss sitting with you and just laying my head on the bed and watching you sleep or the times when you would just play with my fingers. You were so amazed with fingers. After you came out of your heart catherization and I came back to see you that night. I came up to you fighting your vent and you pulled it out you wanted that no more. I can’t blame you. But, as soon as Jenny gave you her fingers you were just content as can be. She only had you that night and you played with her fingers for hours. And she enjoyed every minute of it. We just sat there all night and watched you and played with you and talked and we were just amazed as you were about your amazement with fingers.

You was a great son. You were all I ever would have wanted in a son and I got it. I was always amazed at your ability to be so calm and so content even when your body was failing you and you were going through so much. I know that was Jesus, he was walking beside you. He was holding your hand and comforting you and keeping you calm. He was tickling your fat rolls from Heaven to keep you content and happy I just know it.

You built up my faith and let me see a loving God who gently walks us through the forest who is there to lift us up when we have no strength left to do it ourselves. And believe me this last year there have been many days where I couldn’t with out his help.

When we found out that you wouldn’t make it home with us, I used to think how am I going to live with out you? I don’t think I can. God might as well take me with you because I won’t be able to live with my bubbas. My heart is still broken but, I am managing to put some of the pieces back together. I am beginning to see the blessing in my life that was all made possible because you came into my life and showed me that blessing can come in the smallest packages. It isn’t always the big things. It is the little things. Like being able to get out of bed in the morning with a smile on my face because I know in a few minutes Mikayla will be running to me telling me I awake Mommy, I love you. She has a wonderful way of making me feel so loved.

We were watching your video and she said hey that’s my Donthan. I said no, that is my Johnathan. She took my face in her hands and said NO Mommy that is Desus’s Donathan. I said you know what sweety? You my dear are right!

You my son, are in Heaven with Jesus. God gave you to me for a short while and back to Heaven you went. But, you will always be on my mind and in my heart. You are my son, you always will be but, you are Jesus’ too. I am so thankful you are being so well taken care of. I Know you are gloriously happy. Worshipping the Lord, dancing on clouds playing amongst the angels and eating chocolate pudding. Free of all the wires and procedures that you were encumbered with in this world. Oh how awesome it must be to be whole and healed like never before. I am thankful and excited for you.

So, until we meet again, my sweetness, I will be down here living, living a life that you have taught me that I need to live. No more hiding or running away from life. I will live it to the fullest because that is what you did while you were here. And I can’t see doing it any different than you did.

I love you!!!!!

Johnathan Thomas Michael Poling !!!!!!!!

So many ideas, I am depressed…

It seems like I have so many ideas about things and everyone of them is being blocked for some reason. Well, one I haven’t even looked into. I plan to do more research on it first. But, I wanted to see about starting a group called weighing and praying. I didn’t think of this on my own mind you I read about it and it seems like a wonderful idea. It gives accountablity and then some prayer. So, you are losing weight through prayer. Here let me just link it so that you know what I am talking about. Weigh and Pray Group Nope it was a no go. As was another kind of group think I wanted to start at church. No big deal I guess I will just go off on my own and do them. Just don’t know how I am going to get the word out though.

I don’t know it just seems like everything I try to do it just gets knocked down. It is slightly depressing. I think I get to excited about stuff. Maybe that is it. We had get movin night last night at school and no one showed up. Not one family except for ours. I tried, I guess. Parental participation at our school is very low. Family nights have always gone really good. I have no idea why this one bombed but, it did.

Today is the 17th and Johnathan has been gone 11 months. The next 17th he will have been gone a year. It just doesn’t seem like it. Some days it seems like days or weeks or even a few months but, not a year. I have dreaded the year mark. First I dreaded the first grass on his grave, then his grave marker, then the first snow, now, come the first year has almost passed.

It is just unbelievable to me that it is creeping up on me. That could be why I feel I am failing at everything. I don’t know.

The girls get out the 20th of May and that was the day of his funeral. It was a nice service but, I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that my baby was in a box. That is what it really is. Sorry folks this is how I think sometimes.
After all he fought for and then that is what happened. Some days I just need to learn harder on God and today is one of those. It is one of my lost gotta find my way days. Some days I am just to hard headed to figure it out. I don’t know this is really starting to get depressing so, I guess I’ll end here.

Have a great day!!

Some things that have been on my heart….

It has been 10 months 3 weeks and 2 days since Johnathan went home.   I still miss him as much today as I did the moment he left us on May 17, @ 5:15 p.m.  A lot of that time is blurry for me.   The first few months is a blur to me.   It is coming back to me as I write my book about our experience.  It has been locked away in my mind just waiting until I was ready to let it out.   

When I got back from my visit with my sister and family and I just keep looking at all of these pictures of me with my mom, I get so mad.  Mad because she wasn’t here.  She chose to leave this earth early.  She chose to not be a part of our lives.   She chose to check out because life got difficult for her.  She wasn’t able to ask for help.   She wasn’t able to fight for her life.   That was almost 11 years ago.  But, my mom checked out on us long before that.  She hadn’t really been in my life after the age of 9.  She found a new family and it was the family of drugs.   But, I always knew that if she was alive there was a chance that someday she could come back and be my mom.   Not just in name but, in person.   When she decided that her children were not worth it and just ended it, well, that was the end of a dream.  As I sit and look at pictures of all of us together, when I was little I seen how happy we were.  I seen that she did enjoy us before the drugs and her other lifestyle took over.  I see the love she had for us.  But, I am still mad.  I never really grieved for her.  I never let myself.  And I find myself missing her so much.  I haven’t let myself just miss her the woman I remember.  The woman who blew bubbles for us all the time.  The woman who would try so hard to help us learn things even though she hardly knew them herself.  The woman who would let us crawl into bed with her when we had a nightmare and taught us that mashed potatoes and corn was a great combination.  The woman who made sure that even though we were extremely poor that we always had birthday presents and christmas presents.  I didn’t remember all of those things until I started looking at the pictures that I now have.  It is an awesome gift and I thank God that I was able to open my heart and see the good and not the bad. 

As I look back on Johnathan’s life there is nothing that I would change.   There were some really hard times.  There were some excellent times.   I gave him my everything.  I know that he knows he was loved. I know that he knows that I was there.  For the good times and the bad.  He knew that I was in his corner and I would fight to the end with him and I did.  

And now, as I come to this new normal of being a mom to my other children again and missing my baby oh so much.  I am happy that I am able to do that.  Happy that I didn’t just check out.  Because I wanted to oh so much.  I still have days where I want to. But, I pray God sets me straight and I live.  I live because that is what I have to do.  I have to be around for the bubbles and the nightmares and the spring concerts and the new boyfriends and the future husbands and grandkids but, more importantly because I don’t determine when I leave.  God does and he keeps telling me there is more so, I will sit here and listen to Him.  But, I will still miss Johnathan and my heart will have pieces that I just can’t put back together, whether it be 1 year from now or 40. 

God knows what he is doing.  I can’t question that.  Although I sometimes think that I can.  

I would also like to ask for prayer for another mother who has just received her new lungs.  She has cystic Fibrosis.  Her name is Tricia.    She has a micro preemie and her name is Gwyneth Rose. You can read their story by clicking  Gwyneth’s name under Angel Among us.  

 Thanks for reading……

Make it a great day!!!

How many children do I have…

I think people should ask how many children had you had. I hate answering that question. I don’t know how to answer it. Well, for one at any given moment I could have many children or I could have a couple. But, that is not the reason I detest answering that question. I got asked that question at FAST last night. I can’t really tell you what we were talking about because well, it is confidential. But, I just flew through it after I said I couldn’t answer it. Just about everyone knows Johnathan went home last year. I just ….. how do I answer that without including him. He is my son. He will always be my son. I have heard so many eloquent answers to that one. And I have been thinking about it since last night. Actually I have never stopped thinking about it. It has always been in the back of my mind. How do I include him in our family without making other people sad, or uncomfortable. And for another why should I care. Should everyone else’s feelings be more important than mine? I for the most part worry about other people’s feelings more than I should. Not saying that I don’t like to shock people once in a while but, for the most part, I have this innane sense to protect people from the ugly. And losing a child is about as ugly as it gets. Doesn’t matter how old they are. But, people are more willing to hear if you have lost a child and they were 25 or older as opposed to infancy thru childhood.

I really don’t think it is fair. I have to hide the fact that he lived. Sometimes it feels like I am denying God because he gave me this wonderful gift of a child. A miracle we watched beat a lot of odds. And I can’t rejoice in that. Just because people wouldn’t understand. I am to the point I don’t care if people would understand or not JT is my son. Just because he isn’t here doesn’t make him anyless mine, then if he was sleeping in the next room.

Johnathan passed away yes, but, that doesn’t mean my feelings and the love I felt for him ever will. I will always hold him in my heart and my heart is still broken in a million pieces. It has been 9 months 3 weeks and 5 days since we said see you later. And to this day I still a couple times a day, have such pain from grief that I can hardly breathe. I am only human, and I am a mother missing her son.

So, if you meet someone and want to know how many kids they have had. Ask them that. Don’t ask them how many kids they have. Let us answer truthfully.

I usually try to keep this blog about our days but, I have been forgetting one very important person. He helped me realize that yes, I do have faith. Not just for the big things but, for the little things also. He showed me that I am not alone, he taught me many things in his short life. I can’t keep denying that he lived so that other people can be comfortable. It just isn’t going to happen.