Mother’s Day…

Mother’s Day this year is going to be hard. It is my first with out JT and also the last Holiday that I celebrated with him. I had spent the weekend with him in the rooming in room. We got to sit and play, I put him on the floor and let him roll around, we talked, we read the bible, we just spent some awesome time together. Harley spent the weekend with us and she arranged his photo album from beginning to end. She did an excellent job. We watched some CNN his favorite channel and caught up on what was happening in the world.

When I had woke up that morning I had found a mother’s day card on my pillow what an awesome thing to wake up to. It was from JT it had his picture on it and it said Happy Mother’s Day. The nurses up in the Nicu were awesome. They made sure that holidays were celebrated and they made sure lots of pics were taken. 75% of the pics that everyone has seen have been from them. They would get him dressed up in the middle of the night and just start snappin pics just because he was sooo cute. That is what they would say. Just couldn’t help themselves.

Everything started happening really fast after Mother’s Day. And in a few days it will be the anniversary of his going home. In some ways I feel like I am reliving it all and it is not making things easy around here. I am grumpy, moody, and depressed.

It just seems that with a year passing, that it is just about the last thing. It seems so final. I know it is final but, has been final but, the year mark is really hard for me as I have heard it is hard for everyone.

The earth on his grave is full of grass now, his headstone is in. His birthday has passed, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Groundhogs Day, Valentines Day, you get the picture right? This is the last first. The last first I get to make it through. The grief is hitting me full force in these uncontrollable waves that sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t want to crash. I feel like a beach during a hurricane just beaten upon.

I have had some really good awesome days during this year and I have had some really really bad days. My grief has lessen around the edges. I still feel it. It is still there right under the surface. I have acknowledged it. I have trudged through it. I have let it overcome me. It will never go away. I will always feel it and know it by name.

But, I have always had hope. Hope in a God who has seen me through. Who has held me comforted me and loved me always. Hope that I will be able to work through my grief and be able to live another joyous day like I did before it came into my life. While things will never be the same, I will never be the same person that I was before Grief knocked on my door and let itself in. I have laughed, I have had happy days, I have seen many blessings in my life this year. It has been the hardest year of my life but, the blessings pour in abundantly each and everyday. And I know that is only from one The One. My Savior, Jesus, who has seen me through.
Thank you Lord, for not giving up on me. For loving me even on the days when I was very angry at you. For lifting me up on the days that I couldn’t find the strength to look up to see you. Thank you for taking care of my son. Thank you for my life and my family and everything then encompasses it.
Thank you for blessing me with a son that in his short life showed me that God’s love is real and knows no boundaries. That showed me even in a life as short as his that love is there and love me he did. Thank you for answering all of my prayers, you are the wonderful, you are blessed and you are my personal savior. And for that I am thankful and joyous, and blessed beyond measure!!!!!