Some things that have been on my heart….

It has been 10 months 3 weeks and 2 days since Johnathan went home.   I still miss him as much today as I did the moment he left us on May 17, @ 5:15 p.m.  A lot of that time is blurry for me.   The first few months is a blur to me.   It is coming back to me as I write my book about our experience.  It has been locked away in my mind just waiting until I was ready to let it out.   

When I got back from my visit with my sister and family and I just keep looking at all of these pictures of me with my mom, I get so mad.  Mad because she wasn’t here.  She chose to leave this earth early.  She chose to not be a part of our lives.   She chose to check out because life got difficult for her.  She wasn’t able to ask for help.   She wasn’t able to fight for her life.   That was almost 11 years ago.  But, my mom checked out on us long before that.  She hadn’t really been in my life after the age of 9.  She found a new family and it was the family of drugs.   But, I always knew that if she was alive there was a chance that someday she could come back and be my mom.   Not just in name but, in person.   When she decided that her children were not worth it and just ended it, well, that was the end of a dream.  As I sit and look at pictures of all of us together, when I was little I seen how happy we were.  I seen that she did enjoy us before the drugs and her other lifestyle took over.  I see the love she had for us.  But, I am still mad.  I never really grieved for her.  I never let myself.  And I find myself missing her so much.  I haven’t let myself just miss her the woman I remember.  The woman who blew bubbles for us all the time.  The woman who would try so hard to help us learn things even though she hardly knew them herself.  The woman who would let us crawl into bed with her when we had a nightmare and taught us that mashed potatoes and corn was a great combination.  The woman who made sure that even though we were extremely poor that we always had birthday presents and christmas presents.  I didn’t remember all of those things until I started looking at the pictures that I now have.  It is an awesome gift and I thank God that I was able to open my heart and see the good and not the bad. 

As I look back on Johnathan’s life there is nothing that I would change.   There were some really hard times.  There were some excellent times.   I gave him my everything.  I know that he knows he was loved. I know that he knows that I was there.  For the good times and the bad.  He knew that I was in his corner and I would fight to the end with him and I did.  

And now, as I come to this new normal of being a mom to my other children again and missing my baby oh so much.  I am happy that I am able to do that.  Happy that I didn’t just check out.  Because I wanted to oh so much.  I still have days where I want to. But, I pray God sets me straight and I live.  I live because that is what I have to do.  I have to be around for the bubbles and the nightmares and the spring concerts and the new boyfriends and the future husbands and grandkids but, more importantly because I don’t determine when I leave.  God does and he keeps telling me there is more so, I will sit here and listen to Him.  But, I will still miss Johnathan and my heart will have pieces that I just can’t put back together, whether it be 1 year from now or 40. 

God knows what he is doing.  I can’t question that.  Although I sometimes think that I can.  

I would also like to ask for prayer for another mother who has just received her new lungs.  She has cystic Fibrosis.  Her name is Tricia.    She has a micro preemie and her name is Gwyneth Rose. You can read their story by clicking  Gwyneth’s name under Angel Among us.  

 Thanks for reading……

Make it a great day!!!

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