May 17th…

Dear Johnathan,

You left us for a better place a year ago today. I remember holding you and telling you I love you so much and that it was ok you could go. I wouldn’t be mad at you. I was excited for you. You would get to meet Jesus today. I told you don’t hang on don’t fight for us anymore. There is no reason to. You are tired you fought a great fight and I am proud of you.

You enriched my life far more than you will know. Because of you I met people and became friends with someone who loved you as much as I did. Who fought with you as much as I did and to this day we still love and miss you.

I miss so much about you. I sometimes wish I could just have one more moment with you. Where I could tickle your fat rolls and just stare at your face and shower you with kisses. I miss sitting with you and just laying my head on the bed and watching you sleep or the times when you would just play with my fingers. You were so amazed with fingers. After you came out of your heart catherization and I came back to see you that night. I came up to you fighting your vent and you pulled it out you wanted that no more. I can’t blame you. But, as soon as Jenny gave you her fingers you were just content as can be. She only had you that night and you played with her fingers for hours. And she enjoyed every minute of it. We just sat there all night and watched you and played with you and talked and we were just amazed as you were about your amazement with fingers.

You was a great son. You were all I ever would have wanted in a son and I got it. I was always amazed at your ability to be so calm and so content even when your body was failing you and you were going through so much. I know that was Jesus, he was walking beside you. He was holding your hand and comforting you and keeping you calm. He was tickling your fat rolls from Heaven to keep you content and happy I just know it.

You built up my faith and let me see a loving God who gently walks us through the forest who is there to lift us up when we have no strength left to do it ourselves. And believe me this last year there have been many days where I couldn’t with out his help.

When we found out that you wouldn’t make it home with us, I used to think how am I going to live with out you? I don’t think I can. God might as well take me with you because I won’t be able to live with my bubbas. My heart is still broken but, I am managing to put some of the pieces back together. I am beginning to see the blessing in my life that was all made possible because you came into my life and showed me that blessing can come in the smallest packages. It isn’t always the big things. It is the little things. Like being able to get out of bed in the morning with a smile on my face because I know in a few minutes Mikayla will be running to me telling me I awake Mommy, I love you. She has a wonderful way of making me feel so loved.

We were watching your video and she said hey that’s my Donthan. I said no, that is my Johnathan. She took my face in her hands and said NO Mommy that is Desus’s Donathan. I said you know what sweety? You my dear are right!

You my son, are in Heaven with Jesus. God gave you to me for a short while and back to Heaven you went. But, you will always be on my mind and in my heart. You are my son, you always will be but, you are Jesus’ too. I am so thankful you are being so well taken care of. I Know you are gloriously happy. Worshipping the Lord, dancing on clouds playing amongst the angels and eating chocolate pudding. Free of all the wires and procedures that you were encumbered with in this world. Oh how awesome it must be to be whole and healed like never before. I am thankful and excited for you.

So, until we meet again, my sweetness, I will be down here living, living a life that you have taught me that I need to live. No more hiding or running away from life. I will live it to the fullest because that is what you did while you were here. And I can’t see doing it any different than you did.

I love you!!!!!

Johnathan Thomas Michael Poling !!!!!!!!

So many ideas, I am depressed…

It seems like I have so many ideas about things and everyone of them is being blocked for some reason. Well, one I haven’t even looked into. I plan to do more research on it first. But, I wanted to see about starting a group called weighing and praying. I didn’t think of this on my own mind you I read about it and it seems like a wonderful idea. It gives accountablity and then some prayer. So, you are losing weight through prayer. Here let me just link it so that you know what I am talking about. Weigh and Pray Group Nope it was a no go. As was another kind of group think I wanted to start at church. No big deal I guess I will just go off on my own and do them. Just don’t know how I am going to get the word out though.

I don’t know it just seems like everything I try to do it just gets knocked down. It is slightly depressing. I think I get to excited about stuff. Maybe that is it. We had get movin night last night at school and no one showed up. Not one family except for ours. I tried, I guess. Parental participation at our school is very low. Family nights have always gone really good. I have no idea why this one bombed but, it did.

Today is the 17th and Johnathan has been gone 11 months. The next 17th he will have been gone a year. It just doesn’t seem like it. Some days it seems like days or weeks or even a few months but, not a year. I have dreaded the year mark. First I dreaded the first grass on his grave, then his grave marker, then the first snow, now, come the first year has almost passed.

It is just unbelievable to me that it is creeping up on me. That could be why I feel I am failing at everything. I don’t know.

The girls get out the 20th of May and that was the day of his funeral. It was a nice service but, I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that my baby was in a box. That is what it really is. Sorry folks this is how I think sometimes.
After all he fought for and then that is what happened. Some days I just need to learn harder on God and today is one of those. It is one of my lost gotta find my way days. Some days I am just to hard headed to figure it out. I don’t know this is really starting to get depressing so, I guess I’ll end here.

Have a great day!!