Yesterday was kind of a hard day for me for some reason. Not sure why but, grief manages to sneak up on me sometimes. I was listening to a few songs and they just hit me the wrong way and there I was balling and questioning God again. I don’t like it when I get like this but, know that sometimes I just have to. I have a pic up of JT as my background and I was just staring at it and I could just see the happyness in his eyes. I never really looked at his eyes in this picture. I would always look at his smile. But, as I was listening to Casting Crowns Praise you in This Storm, something just made me look at his eyes. The happyness just exudes from him. Then I started the whole now, explain to me why you took my baby away from me. Tell me right now. I have a tendency to do this when I want answers about JT. Answers I know I may never get until we are up there face to face. I tell you I was a hot mess. And when I am like this I am selfish. Very, very selfish. I told God he could have healed him. He has the power and he chose not to do that and at the moment I am really angry at Him. I don’t know why he would want to rip my heart out like that. I have never in my life been through this much pain. Emotionally or physically. Physical abuse, I can live with that I can get past that. I see the scars, I know it happened. I know I survived it. With something like this. Where are the physical scars??? You can’t look at me and know I have lost a child. You can’t look at me and see in me that I am hurting that I am still hurting and this hurt is never going to go away. It may hide from me for a brief second, but, then it comes out to taunt me. You thought you was getting better didn’t you?? We’ll let me just throw this emotion at you now.

Then Della Reese singing I will walk with you from Touched by an Angel comes on. And I know every single day he walks with me. I can’t dispute that fact. I know He does. I just gotta take his hand. Somedays I don’t want to but, most days I long to. And I do.

I remember watching one episode of Touched by An Angel. It has always been my favorite. The one with Wynonna Judd in it. Where she is the mother of Petey. The boy with Cystic Fibrosis. I could never imagine losing a child and that episode made it seem so beautiful. She wrote a beautiful song and played it while he died and I just thought that was awesome. I will testify to love be a witness in the silences words are not enough with every breath I take I will give thanks to God above. How beautiful is that.

Stacy called yesterday, and we talked about Johnathan. I was fine after that. I think sometimes I just need to talk to her. To know that somebody remembers. That he didn’t live for no reason. That he was here and he was my son and that yes, I do miss him and that makes me so angry that he is not here with me now. I can say these things to her and they don’t upset her. She just listens. She remembers the emotions because she was there.

Last night we were all sitting on the porch. Mikayla happened to look up and see the moon. It was just a tiny sliver but, it was emitting a lot of light. She said, “look, Mommy, Donathan turned the light on for us! We can stay out longer” She caught me off guard. I looked up and the moon was brighter. It was like there was rays coming out of it. It was beautiful. It made me feel like God heard me yesterday morning and gave me light in the darkness. I just needed Mikayla to point that out to me. When I have these days sometimes I need something like a moon to show me that He is with me because sometimes I don’t hear a whisper.