Happy Birthday Baby Girl….

From this gorgeous baby…

To this wonderful little blue eyed girl that always lights up my day…

With an awesome personality only you can have…

You taught me to chill out and play and enjoy life even if you have to get dirty sometimes…..

We all love you baby girl!!! Today is your day and we are gonna have a rockin great time!!!!

Happy Birthday!!!!!

Love, Mommy, Daddy, Ashley, Timmy, Harley, Stacey, Katie, Johnathan, and Tori!!!!!

Most special memory….

Johnathan was born August 29th. Because of his severe prematurity I didn’t get to hold him for more than two minutes while they changed his incubator. And even then, it was under heat lamps and he was all bundled up and plus someone was always bagging him because they had to unhook the ventilator, while those times were awesome. And you wouldn’t believe how heavy a 2lb baby is with all that stuff on him! I finally got to actually hold him for a half an hour. On October 22, the nurse told me to go take off my shirt and put on a gown, that we were going to do Kangaroo care. This is where you and the baby have skin to skin contact. I was so excited but, so, very very scared. I mean, hey, the ventilator scared the beans out of me. But, I did as I was told and sat down and Oh my goodness, the emotions that attacked me at that moment when he was finally in my arms. He was a little cranky at first from being moved. He really didn’t like to be moved and touched in those early days. But, when he realized that his momma had him, he relaxed, his stats were awesome and he just slept this really peaceful sleep. He wasn’t agitated or anything. Even with the cameras going off. They are awesome up there they make sure that they record every milestone that they can and even just because they think something is cute and want to take a picture for the parents.

But, I can’t tell you how awesome it was. Words can’t describe what it felt like to have my baby boy in my arms for the first time and to be able to keep him there. We found out later that I wasn’t supposed to hold him because he was on Dopamine, but, Carrie, the nurse, argued with them because he was Dopamine for his kidney’s and not his blood pressure. At least this time he wasn’t. But, all was good and we had an awesome bonding time. The nurses fought for us a lot and they were always there when we needed them. And they were also our confidants and our family. I can’t say enough about them. When they are on your side watch out doctor’s!

Here is a pic from about that time: This was in Cincy right before his 2nd, heart surgery. About 3 days after I got to hold him he was transferred down there so that they could put a PDA banding on.

And this is just because I loved his smiles:

Christmas funny….

Stacy and I went up there to take some pictures of JT for Christmas. We dressed him up in his little Santa outfit. It was preemie size but, still, way to big. We had to tape the hat and pants on him. The tape is still on them too by the way. I was looking at his stuff the other day to see if there were some toys of his that Tori might like to play with, The ones that he didn’t play with all the time. And there it was with the tape still on it. I thought that was funny.

We put him on a blanket with the nativity scene on one side and the words to Amazing Grace on the other. I loved making that blanket. We now put it over the fireplace during Christmas. We had an awesome time taking pictures and while he didn’t look happy in the pictures he was. He looked like a grumpy old man, but, I think it was just the way we positioned him. We found out that day also that he could hold his head up on his own. What a great surprise!

Well, it had of course the furry white stuff on it and some of it got in his mouth. Well, I thought that I had gotten it out. Nope, when I got home that night, I called to check on him and Carrie his nurse said, hmmm, I think someone was dressing someone up as Santa and left some evidence. I was like huh??? She said there was white well, it wasn’t white anymore, fuzzy stuff in his ostomy. I guess I didn’t get it all after all. I was freaking out wondering if that would hurt him and she said no. She told me to just laugh about it. So, I have.

What makes this so special is because we thought that we would never make it to the point where he would be able to wear clothes much less let us play dress up.

We dressed him up and decorated his spot for every holiday. It was so much fun and created special memories for us. The girls would color him pictures, that we would hang there. We even printed out prayers and hymns that people sent us and posted them there. Just so that he could see them. We put his wish list up there too so that we could date everything as he did it.

Here is little man’s Christmas photo:

And another to show him holding up his head. I like to call this one: Just look over your shoulders, I’ll be there. Guess what song that came from. LOL If you look close enough you can even see some of it in his mouth right in the middle of his tongue. LOL.

11-27-2006

I woke up to the phone ringing. It was Children’s, I was so afraid to answer the phone. They never called unless it was something bad. So, I took a few breaths and just picked it up. It was the nurse, she was really excited. She told me JT had pulled out his vent!!! OMG, what???!!! I said, is he ok?? Yes, he is wonderful!!! He is breathing on his own, no oxygen at all. He decided it was time to get rid of it! She was excited as I was. He was 13 weeks old and had been on the vent since birth. And for him to come off of it with nothing at all??? No canulas no extra support, well, that was a miracle. I told her I would be there in 30-45 minutes. I ran through the house getting everything ready. Mikayla had just turned 2 at the time and probably thought that I was crazy. I poured a whole bunch of cereal in a zippy bag, filled her sippy cup up and we were on our way. I don’t think I even brushed anyone’s hair. LOL. When I got up there it was the most amazing thing to see my baby’s face. They hadn’t put the NG tube back in and there was absolutely nothing blocking his face. I could see all of it. I was so afraid to hold him, I didn’t want to forget this moment. Peggy practically pushed me down in the rocker and plopped him down in my arms. And I got to give him kisses all over his face and his sister did too. We spent most of the day into the afternoon up there. We read him books dressed him in different clothes a couple of times. Talked to the doctor’s who were as amazed as us, we had been talking about putting in a trach the day before. This is when we started seeing his personality, as in he took things into his own hands. When he was ready for something he was ready. Another significant thing he pulled out his vent on his due date. The date he was supposed to be born full term. All I could do was just stare at him and love on him and thank God for this special gift. Even writing this now, I still feel the joy and excitement and scared feelings I felt that day.

It is awesome to see miracles right before your eyes. The really big ones and the little ones. For someone not to believe that God doesn’t perform miracles in this day and age all they have to do is stop by a NICU and just look around. Real miracles happen there everyday. Whether it be a baby eating a bottle for the first time. A first smile at a parent, coming off of a medication that they weren’t supposed to, or going home when it seemed like that would never happen. Holding your 2lb baby and they look at you and just know who you are, and settling down into your chest and being at peace with the world. The love that happens there is just unexplainable.

Such an awesome memory.

Doncha know???

We all know JT died. But, do you know what??? He lived too. 8 1/2 months of life. 8 1/2 of the most heartwretching, frustrating, wonderful, awfully blessed, sometimes outrageous, loving, awesome months of my life. I have been looking back at the things that I have wrote about JT and most of them of course center around my grief and loosing him. But, I haven’t really lost him completely. He is living eternally in Heaven and we will all be together soon. Although it may not seem like it but, this lifetime we have is short, it may seem long but, in the end it is but, a blink of an eye.

When Tori was born, which she is going to be 5 whole big months tomorrow, I can’t believe it! She is getting so big and learning something new everyday. But, when she was born, I kept thinking she isn’t going to be with me long, I am not going to be able to take her home when I leave. Then I took her home. Then I thought this isn’t real. Something is going to happen. God doesn’t love me enough to let me keep her. I was centering in on her death. I have thought about this for the past weeks. How, I center in on death now, more than ever. I am afraid all my kids are gonna go somewhere and that will be the last time I see them. It is very frightening.

So, I was praying and asking God to lift this from my heart to take this fear from me. And then it hit me. Until I can stop centering in JT’s death, then death is going to be in my thoughts constantly. I think God hit me with that one. He has a habit of doing that. I can’t be told things gently, sometimes, you have to just bang me over the head with it.

I felt a great load off of my shoulders after that. It is great to just remember JT. Not the day he died but, the other days. The memories are still, so vivid. I haven’t forgotten them. All the funny things that happened. All the terrifying things that happened. But, more importantly, I remember my son, little ham that he was. With peace in his eyes and joy in his heart, because that is the only way that he knew how to be.

Over the next few days, I think I might write some memories of him. Because I want to and because this is the month of Thanksgiving and I want everyone to know how thankful I am to have had a son as awesome and precious as JT.

Have a great day everyone!!! God Bless!!!

Just like her brother….

When Johnathan was about 7 months old he had his first bottle ever it was 5 cc’s of pedialyte. This is what they call a trophic feed because well, it doesn’t do anything and it was just so that he could experience a bottle feed. He ate through a G-tube which is a long tube inserted through his nose into his stomach. We fought for those bottles and the first bottle was a really great experience we all enjoyed it even JT. He was scheduled to be fed like that twice a day. Well, the next few bottles let’s just say he didn’t like it at all. As soon as he seen the bottle he would start coughing and I don’t mean little coughs, he would cough like he was trying to cough up a lung. So, we decided the best thing to do would be to just discontinue the bottle. He never coughed again. lol. Besides he was getting his dum dum pops and that helped with his oral therapy.

Well, Little Miss Tori-Beth has decided she doesn’t like juice. No kind of juice what so ever. Not even in her cereal. I tried to disguise it but, nope she doesn’t like it at all. She will get very excited when she sees her bottle, but, when she sees the color of the liquid she will start coughing. Now, how crazy is that?? She will even start coughing when I give her her cereal with it in there. I am not sure if she can tell by the texture or what but, well…. she is just like her brother.

I can find all of the girls in her but, was having a hard time finding her brother in her. Unless you count the gigantic cheeks. She is getting droopy dog cheeks just like her brother had. But, the juice thing. I really think God has a wonderful sense of humor to make her do that. He always knows when I need a big laugh and he gave it to me and gave me a special gift to. I can now say, she is just like her brother.

I prayed…

Before you were born, I prayed. Oh Lord please give me a son, let him be someone that everyone can be proud of and live a life that will touch people and show them your love. When there were complications, I prayed Oh Lord, please just make him well. When you were in the NICU, I prayed, Oh Lord, please let him Live. During your surgeries I prayed Oh Lord, please just let him make it through. When we knew you were struggling I prayed, Oh Lord, give him strength. When you were happy, I prayed Oh Lord, let him keep this joy. When I was not there I prayed Oh Lord, let him remember me and know that I love him. When it was getting close to then end I prayed Oh Lord, please don’t let him go alone. Let me be there to hold him and usher him in to his new life with you. When he was gone, I prayed, Oh Lord, thank you so much for the gift that you gave me in my son. You answered all of my prayers. You gave him life, you let him live, he touched many people and showed them that God is love and God works. People that didn’t even know him Loved him. People that had never prayed before turned to you. Thanks you so very much for everything that you gave me and thank you so much for loving my son enough to know when enough is enough. And thank you Lord for giving me the strength to say enough and to be able to love him and hand him over to you.

Without YOU Lord, I would have not made it through. My son, would not have made it through. You gave us strength and wisdom. You guided our every decision, and I thank you. Amen.

After you were gone my prayers turned to Oh Lord, please help me make it through. Help me to live, help me to show that even though something so precious was taken from me, that I can survive. Please carry me through this grief. Help me to know that my son is gloriously happy, Let me know it and believe it, not just something that rolls off of my lips, to make other people feel better.

Now, my prayers are thanksgivings Oh Lord, thank you for Johnathan, he is still a part of heart. Thank you for not letting me or my family for get him. Thank you for letting me see what a vessel he was to my faith. Thank you Lord, for all the blessings that you bestow upon me. Even if I don’t see that they are blessings at the time. And thank you Lord, for answering my prayers the way that You seen fit to answer them. In your time and not my time. Thank you for giving me the patience and perserverence to follow through and thank you for the open heart that you gave me to be able to hear and listen you when you talk to me. Thank you In Jesus Name, Amen!

I prayed.

I miss my boy today. Just because I do. But, I can pray and talk to God and he hears me and he lessens the blow of grief that tries to sucker punch me even now a little over two years since he has been gone. Grieving is for the ones left on this earth we grieve for what we don’t have. I know without a doubt that JT is sooo happy in heaven right now. But, as a mother, I will always miss him. He was and still is a part of me. I will forever be called his mother whether he is here or not. But, when I get to where the grief is about to consume me. I pray. He lessens my load. And I thank HIM.

KidStage!

The girls had a blast. What They did this month was Stage Makeup. Then they did a skit after they did their make up. They made themselves up as witches and had a great time. They got to keep the make up that they used, how awesome is that?? I think they did an amazing job on their makeup..

Here are few pics of them as we were picking them up.

Here they are coming out.

Stace doesn’t she look totally evil?

Britt she can’t help but pose, she loves the camera.

Trying for funny.

This is scary….

Hiding in the bushes.

Someone killed all the witches…… wonder who it could have been???

It was HIM!!!!! Jesus (pronounced hey sues) Hardy Pencington…

Scholarship Crazy….

Big Stacy said that I haven’t posted in my blog forever and that people might have thought that I died or something. So, I should post something. I tried to tell her that everyone that reads my blog is on facebook. So, they all know I am alive. lol.

Anyway, Little Stacey my daughter, has gone scholarship crazy. First she gets a scholarship to KidStage, which is theatre workshops and they get to do a performance. They learn all about the theatre from how to run the lights to make up to acting, singing,and dancing. This is for a whole year. Stacey and Big Stacy’s daughter Brittany both got this scholarship.

Then we take them to dance Saturday and this is Jazz class through Project Jericho which is free, because that is how we roll. If it is free we are there. Might be because we are poor as dirt. lol. But, their teacher Uncle Mark, I call him that they don’t, says that he wants them to do ballet and it will basically be a scholarship as in our only expense will be the tights. yeah!!! He likes their body type and the fact that they are disciplined when they dance. Yaddi Yaddi yadda. I really don’t know all that he said because I was talking to someone else about something else and he was telling Big Stacy. And she was so excited, she was talking to fast, I just agreed with her. lol.
So that is Stacy and Brittney again.

Stacey is also going to go for a scholarship that will pay for all of her college that is only open to 7th graders. It is called champion city scholars. I really hope she gets it. That would help so much.

Brittney and Stacey are both excited about all this because they think it is going to make them famous. It is so fun listening to them. They want to go to school for fashion design. Stacey wants to do the outfits and Brittney the hair and make up. So, hey they may be on their way. They are too cute. And just so you know who I am talking about here is a glimpse at the little scholarship girls….

OH yeah, and all this hair in this picture….

Gone I cut it up to my shoulders. It feels so much better and it doesn’t cause me to get whiplash when it gets stuck under my arm. And isn’t that baby girl in there just the cutest?

Ashley….

My oldest baby girl has been fighting a terrible case of acne for a while. It was bad. I am talking on her back chest, and face. Nothing worked, not even proActive, we tried it. Let me tell you it wasn’t very active. lol She would be so mad if she knew I was putting this out for everyone to hear about, but oh well. The doctor prescribed her an antibiotic and a cream and a gel. this was about a month and a half ago. Well, her face is clear. She looks so different and older. Her chest and back still has a ways to go but, there is a lot of improvement. We only noticed when we were at Stacy’s house a couple of weeks ago. Check it out.

Sideview

Front View

This is before just so that you can see the improvement.

Is that not amazing or what???